Category Archives: Society

Ren’s Easy Christmas Present Ideas for the Poor

Ren,

The economy sucks a pair of used transvestite thongs.  Trust me, I know.  I’m a poor law school student.  Well, “poor” is a relative term.   I’m on a scholarship, my parents help me out, and I bleed my husband dry.  Fucker got to marry ME.  The least he can do is sign his pay check over to me.  HA!  Perpetuating female stereotypes is FUN!

Like this, except with my boot on his throat.

So, what can you do about Christmas presents when you can barely feed yourself or can’t afford to put a dent in your three-bottle a day whisky habit…  I mean indulgence?

I can stop anytime I want. I just don't want to. Fuck you!

You don’t want to be “that guy” during the family Christmas gift opening extravaganza.  You know, the stupid shit getting gifts while NO ONE seems to be able to find ANYTHING under the tree from you.  Normally, I advocate the getting without giving scenario.  But, it’s Christmas!  Even I can’t stand to phone it in on this one.

So, I figure there must be a shit ton of other people out there in the same boat.  In the spirit of giving, I decided to give you poor schleps some help.  These ideas have worked for me in the past…  just not well.  Who cares?  It’s the thought that counts, right?   Well, prepare to have that adage stretched to it ever-loving limits.

Re-Gift

Look, we all have gotten gifts that were on the meatier side of a shit sandwich.  “Oooooooooo!  School supplies!”  How about that box of socks from Aunt Mimi?  Don’t even get me started on that goddamn tub of Oxy Clean I got when I was 16.  Just what the fuck were you trying to imply, Uncle Merl?  Such an asshole.

A subtle sign of Uncle Merl's belief in white power?

This doesn’t even have to be stuff that you, outright, threw into the “reject” bin.  But, let’s face it, it’s going to be.  Just mix it up a bit.  Don’t give Aunt Hortense the leg wax she gave you last year.  Give that gem to Uncle Pete.  Remember that box of bath beads sitting in the closet collecting dust?  Well, hell, that’s a great gift for you 15-year-old cousin.  Kids huff bath beads these days, right?

Free stuff you got at work/school

If you travel around for work and attend various useless trade shows or subject yourself to the joy that is a vender show at a university campus, you know what I’m talking about.  These places are teeming with useless bullshit people can’t stop taking.  Little flashlights with their company logo.  Knock off Beanie Babies with their company logo.  A travel mug…  with their company logo.  The whole point of this is to plant your company in the subconscious.  What better way of doing this than using free shit no one has a need for?

I have 20 of these from University vender fairs, alone. Why the fuck do I need 20? Why do I keep taking them?

If you look hard enough, you’ll find some practical shit mixed with the fake beanie babies and mini Breathalyzers.  Who wouldn’t love to get a USB drive with almost no space?  What kind of loved one would not want a leaky travel mug with the Halliburton logo?  Take it a step beyond and mix and match.  What cousin wouldn’t be grateful with a hand sanitizer/hand lotion combo?  Come to think about it, that sends out a bunch of messages not association with the Christmas Spirit.

Except for the bacon flavored lube I got at the Sex World booth. That's all Momma's.

 Stuff from around your house

 Are you a shut-in?  Do you want to be?  Are you too poor, cheap, or lazy to actually step foot outside your house to go to conventions to get free shit?  Does the thought of another year of mall shopping for people you barely like sink you into a deep depression?  Well, good news Droopy!  There’s not need to mingle with the rabble!  Just look around you house.  Do it!  You live in a fucking sty.  You should be ashamed of yourself.  God I hate you.

Where was I?  Oh yeah, I hate you.  No!  Wait!  Oh yea.  Christmas presents.  My article about icky shut-ins is next month.  Anyhoo…  your house is a treasure trove of goodies.  It’s a time capsule filled with outdated interests and failed life goals.  Just because you failed doesn’t mean others will.  Give that pair of roller blades to little Jimmy.  That calligraphy set you never opened?  Well, wrap that sommabitch!  Remember that typewriter you use as a door stop?  Give that ancient bastard to your nephew and call it an antique.

Also makes for a good blunt object if the little fucker gives you shit about it.

 Stuff from around other people’s houses

Okay, look, I’m not advocating the act of breaking into someone’s home and stealing their shit to use for Christmas presents.  I’m merely suggesting you do it when you’re already in the house for a visit.  Let’s face it, you looked around your house for things to wrap up and dump on loved ones for Christmas, but your junk is sad.  YOU don’t even want it.  Maybe it’s not even that.  Perhaps you’re a scrappy little transient without a permanent residence.  Well, jingle balls!  That’s what friends are for!

I'm so not talking about this.

Odds are that your friends’ place is a considerable upgrade from the hovel you live in.  There’s no shame in that.  Remember, you don’t have to enjoy the finer things in life in order for you to find good Christmas gifts.  Your friends do.  Next time you drop by, bring an empty pillow case.  Come on, they won’t miss it.  That neat little cat statue would be perfect for crazy aunt Sofia.  The commemorative plate they got on their trip to Pearl Harbor?  Whammo!  Instant collectors item for the history buff in your family.  It’s Christmas.  They’ll understand.  It’s all about giving.

