Article Fail; Charting the Death of a POS

By, Roode-

You would be surprised how often an artist had to try before he came up with his masterpiece.  Michelangelo had to carve countless dongs out of marble to get “David” just right.  I don’t know what he did with all the extras, but I’m pretty sure I have a guess.

It’s only a matter of time before some archaeologist finds this.

This is also true with FWTC.  As Tresckow pointed out here, many an idea for an article is shit canned, dies on the table, or sits in the queue until someone takes responsibility for it.  It’s not that all of these ideas suck (well, none of mine).  It’s just that, sometimes, we can’t make them work.  Even if we can, something comes along to ball- tag us into submission.  The server could shit its pants just before we hit “save.”  One of our computers will lock up and give us the finger.  Some dipshit (Tresckow) could click the wrong button and end up using a later version of the write-up and derail the train.  In any case, it happens to me, sometimes.  This instance isn’t because the subject sucked or that I couldn’t make it work.  It’s more like it was killed with an over abundance of laziness and cyber-bullshit clusterfuck.

Towards the end of 2010, Facebook’s Friend Finder bullshit was on everyone’s monitor.  It would outright lie and do its best to con your dumb ass into signing up for their thinly veiled market research campaign.  It pissed me off.  I know, it’s hard to imagine.  But, I shit you not, it sent me on more than one curse filled rant.  So, I figured I’d write an article about it.  Why not?  If Ren can pull a bit about ConAir out of her ass, I surely can spin hate-fueled gold.

The start: 

At this point, I’ve got a pretty good handle on things.  I’m raring to go and stayed up all night looking for new ways to say, “dick bag.” 

I remember when I never used Facebook.  Those were wonderful times.  I’m naturally pretty adverse to most technology; smart phones, navigation systems, online social media, shoes…  Look, the point is that I like life to be simple.

Still too complicated!

Here, I proudly admit to my complete monkey-dumbassary as far as technology goes.  As with most pieces on comedy websites, a well-trained author will throw in a little self-deprecating humour in an effort to pretend he’s on the same level as the readers.  That’s not true.  In actuality, the author is on a completely different plane of existence; too advanced to be understood by simple mortals and their love for ass-chapping reality television shows.

It took many a round of convincing by the wife that Facebook was a good tool to keep in touch with family and friends.  You know, the fuckers I try to stay away from.  But, as usual, I caved.  Yeah, I’m a complete sucker for my wife.  From angrily watching Glee with her to removing the frozen pizza from the box BEFORE I put it in the oven.

Set the stove on fire a few times and suddenly I’m the bad guy.

Yes, another jab at my baffling incompetence with being a functioning part of society.  Please note that I have, once again, put my wife on a pedestal, calling notice to her ability to both deal with my shit and walk through life doing every-ever-fucking-loving thing perfectly.  That, and I figured it’s a pretty good half-assed attempt in getting laid.  You know, build her up while making myself look like a stooge.  In case you’re wondering, it didn’t work.   

I signed up for FB, after answering a thousand shit eating questions.  Sure, I could have just opened an account and left it at that.  But, FB doesn’t play that game.  It mocks you every time you sign on.  “Hey!  Your profile is empty!”  “Why not add some interests?  Everybody else is doing it!”  Even if I can manage to avoid that social networking bastard’s taunts, fucker goes ahead and tells the world that I’m a slack ass.

STOP JUDGING ME!

Now, I still have a pretty tight grasp on where this article is going.  Remember, 1.  I hate technology, 2.  I hate Glee, 3.  Facebook is a bag of dicks. 

After I waded through all that touchy-feely bullshit I Ronco-ed that bad boy; set it and forget it.  One of the reasons I chose FB (other than my wife’s mysterious, yet sexy power over me) is that it didn’t have as many of those annoying aps as MySpace.  As soon as I got somewhat comfortable with my virtual existence I was hit by a shit storm of game invites, survey results, and constant advertisements calling me by name.

How do you know my name?! Who are you?!

Yeah, another compliment to the wife.  Look, I need all the help I can get.  I tend to get banished to the couch a lot.  But, my point is clear.  Facebook exploits a human’s basic need to play online games that aren’t worth two shits in Wyoming. 

Oh, Adel questioned the reference to Ronco; saying no one born after 1978 was going to get it.  As with everything else I’ve written, my philosophy is “Fuck you.”

Fuck it.  It’s not 100% intrusive.  These fucktarded ads are just in the left column.  There are ways to ignore bullshit Mob Wars and Whose-it-fuckis FarmVille/town/empire/concentration camp.  Wait.  FarmVille Concentration Camp may be something I’d get into.  Build your barbed wire fences little by little.  Earn enough funds from the government to hire all the guards you need.  And bullets…  lots and lots of bullets.

I can just feel that I’m going to hell for this.

