Everyone knows that the “As Seen on TV” kingpin is, without a doubt, Billy Mays. Billy has spent YEARS perfecting his craft. And by craft, I mean the dozens, if not hundreds, of shitty products advertised on television. There used to be a time when you had to either be coming home from a late night bar hop or get up ridiculously early in order to see something from Mays. No longer! He’s made “As Seen on TV” mainstream. No longer does the public have to wait to get Mighty Putty, Mighty MendIt, and Zip Wrench shoved in their faces. Billy Mays has made it possible that ALL “his” products are shown on TV 24 hours a day. It’s a damn good chance that somewhere right now, a Billy Mays endorsed product is being peddled on TV. Go on, check it out. I’ll wait. That’s what I thought.
Hell, the once lame (still) and far fetched claims of OxiClean are now taken as gospel. That stuff is in everything from detergents to muffin mix now. He’s that damn good! All hail Billy Mays!
That’s right. Billy Mays has built an empire of Ancient Rome proportions. In fact, I’m willing to bet there’s not one television snake oil salesman alive today that can get on the air with out Billy’s say so. Sorry, I mean Mister Mays. So what happens when someone fucks it up? Ask Vince Shlomi, the ShamWow guy. We’re pretty sure Mister Mays was none too pleased with his shenanigans.
*Telephone rings at 3 AM
Vince: (Groggily) H… hello?
Operator: Please stand by for His Eminence, Mister Billy Mays.
Vince: Shit! Really? Oh God. No. I’m on the toilet. I can’t talk now. um.. my mom just died…
Mays: The bitch is going to be dead by the time I’m done with her, Shlomi!
Vince: Mister Mays. What a pleasant surprise..
Mays: Shove a Slap Chop up your ass, Vince. I heard about the hooker. What the fuck were you thinking?
Vince: Sir, it’s not what it seems. It’s rather funny actually…
Mays: Is it? Make me laugh ShamWow boy. Make me piss myself with glee.
Vince: I was bored and, well, needed some special company and my inflatable doll popped when I inserted a Slap Chop… nevermind that. I had a thousand dollars laying around and I thought “Hey, why not get a hooker…”
Mays: I’m not laughing you glorified bath towel peddling shit..
Vince (voice breaking, tears welling up): It was a mistake, sir. My ShamWow fame got out of hand. She bit my tongue. She wouldn’t let go. So, I clocked her one. She.. she said she loved me.
Mays: Vince, Vince, Vince. You know I don’t tolerate boat rockers. Are you a boat rocker, Vince?
Vince (audible crying): No, sir. God no. I’m not a boat rocker.
Mays: When you say God, mother fucker, you are talking about ME. I built the “As Seen on TV” empire. I push shit people could easily live without, but desperately need. People NEED Billy Mays products, Vince. I’m a household word. I’m fucking crack to senior citizens. Who the hell are you?
Vince (wiping the tears): I just wanted to better lives, sir. I just wanted people to love my nuts… with Slap Chop.
Mays: Your nuts are mine, pissant. It’s time for Operation Orange Glo!
Vince: The charges were dropped, sir! The charges were dropped! Not Operation Orange Glo!
Mays: Remember what happened to Max Appel? I had his ass Mighty Mended.
Vince: I beg you, Lord… another chance, please.. another chance….
Mays: It’s too late, Vince. You’ve disappointed the family, Vince. Look outside your window.
Vince: Holy shit! They’re here!
Mays: That’s right, you lanky douche bag. The May’s Promotions soldiers. They make Gotti’s people look like pansies. Where do you think the ultra violent factions of the IRA went after the peace treaty? They went to me, you ball sack. By the time they’re done with you, there will be nothing left but the fresh scent of orange.
Vince: *Indecipherable words mixed with crying*
Mays: We’re going to use Hercules Hook wall hangers to crucify your ass on the security wall of my compound.
Vince: Can nothing be done? Is there no way out? Please, my Lord. I implore you!
Mays: I bet you didn’t know OxiClean was a nerve gas when heated at the right temperature, did you? I have CIA contracts, bitch. All of my products are weapons grade, Vince. You’re going to find out first hand. Any last words, dead man?
Vince (sniffling, voice shaking): Um, yy-you know the Germans make good stuff??
Mays: Vince, the Germans invented Zyklon-B and Auschwitz. Damn it. I’m going to have you killed twice as hard now you insensitive prick!