A Very Roode Christmas Letter

By, Roode-

Dear friends,

First off, let me tell you how happy I am that the end of this godforsaken year is in sight.  I am sure I can speak for my wife when I say 2010 has been ten pounds of shit in a five-pound bag.  Of course, I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know.  I have no doubt that many of you were slapped in the face with the used toilet paper of life.  Somehow, that makes me just a bit happier.  Not that misery loves company (not JUST that), but because I generally wish ill upon mankind.  Hey, the ill will has to start somewhere.  Why not with people I know?

Before I go on, let me just say that I apologize for sending a form letter.  Everybody that writes one of these year-end Christmas letters says that.  I mean it.  I didn’t want to write a letter at all.  I, personally, don’t want you people in my shit.  The only thing I care less about than your life is telling people about mine.  While I’m apologizing, I might as well say that some of  these letters are printed on the back of some old STD informational forms and flyers from World War II I found in a dumpster.  I don’t have the money to spend on neat, clean sheets of paper.  We’re not all made of money.  I think you’ll find the ominous VD exam posters particularly festive.

I don't know. Draw a Santa hat on him and hang it on the wall.

I suppose this is the point where I have to offer updates on my family and such.  In order to avoid typing more than I have to, I’ve put it all in bullet point form.

  • I was laid off by my employer
  • My previous place of employment burned to the ground
  • I was arrested for suspicion of arson
  • I, recently, ran for public office- running on the “pistol whip your child” platform
  • I was beaten soundly by my political opponent
  • My political opponent’s home burned to the ground
  • I was arrested for suspicion of arson
  • I applied for several jobs in the area, but nothing panned out
  • Several places of business in the area burned to the ground
  • I was arrested for suspicion of arson
  • I’m working on becoming an alcoholic
  • Tried to join the fire department, but didn’t make the cut
  • Ironically, the local fire department burned to the ground
  • I was arrested for suspicion of arson
  • I joined the police force.
  • The local police station is standing and fire free
  • We got a cat
Above: Solution to life's problems.

The only good thing about 2010 is that it was full of valuable life lessons for me.  For instance, did you know that most convenience stores hand out free packs of matches?  They’re great for a multitude of things; lighting candles, making campfires, and burning evidence.

Another important tidbit of knowledge I gathered is how to properly make a Molotov cocktail.  It’s easier than you think.  It’s amazing what you can do with packing peanuts and the proper mixture of kerosene and tar.

Perhaps, the most amazing thing that has happened in 2010 is the fact that I’m still married.  Aside from the wife’s annoying tendency to be a perfect human being, she has been very supportive of my struggles this year.  She has also been quite useful for the occasional alibi and no longer bothers asking questions when I come home covered in soot.  Although, the internalizing of all that stress could, conceivably, manifest itself into some sort of brain tumor down the road.  I guess we’ll find out.

I can't help but feel partly to blame for your crippling migraines. On the plus side, you're still smoking hot.

This year has been the Road Runner to my Wile E. Coyote.  And that fucking Acme mail order company keeps screwing me over.  But, ultimately, I am to blame.  I keep ordering their defective and fucktarded products thinking that “THIS TIME” I’ll finally get that feathered road running fuck.

Things usually start well enough.
But, I always end up falling off that fucking cliff.
In closing, I am happy to see the shit storm that was 2010 go.  I’ve decided to skip Christmas and go straight for the bottle of Night Train.  Well, bottles of Night Train.  My ultimate goal is to not regain consciousness until late Spring.

Might as well invite a few of his friends, too.
Sincerely,
Roode
Purchase your items at Amazon through FWTC. We'll know if you didn't.
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One comment

  1. I was looking for a photo of a Night Train bottle and came across this. Talk about laughing my ass off. Thanks so much–last year (and this year so far) was nothing but one big smelly turd and I needed a good laugh!

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