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Amnesia Lane: Halloween Pumpkin Carving: Gateway to Mass Murder

Yeah, it’s almost December and we’re just now putting this into the AMNESIA LANE chute.  Don’t care.  READ IT!  Who wouldn’t want to read about Roode’s pumpkin carving inadequacies?

My Brother is Dead To Me (Dumbass Married Ren)

By Roode-

Let me start this off by telling you that I HAD two brothers.  I am the middle child and, therefore, the most well-adjusted.  My older brother, Greg, is an uptight douche bag with a uber responsible job, a family and a dog.  Or, is it a dog and a family.  I’m not sure how that goes.  We’re from Alberta, so a dog ranks a little higher than a spouse and children.  It’s a law, actually.

There is NO WAY this thing will protect your home or retrieve a downed pheasant.

My younger brother and the weakest of the herd, Gene, has a section in his brain where all the surviving brain cells hid from the alcohol and pot holocaust waged through his grey matter for four straight years at the University of Calgary.  A bunker if you will.

Sure, he has the demigod-esq genes all we Roodes have been blessed with; physique of granite, extreme sexual prowess- unmatched by mere mortals, and well, let’s just say our junk has been studied by the finest sexologists for generations.  To this day, it is unexplained how the Roode men have achieved the perfect combination of girth and length..  never mind, it would take too long to explain and require a lot of charts to do it correctly.

The Censors made us block the signature Roode phallus, hence the need for an extra large censor box.

All that aside, Gene, has never been a bright man.  At least when it came to women.  Like all Roodes, he would control the situation with his Zeus-esq presence and Captain James T. Kirk-like knack for seducing women without really trying.

No worries, ladies. The uncontrollable need to get naked for me is natural.

When it came to female mind games, he didn’t fare so well.  Using their voodoo magic, the girls would infiltrate his mind and rummage through it like a box of second-hand clothes at a flea market.  He would do shit like listen to their stories, open doors for them, surprise them with roses…   FOR NO REASON!  I mean, come on!  Roses don’t make an appearance until after you’ve accidentally set fire to her car.

Probably should pop for the full dozen after this.

Then he meets Ren.  I’ve made it a point to avoid her like the  blonde banana sandwich crazy Irish nutjob plague.  This is especially true when there’s family around.  She’s like a virus.  Sure, at first she’s harmless enough; being all cute and hot and funny.  Then, next thing you know she’s hanging from your gutters wearing a bicycle helmet screaming the lyrics to Rollins Band‘s “Liar.”

Yet, somehow her version is a lot more disturbing.

I was too late to prevent Gene’s lethal dose of Ren radiation.  I can only liken it to the Chernobyl disaster, except instead of a reactor meltdown, it’s a batshit crazy blonde’s goofy ass radiation poisoning.  There is no known defense against this.  Lead, concrete, the English, none of them can protect you from the damaging radiation particles of the little elf.  Even a small dosage is life threatening.  The longer you’re exposed the more lethal the dose.  Instead of skin lesions, internal organ liquefaction, and constantly shitting yourself you are hit with blind devotion, catering to her every need, and..  constantly shitting yourself.

Most scientists agree that, one shouldn't date radioactive material, no matter how sexy she is.

Ignoring ever primitive instinct for survival, my brother came down with a mortal dose of Ren sickness.  He was beyond the point of no return.  He was a goner.  The patient exhibited symptoms such as:  calling her every night, taking her out for dinner, a shit-eating grin and thousand yard stare every time some one mentioned Ren’s name.  He was dying before my very eyes!

What is this holding hands bullshit?

It’s one thing if Gene wanted to kill himself with drunken Mick poison.  It’s another thing to expose your entire family to it.  It’s pretty much a Typhoid Mary scenario.  Why keep the disease to yourself when you can share it with EVERYONE?  If we use the radiation poisoning example from above, it’s like bringing a white-hot piece of reactor core to a family reunion, then using it to hold the napkins down.  Fuck man, might as well just killed our family outright.

