10 Retarded Names That Prove Car Companies Stopped Caring

Gene Gene the Roode Machine-

Alright, auto companies, I’m on to you.  Decade after decade you churn the same shit boxes on four wheels out for a drooling public with more credit than brains.  Each one has some bell or whistle that is slightly different than the bell or whistle the other guy has.  Maybe next season the Ford Explorer will have air conditioning in the seat so you can cool that sweaty taint of yours after a long day at the beach.  They can call it the “taint blaster.”  No more will Ford owners have to worry about their wet taints on the drive home.  That’s fucking progress!

But, you'll still need this for a thorough clean.

I understand the appeal of certain car names;  Mustang, Charger, Bronco.  That shit makes you want to wrangle up a herd of stampeding cattle or single handedly win World War II.  A bad ass who quips one liners while he stomps another asshole where the bad guy’s face used to be always drives sex on wheels.  Take Jaguar, for instance.  JAGUAR.  The name, alone, hammers images of eight cylinder justice and constant super model boning in your head.  These names don’t disappoint.  Jaguar is as impressive to drive as it is to say.  You just know the vehicle is going to be awesome when it’s named for a carnivorous killing machine or a wild, rampaging horse. Quick!  What comes to mine when you hear the word “Yugo?”

Whooohooo! Let the boot knocking begin!

Man is, by nature, a stupid and gullible creature.  Marketing firms and car companies know this.  They invest so much time in the product placement and brand name that there’s little left over for the actual car mechanics.  Or, they just pull the name out of their asses ten minutes before they make the commercial.  Either way, someone is fucking the pooch here.  Car names no longer instill boner raging masculinity.  For fuck’s sake, there’s nothing sexier than a smoking hot blonde behind the wheel of a Mustang.  Put that hot blonde behind the wheel of a Volarie and..   shit.  Nevermind.  Chances are that guys wouldn’t notice the car at all.  So that’s just a shitty example.

Um, car? There's a car?

Regardless of the calibre of hot blonde behind the wheel or on the hood, you’ll still be stuck with a car that sounds like a third grader’s super secret fort.  It’s hard to narrow down the list of banana sandwich goofy car names.  So, this list is pretty much a random assortment of marketing retardation.  Sometimes there is a story behind a name.  Other times it’s just made up bullshit.

1.  Studebaker Dictator:  – 1927-1937

It was a more simple time in the early 20th century.  People played jacks, hop scotched..  shit with kicking cans or marbles.  Whatever.  I don’t really know.  It was a barbaric age before iphones and internet porn.  But, there was no excuse for phoning in the name for one of the earliest cars ever made.  If anything, you want its name to rock harder than a metal band playing in the crater of an active volcano.  Studebaker decided to go a different route.  It was meant to refer to how they “dictated the standard” for automobiles.  Instead, it sounded more like a car that was hell-bent on staying in power and eliminating its enemies.

Dictator.

2.  Nissan Armada:  2004-Present

Obviously someone remembered a random word from their high school history class.  I’m not sure if the name is supposed to conjure up images of something gigantic or impressive.  Maybe it’s supposed to suggest it can fend off the British Navy while conquering territory.  Come on, there are plenty of other words from school Nissan could have used instead of “Armada.”  How about the Nissan Galleon?  The Whaler?    The Nissan Small Pox sounds catchy.

Be the first to own the 2011 Nissan Guillotine!

3.  Ford Probe:  1989-1997

Quick!  What comes to mind when you hear the word “probe?”  Is it the worst performing car of 1997?  Does a Mazda GD platform rip off stuck in 4 cylinder hell flash in your head?

No. It's probably the image of one of these bastards jamming a piece of hardware up your ass.

Exactly, who thought this name was a good idea?  Nothing about the word “probe” sounds enticing.  Who said, “PROBE!  That’s GREAT,” during a board meeting?  That’s what we want in a car name.  Who wouldn’t want to fork over some cash for a car with a name associated with some of the most horrific alien abduction stories known to man?  Was the “Ford Rape” taken?  Take advantage of society’s desensitization to porn and slap on a label with some gravitas.  I would be proud to be the owner of a Ford Rim Job or a Ford Donkey Punch.

4.  Toyota Sequoia:  2000-Present

Well, shit.  No word in the English language embodies speed like the name of a big ass plant.  Yeah, I get it.  A sequoia is supposed to symbolize the hugeness that is this SUV.  It also symbolized a gigantic immobile-fucking-object.  Forget “lightning” or “cheetah.”  Toyota is happy to compare their vehicles to a fucking tree.

5.  Dodge Coronet:  1949-1976

This thing either sounds like a musical instrument you were stuck with in middle school, because all the saxophones were taken or a type of toilet paper.

