I Hate Glee. What Are You Going to Do About It?

By Roode–

If you’re a regular or semi-regular reader of mine, you’ll know that I have a profound dislike for most everything.  Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of things I like.

OK, so this pretty much encompasses all my “likes.”

Perhaps, television is both my favourite and most hated of life’s little staples.  It’s a harsh mistress; dressing up for you all pretty like one moment, then pissing all over you the next.  God knows I hate television networks.  These wonder-tards are responsible for some of the worst decisions in entertainment history.  Fuck it.  I’m talking about FOX.  FOX has been anally raping its viewership since the dawn of Married:  With Children. Let’s check the score:

  1.  Arrested DevelopmentCANCELLED
  2. Terminator- The Sarah Connor ChroniclesCANCELLED
  3. Lie to MeCANCELLED
  4. FuturamaCANCELLED
  5. Family GuyCANCELLED
  6. DollhouseCANCELLED
  7. FireflyCANCELLED

Then, there are the shows that FOX execs gave a collective, “fuck it” and greenlit baffling shit like:

  1.  Who’s Your Daddy:  Fatherless child + paternity tests + slut mother + a group of guys who couldn’t keep it in their pants + TV audience + cash reward = eventual suicide
  2. Married by America:  The viewing audience could now get involved with helping young couples fuck up their futures
  3. The Littlest  Groom:  He’s a midget!  Get it?  [It actually pained me to type “littlest”]
  4. Babes:  Fat chicks.  That’s it.  There’s nothing else.
  5. House of BugginJohn Leguizamo’s latest tragically unfunny attempt at replacing “In Living Color

Even more ball-smashingly painful are the shows FOX, not only keeps on the air, but seem to have an L. Ron Hubbard type following.  Again, let’s go to the board:

  1. American Idol:  Definition of beating a dead horse and making it sing.
  2. X Factor:  What they’re calling “American Idol,” but with Simon Cowell and Pepsi.
  3. House:  Look, he’s a cranky ass, drug addicted, pompous, douchebag doctor.  We get it.
  4. Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader:  Short answer:  No
  5. Glee:  Fucking Glee

Although I can shake my fist and send human waste to FOX for the first two lists, there is no one to blame but the American people for the last.  What the fuck is wrong with society?  “But, Roode,” some of you are no doubt saying to your monitors like I give two shits, “if you don’t like these shows, don’t watch them.”  If you’re one of the people who just said that, punch yourself in the kidneys as hard as you can.  I’ll wait.

Or, have Batman do it.

The excruciatingly painful root canal of a problem is that these entertainment equivalents to eyeball AIDS don’t just stay on TV.  They’re everywhere.  They spill over into every other aspect of life:  water cooler chat, trite morning show coverage, bullshit marketing shenanigans, and a host of other methods designed to shove this camel piss down your throat.  For fuck’s sake, you half expect the doctor to give you a rectal exam with an official “GLEE” probe.

“Collect them all!”

Glee. Fucking Glee.  Outside of “reality” shows, Glee has to be the prickliest cactus that has ever been shoved up my ass [figuratively, sickos].  It combines all the things I hate in life:  singing, high school drama bullshit, singing about high school drama bullshit, hair styles from the 80’s, poser-hipster-geekdom, a Barbara Streisand wannabe, and all the douchebaggery contained therein.

And this goofy fuckstick.

Impossibly aggravating twirling paraplegic aside, I’m completely baffled as to how in the fuck this show became the runaway success it is.  I guess it has all the ingredients of an asinine network TV show popular with the toothless public:

Unrealistically pretty high school “teenagers” + mismatched couples + painfully dubbed singing + forced and contrived gay character(s)

=

RATINGS GOLD

Alright, maybe most of that is superficial for a list of reasons why I hate this show more than a punch to the yam bag.  But, it’s a goddamn TV show.  What else do I need?  It’s television cancer!  The background music, itself, is enough to drive one into a murderous rage.

I tried to watch the show once [read:  woke up on the couch while wife was watching it].  I timed myself.  It was exactly one minute until I was filled with homicidal rage.  It’s like fingers on a chalkboard.  It’s not any ONE thing.  It’s EVERYTHING.  Individually, I’m pretty sure I could stomach each vomit inducing annoyance for an hour-long show.  I hate singing in a television show, but I managed to put up with episodes of The Simpsons that shoe-horned musical sketches into the show.  High school drama on TV makes me want to set fire to an orphanage, but I was able to sit through Veronica Mars.

Kristen Bell might have had something to do with that, though.

But, all those little annoyances in concert is like being hit with a bag of oranges.  It’s a constant left-hook, right-hook combination.  It’s one of the few situations when running headlong into a wall is the better of two evils.  Take the hits too long and you’ll end up like Sylvester Stallone in Rocky V.  No, not the Rocky character.  I really mean Sylvester Stallone.

Poor bastard couldn’t tie his own shoes with help from Mr. T.

Glee has become oh so fashionable!  Why, everyone who’s ANYONE wants to have their songs shit on, ham-fisted into a “plot” then have the very essence changed to discuss the problems of kids in wheelchairs not being able to get enough blond poontang.

Look, I just really fucking hate this kid.

Ah, that’s what FOX wants you to think.  Every now and then an artist is able to withstand the evil and money to protect his work from being shat out the prime time sphincter.  Who?  Who dared defy the FOX gods and deny them their power and inefficient hybrids?

Dave MOTHER FUCKING Grohl!

Back in March of 2011, Dave declined to give the rights to his song, “Everlong.”  [Read:  Go fuck yourselves]  Grohl feels that musicians shouldn’t feel pressured to bow down to Glee’s awesomeness and beg to give them any song out of their catalogue the studio wants.  Check this:

“It’s every band’s right, you shouldn’t have to do fucking Glee,” Grohl, 42, told The Hollywood Reporter. “Dude, maybe not everyone loves Glee. Me included. I watched 10 minutes and it wasn’t my thing. “

Translation:  Fuck you, Ryan Murphy, creator of Glee.  Your shit absolutely DOES stink.  Not only that, but we can see what you ate for lunch.

“Someone’s not eating enough roughage.”

But, I suppose Dave Grohl’s story isn’t indicative of the norm.  Well, that would be true if Slash and Kings of Leon didn’t do the same damn thing and FLAT OUT REFUSED to let their music be a part of that bile gargling sing-com.  I can only hope this becomes some sort of movement within the music industry that has musicians actually KNOW what their songs are being used for when they accept a fat check. Just say NO, Alice in Chains.  JUST SAY NO!

Do these fuckers look like they WANT to have “Check My Brain” or “Man in a Box” used to sell toilet scrubbers, let alone be butchered on Glee? Layne Staley would come back from the grave and kick EVERYONE’S ass!

The ONLY redeemable decision this holocaust of a show ever made was just chance.  Heather Morris was hired, originally, to work out the coreography for the mind numbing dance scenes.  She worked with Beyoncé and knew a thing or two about choreography.  It was her job to teach the cast of mouth breathers how to dance well enough for prime time television.  I guess she did pretty well, because they ended up hiring her to play Brittany Pierce in a recurring role. In the second season she was made a full cast member.  I wish I understood why.

·

Oh, yeah.  I see why.  Excellent job!

Sincerely,

Roode

Posted on November 14, 2011, in Entertainment, Music, Observations and aggravations, Roode Notes, Society, Television and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. okay it’s clear to many people watch Fox. Stop doing it! If it’s a television show it’s on Fox you know it’s going to be canceled or you know it sucks. I have an idea remove the channel from your television programming. Why not! You would be doing yourself and the rest of us a favor. Are you listening Fox is for losers.

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