Even Capone had the decency to line his enemies up and shoot them. He didn't torture them to death with a little blonde nightmare.

Then, as the little Irish psychopath mentions here, they went to Las Vegas and got hitched.  That’s like just letting the icy waters of the Bearing Sea suck you in.  No resistance.  No will to go on.  Nope, just one big, “fuck it” before you drown and end up passing through some fish’s colon.

OK, fine.  He married this midget on crack.  He wants to flush you life down the crapper, feel free.  So he’s shown a complete disregard for our family by bringing that blonde pile of crazy home. Great.  So now she is officially and lawfully related to me.  What the fuck ever.  I’ve been married for over a decade.  I’m already dead inside.

In the end, I’ll have the last laugh.  His carefree days are over.  He’s done.  Remember when  you were confident, Gene?  Your smug ass self- assuredness and wonder-machismo is coming to an end.  Want to hear why?

Get ready for a bitch of a storm, asshat.

Congratulations!  You are married to a hottie!  Does that sound like a compliment?  It’s not thumper-dumper.  That whole glow of happiness and pride will eventually give way to a constant storm of paranoia.  It’s not easy being married to some fine eye candy.  Trust me, brother, I know.  My wife is smoking hot.  Gorgeous!  Humpalicious!

Not to be confused with the Humpty Dance.

It’s pretty easy to see the upside of being married to a sexy woman:  class reunion envy, getting out of speeding tickets, and never having to wait in line.  But, no one talks about the downside.  The tragic, soul-crushing downside.  Since I am the best big brother in known history, I’ll hip you to a few “unadvertised” side effects of being married to a top shelf honey.  Get a pad of paper and a pen.  You’ll want to take some notes.

DANGER!

1.  Next to her, you will ALWAYS look like a retarded ogre.  

I’m not talking Shrek, either.  That green sonnabitch doesn’t count.  That’s just Disney bullshit. This is more like the dude from Mask.

Bingo.

No matter what you do, what duds you don, or how buff you get your hot wife will forever outshine you.  Don’t think this is a problem?  Wait until you fade away from the visual spectrum of everyone on the planet.  It’s only a matter of time before you’re mistaken for the help.

"I'm the husband, for fuck's sake! Stop handing me luggage!"

2.  You will have to play goalie in public

What’s that mean?  Think about it; stunning sexy wife and a husband with a permanent look of “what the fuck?” on his face.  Every sweaty ball sack with a case of wood will surround your wife like jackals in the wild.

"So, uh, can we buy you a drink?"

Hormone filled college frat boys will endlessly eye-hump your wife.  Every now and again, one will try to be smooth and hit on her when you’re taking a piss or shaking down a midget for some cash.  “Wedding ring?  Come on, baby.  It’s the new millennium.  I’ve seen some Grey’s Anatomy.  I know how it goes down.”

Fuck you, Grey's Anatomy! Fuck you so hard!

This is when you pick up the stick and start blocking slap shot after slap shot of douchbaggery.  Eye-humping?  That’s a check, motherfucker.  Smiling at her?  That’s a stick to the gut.  Get handsy with her and that’s an all out fucking throw down on the ice!

I play for keeps, shit stick.

*Note:  Don’t send me emails telling me this is a trust issue.  “If I could trust my wife not to bend over in the men’s room this wouldn’t be a problem.”  Eat a dick.  This has nothing to do with trust.  I trust my wife implicitly.  I’m still not going to leave her in a sea of sperminators while I take a jaunty stroll.

3.  Paranoia:  Fearing that she may, one day, realise she’s way out of your league

Those of us married to hot looking dames know that we’re hanging on by a thread.  One day, your beautiful bride will realise that a fine piece of ass, like her, and a Mongoloid that can barely work a touch-tone doesn’t work on paper.  Maybe it’s because you have a tendency to get rip-roaring drunk and punch your waiter in the throat?  Possibly, it’s due to you coming home with one shoe and half your head shaved…  again.  It may even be the constant explanations she needs to give to her friends for any of the stupid shit you do.  It’s all going to contribute to her moment of clarity.