And beating the ever-loving shit out of anyone that stands in your way.

Wait a second there, partner.  Don’t forget to get something for that someone special, too.  There you are, thinking about others and you plum forgot all about yourself.  Awwww.  That’s so sweet.  Tis the reason for the season!  Treat yourself.  It’s alright for Santa to take a kick back every now and then.  Go on, treat yourself.  After all this Christmas shopping you deserve a little present of your own.

I've always liked Roode's laptop.

Advertisements

Amnesia Lane: Halloween Pumpkin Carving: Gateway to Mass Murder

Yeah, it’s almost December and we’re just now putting this into the AMNESIA LANE chute.  Don’t care.  READ IT!  Who wouldn’t want to read about Roode’s pumpkin carving inadequacies?

I Hate Glee. What Are You Going to Do About It?

By Roode–

If you’re a regular or semi-regular reader of mine, you’ll know that I have a profound dislike for most everything.  Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of things I like.

OK, so this pretty much encompasses all my “likes.”

Perhaps, television is both my favourite and most hated of life’s little staples.  It’s a harsh mistress; dressing up for you all pretty like one moment, then pissing all over you the next.  God knows I hate television networks.  These wonder-tards are responsible for some of the worst decisions in entertainment history.  Fuck it.  I’m talking about FOX.  FOX has been anally raping its viewership since the dawn of Married:  With Children. Let’s check the score:

  1.  Arrested DevelopmentCANCELLED
  2. Terminator- The Sarah Connor ChroniclesCANCELLED
  3. Lie to MeCANCELLED
  4. FuturamaCANCELLED
  5. Family GuyCANCELLED
  6. DollhouseCANCELLED
  7. FireflyCANCELLED

Then, there are the shows that FOX execs gave a collective, “fuck it” and greenlit baffling shit like:

  1.  Who’s Your Daddy:  Fatherless child + paternity tests + slut mother + a group of guys who couldn’t keep it in their pants + TV audience + cash reward = eventual suicide
  2. Married by America:  The viewing audience could now get involved with helping young couples fuck up their futures
  3. The Littlest  Groom:  He’s a midget!  Get it?  [It actually pained me to type “littlest”]
  4. Babes:  Fat chicks.  That’s it.  There’s nothing else.
  5. House of BugginJohn Leguizamo’s latest tragically unfunny attempt at replacing “In Living Color

Even more ball-smashingly painful are the shows FOX, not only keeps on the air, but seem to have an L. Ron Hubbard type following.  Again, let’s go to the board:

  1. American Idol:  Definition of beating a dead horse and making it sing.
  2. X Factor:  What they’re calling “American Idol,” but with Simon Cowell and Pepsi.
  3. House:  Look, he’s a cranky ass, drug addicted, pompous, douchebag doctor.  We get it.
  4. Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader:  Short answer:  No
  5. Glee:  Fucking Glee

Although I can shake my fist and send human waste to FOX for the first two lists, there is no one to blame but the American people for the last.  What the fuck is wrong with society?  “But, Roode,” some of you are no doubt saying to your monitors like I give two shits, “if you don’t like these shows, don’t watch them.”  If you’re one of the people who just said that, punch yourself in the kidneys as hard as you can.  I’ll wait.

Or, have Batman do it.

The excruciatingly painful root canal of a problem is that these entertainment equivalents to eyeball AIDS don’t just stay on TV.  They’re everywhere.  They spill over into every other aspect of life:  water cooler chat, trite morning show coverage, bullshit marketing shenanigans, and a host of other methods designed to shove this camel piss down your throat.  For fuck’s sake, you half expect the doctor to give you a rectal exam with an official “GLEE” probe.

“Collect them all!”

Glee. Fucking Glee.  Outside of “reality” shows, Glee has to be the prickliest cactus that has ever been shoved up my ass [figuratively, sickos].  It combines all the things I hate in life:  singing, high school drama bullshit, singing about high school drama bullshit, hair styles from the 80’s, poser-hipster-geekdom, a Barbara Streisand wannabe, and all the douchebaggery contained therein.

And this goofy fuckstick.

Impossibly aggravating twirling paraplegic aside, I’m completely baffled as to how in the fuck this show became the runaway success it is.  I guess it has all the ingredients of an asinine network TV show popular with the toothless public:

Unrealistically pretty high school “teenagers” + mismatched couples + painfully dubbed singing + forced and contrived gay character(s)

=

RATINGS GOLD

Alright, maybe most of that is superficial for a list of reasons why I hate this show more than a punch to the yam bag.  But, it’s a goddamn TV show.  What else do I need?  It’s television cancer!  The background music, itself, is enough to drive one into a murderous rage.

