OK. I get it. The Wii is here to stay. Fine. Whatever. The little SOB is everywhere; at the mall, on television, at conventions, and even in my house. IN MY HOUSE! Mother of God!
At first, I thought this was a fad like ColecoVision or the government caring about unemployment. No such luck. Almost everyone has been caught in the wii’s mighty motion capture grasp. For shit’s sake, kids start waving the Wii controller around as soon as they escape the womb. Old people, who have long been inept at everything technological, can suddenly play a quick nine on the virtual golf course.
I’m guilty of playing a few games on this infernal thing, myself. But, I lose interest quickly. Other than the fact that you look like a friggin epileptic train wreck while playing, I find it generally screwed up when the games being played are replicating shit you can do for real. Outside! With… people. You know, interaction? Sure, some smart ass will be the first to point out that I don’t do shit outside. That’s true. But, I sure as hell don’t simulate the shit I refuse to do in real time in my living room. How the hell is any of this sane?
Society is the late Roman Empire and the Wii is the barbarian horde climbing over the walls. You dig? Try this shit on for size:
Increased shut-in population:
Once upon a time, there was a gamer. The gamer, in his (let’s face it, it’s almost always a guy) natural habitat is pretty harmless. Sitting in his parents’ basement covered in two weeks worth of body odor, the gamer doesn’t venture outside in reality. First off, the sun is just too damn bright and will literally set his near translucent skin on fire. Second of all, whatever social skills they had as high school outcasts have vanished as they crossed the line into social outcasts.
But, that’s not enough for the insatiable appetite of Nintendo. Hell no! EVERYONE must spend every moment of their spare time in front of the TV! People who used to unleash hurtful (but accurate) barrage after barrage of ball kicking insults at the gamer are now one of them. Oh, they look like regular people. Most of them have a job and are cleaner… oh so much cleaner. But Wii is slowly turning them into compulsive couch weights bent on playing “just one more game of Mario Kart.”
Playing on nostalgia to control your mind
People love nostalgia. Yeah, I remember playing minutes and minutes worth of the original Mario Brothers and Duck Hunt. So, being the corporate juggernauts that they are, Nintendo decided to mind rape the sentimental fools by re-issuing old school games through Wii. The memories of your childhood will blind you to the fact that the Wii version of Super Mario Brothers is complete shit and nothing like the original. It’s the goddamn equivalent of what George Lucas did and might do to the Star Wars franchise.
Catering to and creating the super-lazy
OK, I’m a lazy bastard. Everyone at the FWTC is. If Roode could, he would have one of those recliner/toilet deals with a built in mini fridge so he would never have to leave his TV.
The Wii, however, is breeding a new generation of super-lazy and re-programming the current generation of regular lazy. If you have a wireless system in your home, you can connect your Wii to the outside world. Your little Wii mii bullshit avatar can interact with other bullshit miis and “expand” your digital recreation world. Well, not expand it to the point where you actually have to leave your house. That would be insane.
Netflix now has a partnership with Nintendo. You can now download movies straight to the Wii. OK, that’s sort of awesome. Think about it, though. First it’s movies then pizza. Eventually, you’ll be able to order groceries with this thing. Where does it end? Prostitutes? Puppies? Surplus Polaris warheads? Yes, you can do this shit online too (I’m sure some douche has put one or two cold war era missiles on eBay), but that usually involves getting off your ass and walking to the computer. The need to move will be virtually eliminated.
Simulated in-door activities supplanting their real life counterparts:
Perhaps the most colon fisting thing about the Wii is that much of the games simulate shit mankind never really thought of or had the need to fake. Who the hell wants to fake walk? You got up this morning and went to the bathroom to take a dump. That’s walking. Want to bowl a quick set? There’s no need to go to the trouble of going outside and interacting with people. Just pop Wii bowling into the contraption and fake bowl your ass off. Does Wii simulate the smell of stale beer and cigarettes you’d get at a real bowling alley? Hell no! What’s the point in bowling if the smell of three day old urine isn’t in the air?
We’ve compiled a Nobel Prize winning analysis of a select group of activities comparing and contrasting the respective Wii and real life experiences. The “winner” of each has been decided using a complicated system of ones and zeros. Nevermind, it’s too difficult to explain. Just go with us on this….
- Wii cost: Retail price of $30 plus needed accessories.