"Wait a minute, I'm hot! What am I doing with Rain Man?"

How do you hold onto a woman like that?  What can a man do to prevent his fine mama from putting two and two together and posing for Playboy (oops, too late for Gene) and upgrading to George Clooney-grade leading men?

Lots and lots of this shit. Although, Ren has an inhuman tolerance for alcohol. Might want to invest in some opiates.

PS:  I, Roode, fully acknowledge that all the Roode men have married up.  There!  Are you happy now?

*Disclaimer:  FWTC does not advocate the drugging and/or stringing out your hot ass wife to prevent her from seeing your glaring stupidity and James Carville looks.  But, do what you want.  We don’t give a shit, you sick fuck.

Gary Coleman, We Hardly Knew Ye

By, Roode

Son-of-a-bitch!  Another celebrity favorite of mine bit the dust.  Gary Coleman was my personal Jesus.  OK, he wasn’t.  Still, I liked the dude.  There’s something about a guy that can play a 10 year old at the tender age of 25.  But, shit, he was more than Arnold Jackson, damn it!  I think.  I don’t know.  Fuck it.

Yes, I know he died last week and I'm just now writing about it. Piss off, I've been busy.

Just imagine being stuck at 4 foot nothing forever.  Sucks doesn’t it?  Damn right it does.  Poor bastard couldn’t get a break.  Not only was he type-cast as “perma-kid” he had to work with Conrad Bain.  This guy has been 70 for over 40 years.

I didn't even know he was still alive until I did a half assed internet search.

Stupid cracka, thinking he can solve the problems of the black man by adopting Arnold and Willis.  I guess I have to step back for a second.  Bain is from Lethbridge, AlbertaAlberta is pretty much the Norman Rockwell painting of good old fashioned whiteness.  I should know.  I friggin lived 300 miles north of that shit hole.  You try growing up with your parents constantly comparing you with Conrad Bain.

 

This is Lethbridge's flag. Just use the US flag you lazy fuckers.

Who else are they going to measure a kid against in Alberta?  Fucking Nickleback?  Those posers are from the province.  That’s just embarrassing to type.  God, how I fucking hate Nickleback.  Thanks, assholes.  Alberta will forever be synonymous with musical suck.

Indisputable, scientific proof that every Nickelback song is every other Nickelback song and the vast majority of their fans are dumber than a bag of hammers.

Where was I before my hatred for Conrad Bain and Lethbridge consumed me?  Oh, yeah; Gary Coleman.  It wasn’t bad enough that NBC painted him into the child actor corner.  Oh, no.  Those money whores at ABC made a carbon copy of Arnold Jackson.  They followed this tried, but true television rip off formula:

  1. drop the older brother
  2. keep the lopsidedly white cast
  3. Keep the dead parents
  4. Lose the big sister
  5. Add an extra ultra-white rich parent

Move that shit to Chicago instead of New York City and viola!  You have a heaping pile of Webster.  That little bastard Emmanuel Lewis stormed in with his little feet and grabbed the little adopted black kid spotlight.  The little clone even got a god-damned series of Burger King commercials.  Where the fuck was Gary Coleman’s fast food ad campaign?  Shit no!  The writers shafted Gary and only gave him a pedophile for his troubles.

Christ! And they let him run a radio station to boot.

There is one thing Diff’rent Strokes had that knock off, Webster never did; Bobby Budnick from Salute Your Shorts!  You can’t take that away, Webster!  You can’t rob us of our memories!

Plus, Budnick married that chick who played ZZ on the show. We give him credit for that since she ended up on the plus side of hot.

Few knew Gary Coleman, the politician, the Simpson’s guest star, the Tony award parody, and the Hannah Barbara cartoon character.  Wait, forget that last one.  Being in a Hannah Barbara cartoon is nothing to be proud of.

 

But we voted for him in the California gubernatorial race even though no one from FWTC actually lives in that state.