I tried to watch the show once [read:  woke up on the couch while wife was watching it].  I timed myself.  It was exactly one minute until I was filled with homicidal rage.  It’s like fingers on a chalkboard.  It’s not any ONE thing.  It’s EVERYTHING.  Individually, I’m pretty sure I could stomach each vomit inducing annoyance for an hour-long show.  I hate singing in a television show, but I managed to put up with episodes of The Simpsons that shoe-horned musical sketches into the show.  High school drama on TV makes me want to set fire to an orphanage, but I was able to sit through Veronica Mars.

Kristen Bell might have had something to do with that, though.

But, all those little annoyances in concert is like being hit with a bag of oranges.  It’s a constant left-hook, right-hook combination.  It’s one of the few situations when running headlong into a wall is the better of two evils.  Take the hits too long and you’ll end up like Sylvester Stallone in Rocky V.  No, not the Rocky character.  I really mean Sylvester Stallone.

Poor bastard couldn’t tie his own shoes with help from Mr. T.

Glee has become oh so fashionable!  Why, everyone who’s ANYONE wants to have their songs shit on, ham-fisted into a “plot” then have the very essence changed to discuss the problems of kids in wheelchairs not being able to get enough blond poontang.

Look, I just really fucking hate this kid.

Ah, that’s what FOX wants you to think.  Every now and then an artist is able to withstand the evil and money to protect his work from being shat out the prime time sphincter.  Who?  Who dared defy the FOX gods and deny them their power and inefficient hybrids?

Dave MOTHER FUCKING Grohl!

Back in March of 2011, Dave declined to give the rights to his song, “Everlong.”  [Read:  Go fuck yourselves]  Grohl feels that musicians shouldn’t feel pressured to bow down to Glee’s awesomeness and beg to give them any song out of their catalogue the studio wants.  Check this:

“It’s every band’s right, you shouldn’t have to do fucking Glee,” Grohl, 42, told The Hollywood Reporter. “Dude, maybe not everyone loves Glee. Me included. I watched 10 minutes and it wasn’t my thing. “

Translation:  Fuck you, Ryan Murphy, creator of Glee.  Your shit absolutely DOES stink.  Not only that, but we can see what you ate for lunch.

“Someone’s not eating enough roughage.”

But, I suppose Dave Grohl’s story isn’t indicative of the norm.  Well, that would be true if Slash and Kings of Leon didn’t do the same damn thing and FLAT OUT REFUSED to let their music be a part of that bile gargling sing-com.  I can only hope this becomes some sort of movement within the music industry that has musicians actually KNOW what their songs are being used for when they accept a fat check. Just say NO, Alice in Chains.  JUST SAY NO!

Do these fuckers look like they WANT to have “Check My Brain” or “Man in a Box” used to sell toilet scrubbers, let alone be butchered on Glee? Layne Staley would come back from the grave and kick EVERYONE’S ass!

The ONLY redeemable decision this holocaust of a show ever made was just chance.  Heather Morris was hired, originally, to work out the coreography for the mind numbing dance scenes.  She worked with Beyoncé and knew a thing or two about choreography.  It was her job to teach the cast of mouth breathers how to dance well enough for prime time television.  I guess she did pretty well, because they ended up hiring her to play Brittany Pierce in a recurring role. In the second season she was made a full cast member.  I wish I understood why.

·

Oh, yeah.  I see why.  Excellent job!

Sincerely,

Roode

Rock Meets Window. My Foot Meets Ass

By, Tresckow-

For decades, hell, for centuries adults have uttered the same phrase over and over again.  For the Greeks it was Εκείνοι δεκάρα παιδιά κάθαρμα! For the Vikings it went a little like Þeir sem fjandinn börn fantur! The Germans, the planet’s nation of Hallmark card poets gutturally spitting out their words use the phrase  Jene verdammten Bastardkinder! We English speakers just say:  Those damn bastard kids!


I hated it when “old” people told me to do shit.  “Don’t run.”  “Don’t play in the street.”  “Don’t smash a land line telephone junction box.”  And my favorite, “Don’t gouge obscene messages on someone’s car,” even though you assumed it was a gesture of trust and understanding.

A lesson the Mooninites did not learn, much to Carl’s dismay.

But, then I grew older.  I’ve matured.  More or less.  OK, I still think it’s hilarious when I shove someone’s [read:  Ren] camera into a mini bar fridge and lock it.  I still giggle like a 5-year-old when I watch Adult Swim.  And, as you read this, my latest mission in life is to see a movie about a supernatural, mass murdering tire.

A complete and utter conspiracy that this  movie wasn’t even nominated for that piece of shit farce that is the Academy Awards.  It’s because Robert the Tire is black, isn’t it?  Fucking racists.

One of the reasons Robert went on his bloody, head exploding rampage.

But, I am fully aware that in the eyes of the US federal government that I’m an adult.  I’ve got a mortgage, car payment, gym membership, and all that good shit grown ups have to shell out money for in order to sit comfortably with society.  Hell, even if you wanted to start your own militia in the middle of Montana somewhere you would still have to cover your initial expenses.  You work hard to set up a state-of-the-art security fence with sensor flood lights and barbwire.  That bunker isn’t going to dig itself.  Next thing you know, some jackass is going to charge you $50 a gallon to haul all the necessary armor and collapsible guard towers to your Bartertown that will surely be a feature story on CNN one day (if you play it right).