- Real life activity cost: Racket, shoes, balls; $200. for no thrills.
- Richness of experience-Wii: You’re just waving around a controller in your living room hitting a ball that isn’t really there to a opponent who doesn’t exist
- Richness of experience– Real Time: Who the hell knows. You run around, grunt like an ape, and sweat like a fat man climbing the stairs.
- Winner: No one. Wii tennis simulates a sport that’s boring enough in real time.
- Wild Card: Ball girls. These are two words most men enjoy together.
- Wii cost: About $20 depending on what version you get. In spite of popular conjecture, the new Tiger Woods game will not be NC-17. We kind of wish it would be only with Eliza Dushku and Summer Glau.
- Real life activity cost: This also depends on the “version” you get. Cheap public courses run around $25 and you get to keep any used condoms or heroin needles you find. Private courses could run as high as $200 and the used condoms are extra. Clubs? We’re still trying to figure out why anyone needs more than one.
- Richness of experience– Wii: As with Wii tennis, you’re pretty much waving your arms around like an epileptic shit-tard. But, you don’t have to put on pants.
- Richness of experience– Real life: As with most (all) Scottish recreational sports (there are at least two, right?) golf is just another excuse to get shit faced in public.
- Winner: We’re going with real life golf only because, drinking in public is being social. Drinking by yourself in front of the television is sad.
- Wild Card: Golf carts make for great battering rams. Also, we’re pretty sure it’s not technically “drinking and driving” in the eyes of the state.
- Wii cost: $10, depending on which brand you opt for. If you want to look slightly less bat-shit nuts, you’ll want to get a Wii hockey stick which most places don’t sell individually. In order to make the retail rape a little more memorable, you’ll have to buy the entire “sports pack.” That’s anywhere between $20 and $40 depending on the store and brand.
- Real life activity cost: They typical cost for equipment is usually covered with the overall cost of joining a team. Hockey stick, pads, helmet, blah, blah, blah… something around a shit load (scientifically speaking). The true cost, however, is the amount of head trauma and brain damage you’ll rack up over the years.
- Richness of experience– Wii: It’s a lot cheaper, but a lot less satisfying. You can’t really body check the coffee table, nor can you punch your spouse in the face when the ref makes a bad call. Of course, punching your spouse in the face is mandatory in some southern states whether or not you’re playing hockey.
- Richness of experience– Real life: Absorbing and inflicting pelvis crunching pain is what makes hockey great. When you get wheeled into the emergency room you can rest assured that the guy you kicked in the spleen will keep you company.
- Winner: Real life hockey for all the reasons mentioned above and so many more.
- Wild Card: Fist fights on the ice are considered sport. Fist fights in your home over Wii hockey will get you on Springer.
4. Mario Kart
- Wii cost: $30 to $50. If you want to opt for the Wii wheel it will be closer to $50. The wheel really only exists to make it a little less goofy looking pretending to drive your couch.
- Real life activity cost: That really depends on several factors. Since Mario Kart is, essentially, racing around, side-swiping other cars, and throwing random things at your fellow motorists, it compares to driving anywhere in New Jersey, Philadelphia, Richmond, Seattle, Los Angeles, or Dallas. The only major difference being that Mario Kart isn’t nearly as violent.
The costs are directly related to your state’s/province’s traffic fines and insurance coverage. We’re not factoring in the actual car cost, because some states don’t have inspection and, therefore, don’t care if you put your vehicle together with duct tape and string.
- Richness of experience– Wii: Eh, I guess seeing all the Mario World characters putting aside their respective grudges to race each other in bloody death is entertaining enough. Except for Toad. That little shit stain is annoying in any incarnation. Eat shit, Toad!
- Richness of experience– Real life: Hard to say. It’s a friggin miracle if you can work up enough speed to approach 20 MPH on Jersey 42 let alone run someone off the road while braining them with a turtle shell. However, the I-90 from Northwest Idaho through Western Montana is a real life Carmageddon. If you careen off a mountain in Mario Kart, you end up reappearing at last place. Do the same on the Montana 90 and the state police will find your charred corpse during the next thaw.
- Winner: Montana.
- Wild Card: No one gives a shit if you speed in either Mario Kart or on Montana I-90. In one, you are racing as a character that doesn’t really exist. In the other you simply cease to exist.