Here’s some food for thought.  Coleman placed 8th in a that race out of 135 candidates.  Fucking 8th!

Gary Coleman is more than a bad grammar ridden catch phrase.

His guest appearance on The Simpsons was ass-kickingly Oscar worthy!

Well, it’s better than anything a bloated Steven Seagal has done.

Sure, we could spend hours talking about his disorderly conduct charges, car wrecks, financial lawsuits and that little thing about punching a woman while he was a security guard.

"Bitch shouldn't have disrespected."

Or, his appearance on Divorce Court

That’s not how we want to remember him, damn it!  Well, chances are that his legal circus of horrors is what we will remember the most.  No, fuck that.  There has to be something out there we can celebrate Gary Coleman for other than court appearances, and a shitty 80’s sitcom.

Yeah, this will do nicely. Too short my ass. He's the perfect size in this pic.

Sincerely,

Roode

Halloween Pumpkin Carving: Gateway to Mass Murder

By Roode

Kids love Halloween. It’s the one time of year they can get free candy that doesn’t involve creepy old men in bathrobes. Adults love it, because it’s the one time of they year that dressing up like Tyra Banks isn’t exclusively for drag queens.

Remember when Jamie Fox was funny? Of course you don’t.
§

I don’t dress up. I don’t trick or treat. I don’t have kids so I’m not forced to pretend I give a shit. This may surprise some of you, but I’m not a happy go lucky holiday celebrating person. I wouldn’t put up that fucking Christmas tree if I didn’t get a guilt trip from the wife each and every “have to buy new strings of lights because the ones from last Christmas never fucking work” year. I suggested we just forgo the tree one year. It was like I proposed we put on cleats and go kitten stomping.

My bags are always packed for the latest guilt trip provided by The Wife Travel Agency.
§

Last weekend I hung out with Ren. I was bored and sober. I knew that belligerent Irish drunk had booze. I had wifey in tow for a low key Saturday evening. Adel was out of town making plans for her wedding (that’s right kids- more on that another time) and who the hell knows what Tresckow was doing. Maybe storming Poland?

Tank rental is surprising affordable.
§

I was quite happy to sit there, watch TV, and suck down Guinness. The hens were yapping in another room and Commando was on TV. Awesome! Beer, violence, and HDTV. I defy you to come up with a better combination. Defy you, I say!

Somewhere around the part when Schwarzenegger is slaughtering the island army lead by Nick Tortelli Ren had the most horrible idea since CNN’s coverage of the Michael Jackson funeral. “Hey! Let’s make Jack O’Lanterns.” Bitch.
Sure, I protested. You married guys out there know resistance is futile. Over the years my “Fuck it! Whatever!” switch developed a hair trigger. I learned about three years into married bliss that it’s the path of least resistance that gets you laid. So, when someone has a fucktarded idea like this and the wife is into it, fuck it. I’m as powerless as Valtrex is on TilaTequila.

This fucker is pretty much always set to “on.”
§
I knew I was in for a rocket ship to a ball taggingly painful night when it took the girls 30 minutes to find the right pumpkins. It was the like the Goldilocks of pumpkin searching. This one is too small. This one has too many bumps. This one has a funny looking stem… damn it! At this point I didn’t give a shit if the son-of-a-bitch was oozing blood while demonic voices chanted an ode to Satan. Why the fuck can’t women find ANYTHING in under half an hour? Holy yeti piss, the fucker’s going to end up a rotting corpse on the stoop anyway.

Pictured: Good investment.
§

After buying four medium sized pumpkins (four, because the odds of fucking up are excellent when you’ve been drinking since 3) we carted the orange bastards back to the house. First off, let me say it’s completely fucking ridiculous the amount of goddamn work you have to put in just to cut the top off. Then, there’s a shitload of stringy, gag reflex slapping innards that have to be scooped out. This shit looks, feels, and acts wrong. Not only does it feel like goopy, stringy shit from a camel with diarrhea, it’s nye impossible to keep it in one place. If you’re lucky, it just falls on the floor like so much spaghetti of the damned. If you’re not so lucky, it can find its way into your pants. Don’t fucking give me that look. It happens.