Look, Master Blasters arent cheap.

Apartment or estate, condo or compound in the middle of Idaho; there is one common denominator.  Everyone is protective over what they have.  Stuff breaks.  Sometimes it’s shit that can wait a few years until it REALLY has to be fixed or replaced (screen doors, toilet seats, starter motor).  Other times it’s shit that needs to be repaired ASAP.  We’ve worked hard on our hovels and already have two strikes against us.  With all the snow storms, heat waves, floods, and Yeti attacks, the last thing any of us needs is to have some snot nosed little bastard breaking our shit, because he’s bored.

Bored? I will personally drive your ass to the Virginia Military Institute for four years of hilarity.

One fine morning in the Tresckow home (read:  way too fucking early) I was woken up out of my normal drunken stupor after a night of mixing whiskey and vanilla extract. Apparently, our kitchen window was broken.  OK.  Fine.  I’ll do something Roode never does and take a deep breath.  I won’t jump to the worst conclusion.  There was one hell of a windstorm the night before.  Shit was flying everywhere.

Something like this, only not as subtle.

It was completely reasonable that the wind from hell slammed something into our window just so Mother Nature could have a good laugh.  Suck a dick, Mother Nature.  I had hope that was the case and I wouldn’t have to start hating so early in the morning.  I mean, if I start hating before 10 AM I get burned out by 3.  It throws me off kilter.  But, I should have known better.

It was, definitely, a Captain Picard facepalm moment.

I went outside to find the branch or squirrel, or whatever that the wind sent smashing into our window.  My plan was to set it on fire and damn it to hell.  Sifting around through the rubble of broken glass and morning sleep, I saw it there.  Staring at me.  Mocking me.  It was a big ass rock.  Not just any rock.  It was a throw’in rock.

Let me clue you in on some of the mouth-breathing fucktarded children that roam around the neighborhood.  They do not deserve to exist.  They walk in the middle of the street, laugh at on-coming cars (surely 2 tons of SUV can’t hurt them), and break shit when they’re bored.  You know those big boxes Verizon uses to carry land phone lines and the internet?  Those shit grinning dicks demolish them on a weekly basis.  Writing racial epithets on the side of someone’s house?  We’ve got that too.  Throwing rocks through car windows?  We fucking have that!  In fact, the first week we moved into this little paradise, one of those snot flinging dipshits broke the rear window of our truck.  And, before you smartasses say something about my winning personality being a magnet for rocks, keep in mind that we were in the house for less than THREE DAYS when this happened.  Trust me, three days isn’t enough time for the Inner Tresckow to shine. Mother f’in Theresa could have just moved in.  Those shit stains didn’t know either way.

WELCOME TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD!

I know what you’re thinking.  No, I don’t live in downtown Beirut or somewhere along the Gaza Strip.  It’s your average neighborhood filled with a mixture of hard-working people, retirees, assclowns, and bored groups of free-range children.  These ape shits wander around the neighborhood like it’s their job.  Their parents don’t seem to give a shit.  Ma and Pa are nowhere to be found when little Jimmy is taking a nap in the middle of the street or when Leroy is playing a rousing game of “dump the trash cans.”  Nice parental guidance, cornholes.  Prepare for the day when the only time you get to talk to your delinquent is through a sheet of plexiglass while he’s sporting an orange jumper.

So proud.

The rock still sit there.  I’m not sure why.  Maybe as a reminder that the next generation is full of assholes.  Maybe I’ll use it as a weapon.  It’s quite possible that I’m too lazy to pick it up.  If I knew how Voo Doo worked, I’d stick it with pins or something on the off-chance the jackass who threw it end up in blinding, mind crippling pain.

It’s not just the damage to the window that put chocolate pudding in my trousers.  It’s the fact that I had to call all God’s creation to report it.  I’m not paying for this shit.  You have to call your homeowner’s association, insurance company, the police…   Oh, yeah.  The police.  Maybe, if they applied themselves and really worked hard, they could give even less of a shit.  Here’s a hint that the police have no interest in your little vandalism problem:  they take your report over the phone.  You don’t know what the hell is really happening on the other end.  For all I know, the desk jockey was washing his taint while occasionally saying, “Uh-huh.”

“Sir, can you tell me at approximately what point in time you thought we’d give a shit?”

I, suppose, the lesson I learned is that today’s kids can roam free and do whatever they want without any consequences.  And, I’m still not allowed to shoot them.  How is this fair?

FWTC Amnesia Lane: A Girl, Her Whisky, and an Irish Holiday

Lest we forget:

FWTC Amnesia Lane:  A Girl, Her Whisky, and an Irish Holiday

P.S.  We are obliged to publish Ren’s emergency article in case we don’t see her again after this year’s Saint Patrick Day’s shenanigans.

