Vote for Abe Lincoln in 2012- A Corpse for the People!

By Tresckow

Friends, I come to you as a prophet. Maybe I’m an oracle. No, what’s the word for a guy that shows his people the way and leads them to a better place? Moses? OK. Let’s just call it that.

OK, let’s try this again. People, I come to you as your Moses!

Look around you. Right now! Do it! What do you see? I’ll tell you what you see. Chaos! Chaos everywhere! Look in your closet; that’s right. CHAOS! The world is in turmoil. Economies are collapsing. Governments are imploding. American Idol is in its 9th season. This shit is real! Even our country, the great Republic of the United States is feeling this global bitch slap. Fine, the US may or may not be the cause of some of it. We’re not here to point fingers. Well, except at China. I’m watching you. Damn panda loving sons-a-bitches.

Genghis Khan. Now there was a guy that knew his Chinese diplomacy. FIRE.


Unemployment in the US is hovering around 81.29%. Health care literally doesn’t care. Politicians are dicks. [NOTE: the previous sentences may be fact, except that we made them up. Well, not the politician thing. They really are dicks- science has proven it (citation needed)]

Who can we trust? Everyone running for office has a personal agenda. Shit, Arlen Specter switched parties so he can get elected for another century.

[NOTE] We chose Arlen Specter, because the senate election going on in Pennsylvania makes us laugh. Don’t get us wrong. We’re no fans of Sestak or any of the other ham-fisted suckos running for office either. In fact, it’s a good bet that NO ONE at the FWTC would waste our vote for any of these ass clowns.

You have to give Specter a little lebensraum. Remember: Specter SWITCHED parties. He took his Republican jersey off and put on his Democrat jersey. Understand? Arlen didn’t. There’s a good chance he doesn’t know which party he’s with, today.

The midterm elections are cramming their rhetoric down your throat every time you turn on the TV. Candidate A is for children and air. Candidate B eats children, but loves puppies. It’s only going to get worse with the presidential election. Obama did or didn’t do what he said. His opponent will do whatever it is Obama hasn’t or won’t. Obama is too much like Bush or not enough. Blah blah blah blah blah! You can use any name you want, it’s the same crap handed down to us for generations. I blame Millard Filmore, but what do I know?

Weak anti-slavery, Whig son-of-a-bitch.

All we hear in every shuck and jive campaign ad is that we must move forward! Keep looking ahead, Mary and Bobby Gotsnojob! Today is the present. Don’t stay in the present. Look to the future! WRONG! We’ve been looking in the wrong direction for a good 100 years. Look to the past! The past is like an old pair of bedroom slippers; it’s warm, comfortable, you know it well. That’s right, the past will take all that worry away. I, Tresckow, am here to lead you to the past!

Fire up the flux capacitor, Doc. Marty, get us all the guns and ammo you can carry. Someone get me my Huey Lewis and the News cassettes. TO THE PAST!


Tresckow’s drunk again. I hear you saying that in front of your monitors. NO! I am not drunk yet! I do have a bottle of Johnny Walker Red in the freezer, but that’s for a completely unrelated article. People! It doesn’t matter WHO we elect or don’t elect. It will always be the wrong person.

Insert your candidate here.


Let’s not forget the members of the “Last Name Club.” The club is famous for desperately holding onto their respective legacies, using them anyway they can to win another term, a first term, secure funds for their pet projects, and a metric shit ton of other things most of us can’t even fathom. Our last names aren’t even influential enough to get a pothole the size of a mortar crater filled before more kids fall into it, never to return


We are boned! Ask not for who the bone bones. It bones for thee. NO. We’re taking it back. Stand up and be counted. There is a man our nation can trust, implicitly. A man that has done it all. A giant of a man both in stature and intellect who has gone through wars and waged one as commander and chief, himself. A pillar of strength, a scholar, and ass kicker extraordinaire. While the rest of the country is stuck with their Bidens, Palins, and Clintons we’re going to be ahead of the curve! Who am I talking about? Was the title of this article too cryptic? Abraham-f’n-Lincoln!

That’s right, bitches. The Lincolnater.


Lincoln broke more constitutional amendments than any other president in history. Instead of being a wuss and keeping his infractions a secret, Abe smashed them to smithereens in plain view of the public! Talking smack about Abe in your newspaper? He’s going to shut that shit down and throw you in jail. Looking for your right to a speedy trial? Eat it! Abe doesn’t care for your… rights. Lincoln is here to get shit done and he doesn’t care whose girly toes he steps on!

Shove your right of habeas corpus up your ass.


With Lincoln there would be no controversy at Gitmo. He would roll up his sleeves and waterboard enemies of the state personally on friggin pay-per-view! Define “enemies of the state?” Anyone who happens to piss him off that day. And we’ll thank him for it.

He might just bust a cap all up in this piece.


There’s no guesswork. We already know how great Lincoln is. He kicked some Confederate ass and dropped the Emancipation Proclamation like an anvil on Wiley Coyote’s head. He had a file folder as thick as a New York City phone book filled with death threats. Lincoln wasn’t phased. Know what he said?

You wanna go, shit sack? Bring it.

– A. Lincoln [probably not, but it’s how we imagined it.]

“Strike me down and I shall become more powerful than you can imagine. Bitch.

Look at the guy he picked as his Vice President. No, not that moonshine drunk, Andrew Johnson. I’m talking about Hannibal Hamlin. We don’t know jack about him, nor did he really do anything memorable. But, his name kicks as much ass as Chuck Norris in a room full of uranium!

Unfortunately, Hamlin’s appearance didn’t match his bone crunching name. So, instead, please enjoy this picture of the Lord Humongous

Immigration problem? Lincoln would personally stand on the US-Mexico border with his arms crossed. The drug cartels would get a poop chute full of Abe’s size 16. What are they going to do? Kill him again? That’s right. He’s undead. I should have mentioned that.

Hey, Iran and North Korea! You gotta problem? Tsk, tsk; it looks like someone is playing with nuclear weapons after they agreed not to. Lincoln wouldn’t stand for that shit. After challenging and winning a wrestling match with Ahmadinejad, he’ll ball tag Kim Jong with a railroad spike. Just when you think it’s over, he’ll go to New York and, personally, pimp slap the entire UN for being a bunch of weak willed panty-waists.

Look, with every round of elections getting more and more like a kick in the junk, isn’t it time we vote for someone we already know is a winner?  Come on, he won two terms already!  There’s nothing in the constitution about a dead man getting re-elected for a third term.  Read it.  I defy you to find a mention of it ANYWHERE.

While you’re wasting your time, Lincoln is going to single-handedly bring back the boombox.

It’s time for a change by completely reverting back to the past.  We can’t lose!  He already has his own memorial and an ass load of schools, libraries, and music houses named after him.  Abe is incorruptible.  He won’t cater to big business.  As soon as the royalties from all those pennies and 5 dollar bills start rolling in, Mr. Abe-tastic will be the richest man in the world.  Bill Gates?  Eat it!

He’s got his own temple. What do you have, douche?

Mark it on your calendar.  FWTC is officially endorsing Abraham Lincoln for the 2012 presidential election.  That’s right, we took a side.  We’re talking an all out campaign here.  You want in?

Don’t make Lincoln come find you.



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Posted on May 20, 2010, in In the news, Life Lessons, Observations and aggravations, Politics, Society, Tresckow. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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