A Girl, Her Whisky, and an Irish Holiday
- 10 bottles of Gatorade
- 1 Pair ear plugs
- 1 box of Saltines
- 20 pre-penned letters of apology
- 3 extra dark sunglasses (to be worn at the same time)
- 2 bottles of Kilbeggan Irish whisky
- 1 bottle of Excedrin Migraine (to be taken with the whisky- 2 pills and 3 shots every 2 hours)
- 1 twenty gallon bucket from Home Depot
- 1 Box of adult diapers
- 1 Whisky Makes Me Frisky tee shirt
Having made sure my recovery kit was packed and stowed in a safe location (behind the toilet in the second floor bathroom) I was ready. Ready for what? Damn if I know. I still don’t really know what the fuck happened for those three days. Whatever happened, it was enough to make me swear off drinking Sunday. That’s saying a lot for someone who comes from a nation where bar brawls and domestic abuse are the national past times.
I laid there waiting for someone to rush over and help… or yell at me. Whatever. One of the dogs meandered over and sniffed my face. He was judging me. I know it. Fucking dogs. Ooooooooooo! They have paw-eye coordination and can walk in a straight line! Big deal. Show offs. I could walk just fine if I had four legs too. As it stands, crawling on all fours isn’t quite the same thing. That’s how rumors get started.
As the dog walked away I say where one of my adult diapers went. I guess I thought it was a good idea at some point to put one on the dog. HA! I’m hilarious! I could safely assume that four diapers were accounted for; two dogs and two cats in the house. I’d never stop with diapering just one animal. That would be half assed.
I decided to concentrate and do my damnedest to piece together the jumbled jigsaw puzzle that was the last 72 hours. Based on the evidence and the strange fact that I had bird seed in my pocket, I came up with this cobbled together time line.
Wednesday, March 17- Noon
Pre-programmed local area blood banks and hospitals into my GPS. Ate a nutritious Saint Patrick’s day lunch of black bread and Guinness. Either that or a severely moldy slice of bread I found behind the toaster… and Guinness.
Wednesday, March 17- 5 PM
Polished off a case of Smithwhick’s and bummed a ride to the pub. Now, from what I can put together, I either had a friend pick me up or I hitched a ride with a clown. I did find a rubber nose down my pants at one point.
Wednesday, March 17- 11 PM
Sang some Irish karaoke, even though the bar didn’t have a karaoke machine and I was, apparently, singing into an empty toilet paper tube.
Thursday, March 18- 10 AM
Have the feeling I was in Yakima for some odd reason. I don’t have much to base this on other than the appearance of a brand new “I Heart Yakima” t-shirt that I was suddenly wearing.
Thursday, March 18- 1 PM
Something to do with a zoo…
Thursday, March 18- 4 PM
Had a quickie wedding with the bottle of whisky I was drinking.
Thursday, March 18- 4:15 PM
Divorced said bottle of whisky due to irreconcilable differences.
Thursday, March 18- 8 PM
Signed up for the Peace Corps
Thursday, March 18- 9:23 PM
Realized I didn’t sign up for the Peace Corps. It was a waiver for a wet t-shirt competition.
Thursday, March 18- 11 PM
Inexplicably wearing a soaking wet “I Heart Yakima” t-shirt.
Friday, March 19
Posted on April 7, 2010, in Alcohol, Holidays, Ren and tagged Gatorade, Hanukkah, Holidays, Home Depot, Irish whiskey, Nancy Drew, Saint Patrick, Saint Patrick's Day, St. Patrick's Day, Ted Kennedy. Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.