The Weather Channel: 27 Years of Strangely Fascinating Personalities

By Tresckow

To many, The Weather Channel is something you turn to just before you are about to go to the kegger in that undisclosed section of the woods where those hobos were found murdered. After all, you need to know what to wear to make sure the elements don’t kill you before alcohol poisoning does.

Providing accurate weather forecasts for hopeless alcoholics for 27 years.

But, to some of us, The Weather Channel has provided more than just delightful weather forecasts and semi-useful environmental information. It’s a source of a well spring of on- air personalities that provide us with awkward entertainment, frat boys and eye candy.There are so many to chose from. For the purposes of this article, I’ve elected to limit my selection to a few of the more “interesting” personalities.

 

Jim Cantore
Cantore has been working at The Weather Channel since 1986. He used to have hair, but the responsibilities of a weather forecaster and TV personality eroded his once full, luscious locks. Well, I don’t know that for sure. I’m making it up.

Cantore oozes the frat boy all grown up vibe. One can picture him in college doing a keg stand with his buddies; professing his love for alto cumulus clouds and ground fog.

This Mr. Clean of weather is the first one the corporate masters send out on a bad weather mission. If there’s a hurricane, send Cantore. Severe floods? Cantore will do it. Volcanic eruption? Shit, that’s not even a weather phenomenon. Screw it, Cantore will do anything. As long as he has his blue windbreaker, he’ll be fine.


Carl Parker
Now Carl Parker is the blue collar worker of meteorologists. Parker has been around the US in various radio and television capacities. I first heard of him when he went by his God-given name Carl Valovick at a local news station.

Why the name change? I’ve always wondered. Parker went to Houston to accept a position at, yet another, local television news station. My guess is that “Valovick” was just too ethnic for the people of the Land of the Big Stupid. It’s completely possible that in order to get the job, he had to Anglo his name up. Or, any name of three syllables or more is just too complicated for Texans. They like their hats big and their weather forecasters’ names two syllables or less.


Bob Stokes
What a charming little man. Don’t be fooled. Beneath his dashing good looks and closely cropped hair is the beating heart of a dirty old man. Or, so says this article and his former on- air partner, Hillary Andrews. Wikipedia tells us:

“He has been successfully sued in arbitration by co-anchor Hillary Andrews for sexual harassmentFor this, his employment with the The Weather Channel was terminated on February 1, 2008.

Sounds pretty simple, right? Wrong. It’s way more interesting and hilarious than that. The phrase “Will you lick my swizzle stick” was thrown around from time to time. Apparently, according to, what we loosely refer to as news sources, Stokes was rather smitten with Andrews, repeatedly asking her out on dates. And by asking her out on dates, I mean following her in the women’s dressing room and staring at her boobs.

But, they looked so happy together.
Some sources say Andrews got as much as $5 million from The Weather Channel in her lawsuit. If that’s the case, The Weather Channel isn’t saying. After her ordeal, Andrews was surely given an engraved apology and a fresh start. Actually, she was canned along with Mr. Innuendo.

Stephanie Abrams
Let’s get the boring shit out of the way. Abrams has two bachelors degrees. One in Geography (with a minor in Mathematics) and another in Meteorology. She’s been at The Weather Channel since 2003 and we couldn’t be happier.

Now, to the important stuff. Stephanie is HOT. I have to call it as I see it. She’s HOT. I rarely use the term, for it disgusts me, but she is the epitome of a “Weather babe.”

So confident. So secure. So buxom. That fist pump says it all. "I know my shit and I'm HOT. Take that, society!"

 

We, at the FWTC, can only admire her choices in on screen attire.

Excellent choice. Tight sweaters are a definite plus when watching painfully boring weather outlooks in geographical locations we're nowhere near.

We're completely OK with you wearing sneakers with a dress. Really, we are.

What were we saying?

 

Maybe part of the reason we’re dig her so is that she appears real and approachable. She seems the type to humor us while making a clumsy pass at her in a bar somewhere in Miami. Of course, I would have pounded so many shots of  Thunder Bird, who I thought was Stephanie Abrams might actually have been a midget in a hoop skirt.

Above: The complete opposite of the results of my drunken flirting.

Our Stephanie has a sense of humor that is sexy as hell. Take this clip of her losing it when Al Roker is seemingly censored by the Weather Channel.  Quite frankly, we’d censor Al Roker just on the basis of principle.

She’s downright adorable. Go on!  Deny it!

Not to mention she knows how to rock a US Open tennis ball girl’s uniform.  Yeah, ball girl.  We thought about it, too.

Or, how about this clip of her explaining her history of being loud.

Unfortunately, it isn’t about her being loud during the sweet sweet act of love. In any event, she’s wearing a nice, low cut sports jacket type thingy. That’s what’s really important. Just a word of warning. The clip is titled “Stephanie On Herself.” That title is so misleading. I had a totally different image in my head when I clicked on the hyperlink.

During that clip, you’ll notice that her show co-host, Mike Bettes is a tool. Yeah, OK, Stephanie is a loud talker. Turn the volume down on your ear piece and just enjoy the view, dick. Jerome Bettis would have been a much better pick for a co-host. He, at least, would know how to appreciate that FINE specimen of womanhood known as Stephanie Abrams.

God knows we do.

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Posted on April 5, 2009, in Television, Tresckow. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. Barbara Bachman

    I think Stephanie Abrams is SO hot! I would love to see her kiss Jennifer Carfagno passionately.I would love to see her squat on Jen’s face,lick up Jen’s butthole,eat Jen’s pussy and watch Jen squat on her face,watch Jen lick her pussy and watch Jen suck on Stephanie’s clitoris.

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