Your Bullshit “Duckface” Demeans Us All

By, Ren-

There is a plague running rampant across the globe.  I’m not just talking about being a lazy fat ass.  That shit is never going to end until McDonald’s starts selling value meals for $20 each.  I’m talking the epidemic that has struck tens of thousands of young girls.

Both the most popular and most hated facial expression on the Internet.

Look, I know; I’m not the first person to bring this dipshit trend up.  It’s been happening for years and, at best, I’m really late to the party.  For all intents and purposes everything there is to say about this crotch-rotting phenomenon has already been said.  Shit, there are entire wiki articles about it and anti-duckface pages out there.  The last thing you want is to read another dumbass Internet “comedy” writer crack wise on this tired subject.  Well, I understand that.  I guess there’s really only one thing I can say, then.

I figure that I’m one of the few writers who’s actually a chick in the right age range to tackle this subject.  If I’m not, I don’t give a shit.  Don’t ruin my fun ya nub!

I don’t, exactly, know when duckface came into vogue.  I just know it started hitting Facebook like a drunk Irishman knocking around his wife.  Shit, sorry.  Was that offensive?  Did I go too far?  I do apologize.  Using the words “drunk” and “Irishman” is redundant.  My bad.

I'm Irish. I have a blank check for bad taste Irish jokes.

Most Internet duckface-ologists agree that this affliction originated with Ben Stiller in the film Zoolander.  Thanks, fucker.  I was going to let your horrible career slide on account of Tropic Thunder, but forget it.  I now, officially, hate you more than AIDS.

The Ben Still Show sucked too.

I get it.  What girl doesn’t want to look all hot and shit in a pic?  Other than me.  I mean there are more pics of me in sweats or looking like a closet threw up on me out there than I care to admit.  But, Momma’s hot no matter how she’s dressed or what state of inebriation she’s in.  The key is to NOT try too hard.  Posing can add a certain nuance to your image.  Duckface is not posing.  It’s the first sign of a stroke.  You look fucking retarded.  Who the fuck decided that this was a “hot” look?  I want to know!  I want to meet this sack of afterbirth and punch him/her in the throat.

There is quite a difference between looking sexy and looking like you’re experiencing the early onsets of a conniption.  Here’s an example.  See if you can tell the difference.

Example 1

A hot little Irish number in her mid 20’s.  Captivating eyes, pouty lips, and a tremendous camera presence.  May or may not be a relation of mine.

Example 2

Completely fucktarded.

Did you catch the difference?  If you did, pat yourself on the back and buy a bottle of whisky.  If you didn’t, I hate you.  There is no reason duckface needs to exist.  NONE!  It’s breaking the original age barrier and hitting 30 and 40 year olds.  Why?  If this looks banana cake ridiculous for a teenager what do you think it’s going to do for a cougar?  It’s going to make you look constipated.  There you’ll be, duckface enforce, under the delusion that you’re looking hot.  In reality, everyone in your family for generations to come will automatically think you were fighting a severe bout of the brick shits.

There's a reason this doesn't fucking exist!

There is a difference in pursing your lips and duckface.  Once again, let’s do a little test.  Can you spot the difference?

Example 1

Kissyface.  Seductive, sexy, makes you tingle in all the right places.  May or may not be a best friend/fuck buddy of mine.  Does it matter?  That’s not the point!

Example 2

Needs more fiber and to stop eating cheese.  Someone get this bitch a case of Ex-lax, STAT!

Maybe we can be optimistic and believe that the end is near for this goofy ass Internet STD.  Perhaps, duckface will fade away.  On the other hand, what could possibly take its place?  There’s always something worse around the corner.  If duckface does go by the wayside, then it will probably be because another swing bag of an Internet pic trend pushes it out-of-the-way.  What in the hell could be worse?

The Popeye? 

 

The Dizzy Gillespie?

The Sloth?

Or is it something so hideous our minds couldn’t possibly comprehend it?  OK, I can’t end on this note.  I need a palate cleanser.

 

Ahhh. Danica Patrick. All is right with the world, again.

2010: The Year of the Ren

By, Ren-

That’s right.  Read that title over again.  Again.  One more time.  Got it, now?  I fucking rule.  Of course, this is no surprise to you readers.  How many other little blonde Micks can mock international law, escape molestation by a clown on Saint Patrick’s Day, and manage to rub elbows (among other body parts) at a Playboy Mansion Halloween extravaganza?  None.  You know none.  Don’t even try to pretend you do.  You’re just embarrassing us all.

You know who you are.

2010 will be known for a lot of things:  um, something about whales, maybe?  There was a lot of bullshit surrounding the IPhone.  Then, again, 2010 was the year when people, the world over, were smacked in the taint by the roughest recession since the years of Warner Brothers cartoons in movie theaters and cars were built to last.  Come to think of it, 2010 sucked a major amount of yak ass.  Companies downsized, business went broke, government lost its mind, and that Justin Bieber fucker was everywhere.  2010 was such a shitshake, even my own Da pined for the “good old days” of the Cold War.

Say what you want about it. The world was a lot more stable, food and fuel a shit ton cheaper, and if worse came to worse, mankind would go out in a fiery vengeance of style.