Look at this putrid, stringy mess and tell me you don’t want to blow chunks.
§

It’s not over yet. Oh no, there’s more labor intensive bullshit waiting to play ping pong with your dangly parts. Now you have to scrape the meat of the friggin thing. There’s nothing remotely appealing about that phrase. Scrape the meat? That conjures up all sorts of fucked up Donner Partyimages.

Delish.
§

Hold on! Before you start scraping chunks of pumpkin meat, you need to know two things; 1) No kitchen utensil in the known world is built for this and 2) if you take too much out the whole fucking thing will collapse. Who knew this was a science?

I don’t know, Bill. Maybe there is no cure for Jack O’Lantern carving rage.
§

Of course, my wife is a friggin genius with this shit. She’s the artsy crafty one. I’m the one that gets pissed off and dynamites random things in nature. Ren, the dumbass that came up with the idea, redefined suck. She bought one of those stencils that is supposed to help you carve designs. That fucker was too complicated for a drunken Mick. It didn’t end well.

After giving up on ever stenciling this thing right, she decided to carve the fucker with a hammer.
§

Well, that gourd was out of commission. Mine, on the other hand, was still in the race. Sure, it frustrated me a little…

The fucker had it coming.
§

This sucks! Who started this butt fucking tradition anyway? Liquored up, pissed off people shouldn’t be asked to hack the almighty shit out of produce. That’s how Bundy got started.

Bundy.
§

After another (4) beer, I went back to the taunting, round poop stain. OK, I just stabbed it a few times. It’s fixable. I’ll just get to work cutting out the nose and smile. This shit has to be getting me brownie points with the wife, right? RIGHT? Besides, I know I can do better than Ren’s second attempt.

I’ve never seen a Jack O’Lantern with Downs Syndrome before.
§

I decided, then and there, that I would not be defeated by a piece of fruit… or vegetable… whatever. With each slip of the knife and fucked up tooth, I started to fantasize about setting fire to all its smug ass brethren. All of a sudden I understood punkin chunkin. Its not a bunch of drooling momma’s boys who smell like a mix of body odor and Red Bull (not exclusively, anyway). It was mankind’s way of getting back at those sack lickers.

This may have cost more money and time than any sane person would invest,
but, it must be therapeutic to see that mother launched into the air and disintegrate on impact.
§

When the dust settled, there were three Jack O’Lanterns. Mine looked like it was married to Ike Turner. Ren’s did an amazing Sling Bladeimpersonation. My wife’s… that’s not important. Shut up!

One of these days she’s going to fuck SOMETHING up and I’ll be there to see it.
§

If the night wasn’t rage inducing enough, this Jack O’Cock Knocker saved the best for last. As soon as I picked it up to carry outside the asshole started to cave in. Remember that whole don’t scrape too much of the meat off thing? Well, guess what? I didn’t fucking pay attention to that at all. The face started collapsing faster than Michael Jackson’s cosmetic surgery (yes, two MJ references in one article. I’m not proud).

Stick a candle in his skull and it’s the spitting image of my imploding Jack O’Lantern.
§

It was over. The damn thing didn’t even stay together long enough for me to make it out the door. I snapped. To quote a great philosopher, “That’s all I can stands and I can’t stands no more!”

Wise beyond his years.
§

I bellowed “Fuck you gourd!” OK, so it was a bit loud and I’m pretty sure someone called the cops, but I didn’t give a shit. This sadistic orange fuck has toyed with me for too long! I let it drop to the ground and I nailed the mocking tea bagger in the mouth. That’s right, pumpkins everywhere can eat me. It’s on now. Every assclown pumpkin I find will die. I hereby declare my plan for pumpkin cleansing! Pumpkins, watch your backs (wherever the fuck your “backs” are). It’s war now!