 I’m particularly proud of this section.  “FarmVille Concentration Camp” is the best idea in the history of social networking.  Someone get on this NOW!  I once hammered out a complete schematic of how this game would work.  I had to draw it in pencil, because as you can tell, I suck royal ass at photoshop.  Once completed, I showed it around to a few friends for their take on it- you know; railway stations, mines, labour groups, random executions…  No one really said anything.  I just got a call from Amnesty International.

Then, that’s it.  It went off the rails.  No, my writing didn’t spiral down into a pit of hellishness not seen since Ugly Betty.  I banged out another page or two of ball-grabbing hilarity.  But, oh no.  Life gladly took my efforts on top of Mount Son-of-a-bitch and threw them over the side.

My computer and the FWTC server decided to have a pissing contest.  It didn’t matter who won, because I lost.  FireFox told me that my session lasted a little too long, so it had to shut it down.  So what?  The FWTC server generously supplied by wordpress updates and saves every few minutes.  I may lose that last joke about vagina hockey, but I can add it once I reopen the file.  See?  Easy!

They were all out of “Easy” buttons.

 Firefox decided it was imperative that I leave the website’s dashboard IMMEDIATELY!  Something got its panties in a bunch and it wanted to shut the whole fucking system down.  Alright.  Fine.  I’ll just click “save” on the dashboard and Bob’s your uncle.  Wait a second…

 What in fuck’s name just happened?  the WordPress dashboard won’t let me save my work.  In fact, it’s just staring at me like a retarded kid during a school bus ride.  I click “Save” once.  I click it twice; the little bastard just stands there.  The “Save” button doesn’t give a shit about me or  my needs.  I can’t go forward, because Firefox won’t let  me.  I can’t reason with the dashboard, because it, flat-out, wants to see me in a rage that will take the house and half the block with it.  Hmmm.  The back arrow isn’t all grayed out.  It’s my only choice, I guess.  Otherwise, I’m going to be sitting in front of this fucking computer forever.

Pretty much the scenario I was in.

So, as I usually say when cars, computers, alcohol, and kids are concerned, Fuck It!  The back arrow is my friend.  It has to be.  I just lost a day’s work here.  Something has to still be hanging around on one of the previous windows.  Right?

 FUCK!  That sure as hell didn’t work!  It skipped a few dozen pages and took my ass to a page visit from two days ago?  Why?  Who’s fucking with me?  One of the greatest masterpieces of all times is getting shit-canned because, the cyber-world is being a little bitch.  All I wanted to do is complete this article, get it copy edited, then click “send.”  BAM!  Off to the next.

Well, when there’s hope, there’s someone to kick you in the head with an iron boot!  I backtracked all the previous versions of my article.  WordPress makes it relatively easy to compare and contrast versions just in case you want to include that line about that fat lady being arrested for causing a ruckus (to all you motherfuckas- sorry, I was channeling Busta Rhymes for a second) on that quiet car on that Amtrak train going from Oakland, CA to Salem, OR.  I can’t quite remember if I called her a “douche bag with a phone attached” or “illiterate, obnoxious fat ass.”  So, I go back into my archives (or versions as WordPress calls them) and check the older saved versions.  That would have worked on any other day.  Today is not any other-fucking day.

Yup. That was pretty much my day.

 The most recent version that was saved was waaaaay back when I first started the article.  It had a title and the by-line.  That’s it.  I was miffed.  Maybe, a tad upset.  Fine!  I threw my keyboard out the window.

Happy now? Feeling good about yourself to out me as a rage-a-holic?

But, I couldn’t let my loyal fans (fan?) down!  I diligently pieced together the article, calling upon my photographic memory to fit the puzzle together.  After a couple of hours I was stoked.  Screw the last version of the article!  This one is IT!  THIS ONE!  It’s funnier, more offensive, and more ROODE than all the other versions combined.  I AM ALL THAT IS MAN!

I hit “save” and sent a message to Tresckow that my future Nobel Prize worthy article was ready for copy editing.  Now all I had to do was sit back and wait for the final product; a few funny pics here and there, some grammar correction, maybe a new variation on the term “ball sack…”  That’s right, Jack.  I was sitting pretty.

Somehow, some way Tresckow managed to fuck it up.  Who the hell knows what happened?  He hit the wrong key?  Spilled whiskey on the keyboard?  Called the server a reach-arounder?  In any event, once again, my article was thoroughly punched in the taint.  Half of it disappeared like in a bad Chris Angel sketch (sort of redundant).  What I was left with was the original half of the article I lost a day before.  Whether I was sabotaged, because of jealousy of my AWESOME writing skills or the server really wanted to dick me over; one thing was very clear:

 

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Posted on May 19, 2011, in Internet, Life Lessons, Observations and aggravations, Roode Notes, Technology and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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