There is one shining part of 2010 that must be remembered and recorded for the sake of future history.  We don’t want our future history only talking about gun fights at Florida school board meetings or devoting an entire chapter in a text book to the cluster fuck that is BP.  There was one brightly burning light that 2010 emitted during its waning hours filled with party goers blowing chow then trying to get into the pants of someone who just might end up being a distant cousin.  What was this shining beacon of hope?  Where was it?  What did it mean?  Calm the fuck down.  I’ll tell you.

It was ME.  That’s right world, ME.  I joined FWTC in 2009.  I did what I had to do to get on the ground floor of something that will never make a dime or win any journalism awards.  That kind of shit is gold!  After the arguing, death threats, and constant hazing I clawed my way to the top!  I made it to “COLUMNIST.  There’s no pay, no perks, and little in the way of publicity.  But, Momma was determined to break the racial barrier and shoe horn a nutty little blonde Irish chick into the ranks of FWTC.  Roode and Tresckow bitched and moaned about it.  Roode didn’t want more chick shit on the site, being that Adel had that covered.  Tresckow was convinced I would use the site as a soapbox to spread my anti-loyalist beliefs to the masses. (if hating Loyalists in Northern Ireland is wrong, I don’t want to be right).  The point I heard time and time again was, “You’re not a writer.  There’s a difference between doing funny things and WRITING about them.”  Fuckers didn’t believe I could translate my drunken comedy of errors into an article.  What BULLSHIT!

After a bit of whining and the occasional exercise I like to call, “Total War” (steel Roode’s tires, sign Tresckow up for a fuck ton of large and lovely women catalogs to be sent to his home, and harassing Adel every day by rearranging her furniture in innovative and surprising ways) they finally threw me a “guest writer” gig.  It got a good amount of hits and FWTC decided to keep me on.  Like I was some sort of lost fucking puppy.  Like adding The REN would have done anything but make this piece of  shit, dime-a-dozen blog rocket to the stars!

That's right. That's me, the brightest motherfucking star in the galaxy.

I had a bit of a handicap going for me; the other writers having a year head start and all.  Adel, Roode, and Tresckow already found their niches and some “loyal” readers.  That didn’t deter me.  I jumped right in to hammer out some flaming awesomeness in 2009.  Then, I decided that 2010 was going to be Momma’s year!

Interesting thing is that after I was two or three articles in, the site’s readership went up.  On our Facebook Page it seemed that my articles were getting passed around a lot more than the others.  What could that mean?  Am I eons funnier than the other writers?  Is it because I am witty and urbane?  Perhaps it’s because I have been elevated to FWTC‘s sex symbol?  Yes.  Yes, to all of these.  I’m fucking fantastic.  The readers know it.  Our sponsors know it.  Future history knows it.

I fucking rule!

Perhaps, the best indicator that tells us 2010 was the year of the Ren are the readership stats.  The boring side of any blog is, without a doubt, the admin side.  That’s where our geeks look at all the statistics to see which article was the most popular in any given week or month; which author was the most popular, etc.  Tresckow and Adel are the number crunchers; plowing through it to get the quarterly stats and come up with a game plan for the site’s sponsorships and whatnot.  Well, as most sites are want to do at the end of the year, we wanted to connect all the dots and see just who among us was the most “popular.”  Which one of us had the most read articles, who stayed on top the longest, blah blah blah.  I have no interest in calculations.  I’d rather drink the better part of a bottle of Shanahans and wake up with a stripper (a HOT stripper, please).  I’m the sort of girl who just wants to hear the end result.

For the love of God, Tresckow! Just tell me what the fuck all the math means!

I tuned out just about everything Tresckow’s said about growing our sponsorship base, advertising, topic and writer expansion…  JUST GET TO THE FUCKING END!  Flipping to the next slide, a table was shown listing all our articles, writers, and topics in order of popularity and readership.  I looked up, expecting Roode to start tap dancing; fucker always thinks he’s the one who puts butts in the seats.  All I heard was, “Are you fucking kidding me?” bellowing from Roode’s mouth like the words were on fire.  The top author of EVERY quarter of 2010 AND the number 1 author for the entire year was

ME MOTHERFUCKERS!

I’m shocked! Speechless! I didn’t prepare any remarks.

I wasn’t ahead by a small amount either.  No, baby, Momma holds a 60% lead over everyone else.  ME!  Fuck you, Roode!  I’m putting butts in the seats now!  Always bet on the tiny Irish dark horse.  ALWAYS!  She’ll ruin your shit every time.  EVERY TIME!

So, what will 2011 bring for the NUMBER 1 writer on FWTC?  I’m not sure.  Maybe a series of video blogs instructing the viewer on the proper ways of peeling a potato.  Or a pod cast where I can dispense my worldly wisdom of the most efficient and orgasm-tastic sexual positions.  Oh, yeah.  Bacon.  Bacon must be a steady theme throughout 2011.  Shit, maybe I’ll contract with cable and launch my own reality show.  Well, “surreality” show”

 

Momma ROCKS so hard it whips a bull's ass!