He was, but the first to fall!
Sincerely,
Roode

A Half Assed Alcoholic’s Guide to Invading Canada

by, Ren-

You know where Canada is, right? It’s that giant wasteland north of Montana where they try to pass curling off as a sport and ham as some sort of exotic bacon. Yeah, that maple leaf flag place with pictures of the Queen on their money. It also happens to be where Roode is from. Yuppers, Roode is Canuckian. We all knew there was something wrong with him. I mean other than the whole rage-a-holic who sneaks into the women’s bathroom categorizing cartoon women he would lay watercolor pipe to thing.

The janitorial version of hockey, I guess. Next, the sawdust on puke competition.


Before some pug nuts accuses me of being anti-Canada and writing hate speech, let me set everyone straight. I like Canada. I’ve visited often. Some of my best friends hail from the Great White North. In fact, I love how some of Canada’s citizens celebrate their patriotism.


I’m an alcohol enthusiast. I dare say I can give Tresckow a run for his money; which is to say drink his Eliza Dushku obsessed ass under the table. Sure, he drinks a bottle of bourbon while watching Hell’s Kitchen. That’s kid stuff. My people refer to whiskey as “water.” You got it, my family is right off the potato boat. My Irish ancestors invented the bar fight, alcohol poisoning, and booze fueled domestic abuse. In short, Momma can drink like a champ. So, why not exercise my drinking muscles once in a while? Hey, I drink responsibly. I always cut myself off when I lose consciousness.

No, this isn’t me. I don’t drink shitty beer and I’m a fuckload cuter.

Not too long ago, my merry little band decided to go bar hopping. It’s the tried and true tradition of crashing a bar, drinking to the point of arguing with one of the bar stools, then moving on to the next pub before the cops arrive. It’s never a good idea to wing your itinerary. To hedge your bets, you really should plot out your drunken flight path with Google maps. It just helps avoid the inevitable geographical catastrophe. What about your cell phone’s GPS? Forget it. You can barely dial drunk, let alone use any application that requires more than just yelling at the phone.

And this is just using the key word “bars.”

Fridays bring out the worst in drunks. Especially if that drunk is a booze swilling, obscenity spouting, potato farming Mick. Hey, I can say that shit. I’m Irish. Not just Irish, but NORTHERN Irish. It’s not a racial slur if you’re talking about your own people. Your own smashed, whiskey gulping, fighting mad drunk people. Éirinn go Brách! Póg mo thóin!

We’re not exactly in the cradle of civilization over here. It’s an arctic tundra during the fall, winter, and spring and a sadistic Easy Bake Oven in the summer. As with most of this part of the country, civilization is completely spread out. If what you want isn’t in the town you’re in, you’re pretty much shit out of luck. You’re going to have to sit there and live without a Snuggie. If you can call that living. Or, you can suck it up and drive the two hours to the next town with a fully operational Bed Bath and Beyond.

Yes, I know this is just a backwards, terry cloth version of a Jedi’s robe
and it just might be the most ridiculous “As Seen On TV” product known to man.
Don’t ask a girl to explain. I just fucking want one!

A good, hardcore pub crawl in this area is only for the dedicated. I can completely use up all the bars worth going to in one city with ease. It’ll take your professional bar hopper no time to vanquish the worthwhile watering holes. Where do you go from there? You take your wasted show on the road. That’s precisely what we did.

Take that shit on the road!

Someone had the brilliant idea to just “head north.” Why not? Like I said, everything in this God forsaken state is a hundred miles away from everything else. Bars (the acceptable ones, anyway) tend to cluster in decent sized towns and cities. I’ve learned to keep the fuck out of back road shit holes with a flickering sign that simply reads “BAR.” I’m way too girlie, have too many teeth, and 200 pounds too light for syphilis rampant road houses.

.
Sorry, dude. Still no deal.