The predecessor for the aircraft carrier sized Dodge Diplomat, the Coronet was Dodge’s first go at a post-war design.  Some of its generations looked downright awesome.

The 500 Coupe would instantly get a guy laid. *citation needed*

But, as soon as you say “Yeah, this is my Dodge Coronet,” you’ve castrated yourself.  There’s no good way to say it.  Fucker might as well be called the Dodge “Small Dick Premature Ejaculation.”  Any self-respecting guy would have ripped that name badge off with a screw driver and hammer.

6.  Toyota Tacoma:  1996-Present

Toyota makes our list for a second time.  Aside from the fact that the Tacoma is designed for the yup-fuck crowd who like to drive SUVs with the cargo section roof missing and pretend it’s a pick-up, it’s named for one of the shittiest holes in Washington.  Nice going, Japan.  You’ve forever associated this wannabe truck with gang violence and the putrid smell of one of the world’s chunk blowingest pulp plants.

Love that new car smell.

7.  Renault Le Car:  1972-1996

Those fucking French.  “Le” has no business being in front of “car”.  These fuckers weren’t even trying.  OK, it was officially called the Renault 5.    But, in Canada and the US, it was marketed as Le Car.  What the fuck kind of effort went into this translation?  Just because a bunch of cheese eating surrender monkeys dubbed it “The Car” in French doesn’t make it chic.  The only thing more asinine is the fact that this piece of shit was one of the first super minis.   This shit has no place in Canada.  I saw one of these atrocities in Calgary when  I was a kid.  I bet the pretentious son-of-a-bitch that bought it thought he was on the cutting edge of the international car scene.  I went back in the winter and saw that fucker completely buried under snow.  Nice buy, dipshit.  Way to keep the Albertan winter wonderland in mind while car shopping.

8.  Toyota Yaris:  1999-Present

At this point in the list, I’m forced to assume that Toyota just doesn’t care.  This poor bastard tried to get a straight answer from them.  Essentially, as their marketing lore goes, the inspiration came from the Greek Goddess, Charis; a symbol of all that is beauty and elegance.  Then, for reasons only known to their corporate marketing monkeys and Satan, they crammed Ya in front of the name to represent the German word for “Yes.”  Yeah, that explanation is real.  So, here you have a car which is almost obscenely a hatchback, the misspelling of a German word, and the Japanese  pissing all over Ancient Greek traditions.  I, for one, can’t wait for the Honda Pontius Pilate to roll out.

The NEW 2011 Pontius Pilate has seat warmers, sat nav, bluetooth, and an onboard hand sanitizer to allow you to "wash your hands" of many of today's little traffic mishaps.

9.  Chevy Avalanche:  2002-Present

I’m not sure likening a vehicle to a natural disaster is good for your image.  In my experiences, people RUN AWAY from avalanches, not towards them.  Is this Chevy’s ham fisted way of conveying the “surrounded with comfort” feeling.  Is the comfort in the cabin of one of these yuppie trucks that jammed packed?  Is the driver virtually smothered by mp3 ports, plush upholstery, and cup holders?  Claustrophobia must be a big thing in the auto industry.  But, how wise is it to cater to the small pro-smothering demographic?   And will Chevy be tapping other niche demographics in the future?  I’m sure their over paid marketing geniuses could crank out names that would appeal to tiny demos that are into anal fisting, water sports, or S&M.  Damn it, the television ads practically write themselves!   The 2011 Chevy Fister would definitely turn some heads.

10.  Kia Soul:  2008-Present

Is this way Kia is trying to give the white man soul (Read:  music)?  Or, are they attempting to give us a four-wheel spiritual essence (Read:  spirit)?  I see a lot of things when I look at this car and none of them is “soul.”  I wonder if this is, yet another, case of random words floating around the minds of the company’s marketers.  Someone had to have watched a bit of Soul Train late the night before while contemplating suicide.

Why stop at soul?  As with the other cars on this list, there are hundreds of random words a company can half- assedidly stamp on the back of a car.  If we’re talking intangible things that relate to the human condition, how about the “Kia Conscious” or “Kia Hootzbaugh?”  If ever you find that your soul is more connected with your car than with humanity, drive your mobile soul into the nearest body of water.

I know there are dozens more goofy, groin-grabbingly good examples of an auto manufacturer taking a marketing dump on its products.  But, the more I think about the idiocy, the more aggravated I get.  The Gremlin, The Judge, Pinto, this list is fucking endless.  There’s only one way to derail this hate train.

All I see is hot blonde.

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Posted on July 28, 2010, in Guest Writers, In the news, Observations and aggravations, Shopping, Society, Technology, Travel and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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