 

A Very Roode Christmas Letter

By, Roode-

Dear friends,

First off, let me tell you how happy I am that the end of this godforsaken year is in sight.  I am sure I can speak for my wife when I say 2010 has been ten pounds of shit in a five-pound bag.  Of course, I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know.  I have no doubt that many of you were slapped in the face with the used toilet paper of life.  Somehow, that makes me just a bit happier.  Not that misery loves company (not JUST that), but because I generally wish ill upon mankind.  Hey, the ill will has to start somewhere.  Why not with people I know?

Before I go on, let me just say that I apologize for sending a form letter.  Everybody that writes one of these year-end Christmas letters says that.  I mean it.  I didn’t want to write a letter at all.  I, personally, don’t want you people in my shit.  The only thing I care less about than your life is telling people about mine.  While I’m apologizing, I might as well say that some of  these letters are printed on the back of some old STD informational forms and flyers from World War II I found in a dumpster.  I don’t have the money to spend on neat, clean sheets of paper.  We’re not all made of money.  I think you’ll find the ominous VD exam posters particularly festive.

I don't know. Draw a Santa hat on him and hang it on the wall.

I suppose this is the point where I have to offer updates on my family and such.  In order to avoid typing more than I have to, I’ve put it all in bullet point form.

  • I was laid off by my employer
  • My previous place of employment burned to the ground
  • I was arrested for suspicion of arson
  • I, recently, ran for public office- running on the “pistol whip your child” platform
  • I was beaten soundly by my political opponent
  • My political opponent’s home burned to the ground
  • I was arrested for suspicion of arson
  • I applied for several jobs in the area, but nothing panned out
  • Several places of business in the area burned to the ground
  • I was arrested for suspicion of arson
  • I’m working on becoming an alcoholic
  • Tried to join the fire department, but didn’t make the cut
  • Ironically, the local fire department burned to the ground
  • I was arrested for suspicion of arson
  • I joined the police force.
  • The local police station is standing and fire free
  • We got a cat

Above: Solution to life's problems.

The only good thing about 2010 is that it was full of valuable life lessons for me.  For instance, did you know that most convenience stores hand out free packs of matches?  They’re great for a multitude of things; lighting candles, making campfires, and burning evidence.

Another important tidbit of knowledge I gathered is how to properly make a Molotov cocktail.  It’s easier than you think.  It’s amazing what you can do with packing peanuts and the proper mixture of kerosene and tar.

Perhaps, the most amazing thing that has happened in 2010 is the fact that I’m still married.  Aside from the wife’s annoying tendency to be a perfect human being, she has been very supportive of my struggles this year.  She has also been quite useful for the occasional alibi and no longer bothers asking questions when I come home covered in soot.  Although, the internalizing of all that stress could, conceivably, manifest itself into some sort of brain tumor down the road.  I guess we’ll find out.

I can't help but feel partly to blame for your crippling migraines. On the plus side, you're still smoking hot.

This year has been the Road Runner to my Wile E. Coyote.  And that fucking Acme mail order company keeps screwing me over.  But, ultimately, I am to blame.  I keep ordering their defective and fucktarded products thinking that “THIS TIME” I’ll finally get that feathered road running fuck.

Things usually start well enough.

But, I always end up falling off that fucking cliff.

In closing, I am happy to see the shit storm that was 2010 go.  I’ve decided to skip Christmas and go straight for the bottle of Night Train.  Well, bottles of Night Train.  My ultimate goal is to not regain consciousness until late Spring.

Might as well invite a few of his friends, too.

Sincerely,
Roode

Purchase your items at Amazon through FWTC. We'll know if you didn't.

FWTC Amnesia Lane : Facebook: The Slum Lords of Social Media

It seems like only yesterday we flat-out refused to let Ren write for us.  Now, we don’t have a choice.

Amnesia Lane→  Facebook:  The Slum Lords of Social Media

September 3, 2009

Is It Wrong to Add Fun to Voting?

By Ren

I take voting very seriously.  I believe it’s every American’s civic duty to decide who their elected officials are.  OK, would you believe it’s everyone’s civic duty to stand inside a curtained booth and push buttons?

It’s when she sees his pants fall to his ankles she starts to worry.

I have no delusions about the voting process.  Too much bullshit exists to trust the system completely.  Poll workers make mistakes, voting officials “misplace” ballot boxes, and a fruit salad of other shit falls to pieces.

My preferred kind of “pole worker.”

But, my Da taught me to embrace my God-given rights (or the illusion) and vote my ass off.  Sure, when he first got to this country and became a citizen, he was a little confused by the “Green Party.”

No, Da. Not this sort of green.

Northern Irish nationalism aside, I come a voting family.  I was born and raised in Idaho (insert potato eating Mick joke here).  There are about six people in that state and none of the elections are exactly thrilling.  The rest of the country and the Electoral College doesn’t give a goat’s shit about Idaho’s votes.  Now, I live in Montana, a state with four people living in it.  The races are a little more hectic and up in the air.  Usually.  This was a midterm election.  Some states vote for a shit ton of elected officials during a midterm.  Some don’t.  There were states in the Union that, flat-out, didn’t have any elections.  The sadder states had one.  Guess which state Montana was?