The only one of us not investing in a future case of Sclerosis of the Liver was the designated driver. That poor son-of-a-bitch had to drive our belligerent alcohol soaked asses from bar to bar. Before you start feeling too sorry for him, take this into consideration: 1) He’s one of those Canadian people, 2) he got to watch a couple of the girls play a drunken game of “make out and giggle,” and 3) I’m pretty sure I let him cop a feel a few times. That last part is a little hazy.

Bar by bar we worked our way North, hitting a string of towns and the only “city” in that area, Great Falls. Being nice and liquored up, it was decided that the trek North shall continue! Hey, our DD knows a pretty awesome bar a little further North. We totally should go! Fuck yeah! NORTH! BAR! GO!

Point that arrow thingy to N and move out!

This is when it all gets a little muddy. I remember a strip club that had some pretty rock’n wings. I want to say one of the girls ended up dry humping the stripper pole on stage (Jesus, I hope it wasn’t me). Someone brought a monkey, because the monkey knocked over the drink cart. What I clearly remember is our DD getting obliterated on shots of grain and Captain Morgan. Alright, whatever. So we’ll have to find a place to crash and sleep it off. After kindly turning down an offer for shelter from a nice man in a trench coat and sunglasses, we all decided to get a hotel room, collapse, and each engage in our own, personal vomiting ritual.

Post a sign all you want, society. I’m still going to do the Technicolor yawn in your bushes.
 

As pleasant as it may be to pack 5 people who smell like stale alcohol, vomit, and vanilla cupcakes (that one has me baffled), the first thing you want to do when you rejoin the world of the living is get the holy fuck out of that room and get some fresh air. Okay, I did take a few quick seconds to take a couple cell pics of the rest of my party in strange, passed out positions. What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t?Having no recollection of where we were, what hotel we were in, or why my underwear was now blue instead of green (I could have sworn I put on green undies before this whole thing began), I stumbled out of the building. Thank God. Finally, somewhere that doesn’t smell like a bus station in Belfast. Sun? WTF? Oh yea, I have a hangover. I scanned the area looking for someplace to get a few dozen cups of black coffee and more whiskey (hair of the dog and all). My poor eyes were just slits. They hated the sun too.

The sun is such a dick when you have a soul crushing hangover.

I started walking around looking for a combination Starbucks-liquor store. Hey. There sure are a lot of cars with Canadian license plates. Damn Canucks, always coming to this state, eating our food, breathing our air… Damn, Alberta? Most of the tags were from Alberta. What, is there some sort of Albertan invasion of Montana? Dude, take it.

I noticed something else that seemed strange to me. The speed limits in this town are absurdly high.

Holy vehicular homicide, Batman!

Oh, wait. The sign continues. Hmm, there is more writing under the numbers. Shit, I hate lowering my head. My eyeballs hurt. My neck hurts. If it was important it would be in my line of sight. Holding my chin with my hand, I slowly lower my entire head, using the least amount of neck power possible. I have no doubt that I looked like a little blonde mental case. This shit better be worth it.


KM/H? Canadian car tags? Alberta? The smell of cooked ham on pizza? Did I hear someone say “Aboot?” Aboot? Eh? Alright, let me do the math. Ugh, my head. No. Concentrate. Whose thong is this in my pocket? STOP! THINK. KM/H. Canadian tags. “Aboot.” This all sounds familiar. God, I want a slice of pizza. Maybe one with Canadian bac….. FUCK! It can’t be! How the shit did this happen.

I thought the US flag looked strange. It’s all maple leafy…

We went North, alright. The damn hoser DD did know of a kick ass place to party. He just left out the part about crossing international borders. Canada? The four of us from a country that’s had a flag for more than 50 years were a might concerned. Not so much about Canada; I mean who’s concerned about Canada? It was more about re-entering the United States and dealing with border security, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, and the fun time guys in Homeland Security. Did I mention none of us had our passports? I should have mentioned that none of us had our passports. Who the fuck takes their passport along when going on a bar crawl? Apparently, I should have. Come on. We managed to get into Canada without papers. Five sloppy drunks drove over the border without so much of a “Hey there,hi there, ho there, Eh.” How hard will it be to slip back over?

shit.

Canada is the roach motel of North American countries. I’m not comparing the nation to a poisonous roach infested trap, so don’t get your panties in a bunch, Canada. It’s more like Americans can enter, but they can’t leave sort of thing. Obviously, no one gives a flying fuck who enters Canada. But, when you want to turn around and drive the other way, there’s a problem. You see, the US is all bent out of shape about terrorism and terrorists sneaking past the border from Canada and doing harm unto us. Hey, that’s a legitimate concern. The problem is that its nyeim-fucking-possible to secure a 3,142 mile long border. In the good old days, if you lived close enough, you could pop into Canada and back, no questions asked. Today, fuck you! You’re a terrorist until we can prove otherwise. I sure as shit fit the profile being 5′ 1″ 100 pounds, pale, and blonde. I’m part of the little known Al Qaeda cell made up completely of angry Mick leftovers from the PIRA (IRA to you slaves of movie pop culture).

But, when the Irish found out that whiskey and Guinness were forbidden by religious law, they promptly gave everyone the finger and went to the nearest pub.

After the last of us came to, we decided to make a break for it. Our Canadian DD couldn’t remember exactly how we came in. It seemed like every secondary road was blocked from the Alberta side. Awesome! They’re just waving people through! We might just pull this off!

Fuck.

Before I knew it, a couple of officers from the Royal Canadian Mounted Police knocked on our window. Our ship was sunk. We were caught. Maybe it was because the car reeked of vomit and Irish Car Bombs. Maybe it was because I said the phrase “Irish Car Bombs.” Whatever it was, the Horsemen nabbed us and impounded the car. Why? Fucking racial profiling, man!

Once again, four out of the five of our little posse came from the States. Out of that four, exactly ZERO could offer any sort of paper work to the RCMP, let alone US border patrol. Our state drivers licenses were useless. My attempt to seduce my way out of Canadian custody fell flat. Great. Now I have self-esteem issues to boot. Fucking Mounties.

For the record, we were “detained” not arrested. There’s a mile of difference. Being arrested involves jail and a cavity search. Being detained entails a lot of retarded questioning, bad coffee, and constantly reaffirming that when you said “Irish Car Bomb” you meant the damn drink.

Don’t you Sasquatches mix drinks?

It was a chicken and the egg routine. In order to get past the border, we needed our passports. In order to get our passports, we needed to get past the border. Our options were:

  1. Have someone mail them to us while we wait in Calgary, in custody.
  2. Get shipped to the US Embassy in Ottawa.
  3. Have someone drive to the border checkpoint and bring them to us.
  4. Undertake a Steve McQueen type “Great Escape.”

We didn’t have enough shovels or Charles Bronson to complete number 4. Number 1 and 2 would just take us deeper into Canada; the OPPOSITE direction we needed to go. Not to mention staying longer than humanly possible. Number 3 seemed the most possible. I knew precisely who to recruit. My big brother! That’s it! He lives where this whole carnival of dipshittery began. That was only a mere… 1… 2… 4… 6 hours away! That’s practically down the road.

After some convincing, pleading, and threatening to tell everyone that he secretly watches iCarly when no one’s around (oops), he reluctantly agreed. It took him over an hour to locate and secure all four of the needed passports. A friend of his tagged along for the ride to watch the hilarity ensue. Joke’s on that asshole. He doesn’t have a passport, so the border patrol made him wait on the US side while my brother drove through. HA!

I was free! Even though, I’m damn sure I was entered in some sort of Albertian-Canadian-Canuckian watch list.

I’m sorry, Ms. Ren. You seem to be a person of interest…

I suppose I should be grateful that it was the RCMP that kicked up a fuss and not Homeland Security. I’m not sure I could take a stint in Gitmo. I guess I should be grateful that my brother made a 12 hour round trip to bail his little sister out of an international bind. But, dude, some of those strippers at the club were HOT!