Just jammed packed full of awesomeness.

That’s right, there was one office up for grabs and two people running for it.  And by “two people” I really mean one guy that didn’t have a prayer in Protestant hell of winning…  and the other one.  The kick i the ovaries was that the majority of universities were closed for the big election.  Think about it.  Every single college institution closed their offices and suspended classes so the staff, administration, and students could race to the polls and push the button for the dude who was going to win or the poor bastard that already lost.  That’s time well spent!

I like my elections the way I like my riots:  mobbed, confusing, and violent.  Call me a sentimental little girl, but a tear comes to my eye when a bar fight breaks out during a presidential primary.  Someone cares enough about the election to smash a beer bottle over another dipthong’s head.  That’s patriotism!

As opposed to the Irish who rage a bar fight, because it’s Tuesday.

I want excitement, damn it!  Momma wants to have fun while casting her constitutionally guaranteed, if not  somewhat useless, vote.  Voting doesn’t have to be a chore!  It can be a big bowl of OK. So, I went to my designated voting place determined to make the most of this wonderful event.  Democracy, baby!  It tastes delicious!

Or later. Whenever you have the time.

It was fucking cold.  We don’t get fall ’round these parts.  It goes straight from 90 degrees to Ice Age.  The line extended out the door and down the sidewalk a bit.  I thought, maybe, I could promote voter bonding by lighting a fire to huddle around.  No.  Apparently, even suggesting that will get your ass carted off to jail.  Fine.  Fuck you.  Am I the only one who cares?

The dude was all pissy and shit.

A round of beer pong was out; no one had a table or cups, for that matter.  I thought a round of shots would relax my fellow patriots.  When the hell did it become illegal to offer alcohol to strangers in public?  Fucking seriously?  That cop hanging around the entrance was a serious buzz kill.

As I got closer to the entrance, I realized I was hungry.  I sure as hell couldn’t do my duty (doody) as a citizen on an empty stomach.  So, I broke out the hotcakes meal I got from McDonald’s.  Momma loves her pancakes.  The bitch of it was that it’s really hard to hold that little tray of pancakes, use your fork, and sneak a sip from your bible flask at the same time.

Don’t fucking judge me!

Wouldn’t you know it, as soon as I mastered the art of two-handed sidewalk breakfast and whisky drinking, it was my turn.  I put my shit on the table surrounded by blue hairs.  I don’t know if it’s a requirement on the state or federal level, but I think every poll worker has to be 70 and above.  The old bag I talked to got bent out of shape when I handed her my driver’s license covered in pancake syrup.

Above: Not the best choice for a meal while voting.

I don’t know how they do this voting booth thing in other states, but the booth you go to is a big fucking deal.  The one next to me was free.  But, nooooooo.  I had to wait in ANOTHER line to get to the assigned one.  Here’s another thing I’ve learned:  most people don’t take kindly to you asking who they’re going to vote for.  In fact, making a guess then shouting it out so everyone can hear is frowned upon too.  Everyone was such a friggin grump.

Finally, I was permitted to step inside the little curtained peep show-esq booth.  Before a voter goes in, for some reason, they have to announce your name.  Well, I thought the least I could do was give some sort of acceptance speech.  I thanked my parents, my brother, alcohol, bacon…   you know, it doesn’t matter.  I didn’t get to finish.  Fucking geriatric fascist cut me off and made me go in.

Except for that little area around my voting booth.

There I was, about to unload a pile of democracy on the nation.  But, I had to finish my pancakes first.  I don’t like to rush, so I took my time.  Cripes, take more than ten minutes in a voting booth and everyone gets bent out of shape.  I didn’t know what to do with my trash, so I tossed it over the curtain.  I carefully reviewed the race and the two people running for it.  This was a big deal.  Whoever I chose would have the potential to be a success, like that Chocolate Rain guy, or a failure, like Brett Micheals.

Sad and just plain unhygienic.

I couldn’t make up my mind.   I pressed both buttons, but the machine-made some sort of disapproving noise at me.  I tried to select a blank button, but again, disapproving noise.  At this time, Jessica Tandy who was monitoring the booth outside, was giving me shit for goofing around.

Shut the fuck up and drink another bottle of Ensure, bitch.

I was at an impasse, so I did what any other red-blooded American would in such a situation.  I flipped a coin.  Well, sort of.  Instead of a coin, it was my cold cup of coffee and instead of heads or tails it was “if I managed to hit the old bitty giving me shit.”  The decision was made for me and I pressed the button.  There!  I have carried out my obligation to the nation.  I’m awesome!

I learned a few very valuable lessons.  Voting is serious business.  People get all touchy when you talk about making a campfire outside an elementary school, and pancakes aren’t the best breakfast to eat while waiting for your turn to vote.

I am definitely going the bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit route in 2012.