Blog Archives

Ren is NOT Real

By, “Ren”

(Contributions from Jane Lane)

There has been a “controversy” rampaging the shit out of various segments of the media.  The wool was pulled over your eyes, people.  We’re talking cover-up you easily fooled sacks.  A sham!  Flim-flam!  Even a semi-syndicated talk show exposed this farce.  I can’t think of any synonyms for sham, flim-flam, and cover-up, so let’s get to the point.

Ren is not real.

santa

Neither is Santa Claus. Fuck your Christmas.

Depend on your personal choice of media outlet, you heard it hear first.  The little blonde Irish elf does not exist.  Sorry, people.  It was bound to be discovered sometime.  FWTC did its level best backstopping a cover story for “Ren” and build a solid base for our house of lies.  But, you were too smart.  The Geraldo Riveras in podcast and Internet land Sherlock Holmes-ed themselves to uncover the truth.  Hats off to everyone who has a degree in criminology.  Degrees from un-accredited schools from Indonesia on a distance learning program.  But, who am I to judge.  Apparently, nobody.  You can’t make judgements when you don’t exist.

What?  This is what nothing looks like.

What? This is what nothing looks like.

No, friends, Ren does not exist.  I…  I mean, “SHE” is just a practical joke.  A combination of industry logos and urban legend.  You’ve all been duped.  I am…..  shit, I mean, “SHE” is a scam.  No one can agree on what kind of scam or who the hell “she” really is.  It could be some sort of Irish pyramid scheme.  Perhaps, some twisted person or persons came up with the idea to josh an entire nation just to create a publicity stunt to sell prophylactics made of bison scrotum.

FWTC Photo Department:  "No.  Just, no!"

FWTC Photo Department: “No. Just, no!”

Just like Roswell and Bigfoot, there are a few leading theories about who I…  fuck!  Who “she” really is.  Here are just a few:

1.  “She’s” a fat guy

mike_home_office

This is, probably, the most obvious I mean, come on!  We all know the vast majority of the “women” on the interwebs are fat, sweaty fucks with a tiny dicks.  Christ, 90% of the “women” on Facebook are guys.  It’s completely conceivable that this “Ren” character is really just some fat slob desperate for attention.  Come on!  This “girl” likes to drink, bang her “husband,” and loves the meat.  Get it?  Loves the meat?

What?  What did you think I meant?

What? What did you think I meant?

There’s NO WAY a “woman” like that in the world.  Check that.  NO FUCKING WAY!  That shit is like turning lead into gold.  It’s all a myth.  Hearsay.  It’s just not possible that a “female” can actually enjoy meat and meat byproducts along with alcohol and and steady stream of fucking the husband.

Let alone fucking him in the restroom of an Sobeys.

Let alone fucking him in the restroom of a Sobeys.

So, yeah.  That’s got to be it.  Unless…

2.  “She’s” a spambot

87spambot

Bots are annoying.  Bots are cunning.  Bots are fucking sneaky.  How many times have you gotten a message from “Eliza Dushku” or “Avril Lavigne” or..  I don’t know…  “God?”  Well, we all sure as hell know it’s really some sweaty programer with more body odor than appeal.

That's it.  Take it all in.

That’s it. Take it all in.

This makes sense.  First, you just scour the Net, and find a random girl on Facebook and second, pirate the fuck out of any pics set to “public.”  Throw in a dash of spyware and a sprinkle of rerouting virus then, fucking viola!  You got yourself insta-Ren!

Sizes may vary.

The main issue with these bots is that many of them are programmed to adjust to new perimeters.  To adapt to new spam filters.  To… evolve.  If this, “Ren” is a spam bot, it’s more than just your basic con to worm its way into your hard drive.  Come on, people!  That’s one more fucking step towards sentience!  Christ, we’re all focused on the wrong issue!

And I think we all know how this is going to end.

Unless….

3. “She’s” a fat chick

FWTC Photo Department:  "We hate you all."

FWTC Photo Department: “We hate you all.”

Dude, just re-read #1 and replace all the “guys” with “chicks.”  You can leave the “tiny dick” part.  Depending on the fat chick.

4.  “She’s” is really  a government conspiracy

area51main

It’s not unusual to suspect the government, any government (except Canada, I guess) in a shit ton of covert operations and secret programs that inject nanobots into unsuspecting children’s flu shots to build a perfect combination of man and machine.

And, again, I think we all know how this ends...

And, again, I think we all know how this ends…

5.  “She’s” a celestial or atmospheric phenomenon

Aurora_Borealis

The less plausible theory being proposed by the most plausible stalkers (and their sad sad lives).  This “Ren” is closer to the aurora borealis or some sort of Helix Nebula… The Eye of God, if you will.

Or of Sauron...

Or of Sauron…

It has been proven or, at the very least, conceptually kicked around that celestial physics can theoretically influence a person’s consciousness.  Don’t believe me?  Fine.  Don’t.  I don’t fucking care.  See it for yourself.  Pony up the dough to attend the “Toward the Science of Consciousness “at the University of Arizona‘s Center for Consciousness.  Take the kids and come on down to God’s misshapen ash can.  Takes pictures of an honest-to-god astrophysicist!  But what’s fun without  some learning?  It’s bullshit… that’s what it is.  Included in this dream package you will have your choice of murderously boring  lectures.  Oooooooo  will it be the on discussing quantum influences on the brain.  No wait!  The lecture about electromagnetic flares hurdling to Earth like New Jersey Governor Chris Christie warp speeding to the Buffet King. We’re onto you, “science.”

And you too, Governor.

And you too, Governor.

6.  “She’s” a incorporeal essence within us all

240px-Bartolomé_Esteban_Perez_Murillo_003

How do we know God exists?  How about Allah, Buddha, or whatever the fuck the Vikings worshiped?

I have no idea, but I'm thinking of converting.

I have no idea, but I’m thinking of converting.

When annoying push comes to asinine shove, you don’t.  As a “modern” society, we tend to incredulously cast looks toward our ancestors and remark on how “quaint” their beliefs were.

Awwww, how cute!  It's a guy with a puppy dog head!

Awwww, how cute! It’s a guy with a puppy dog head!

Every society does that to the society that came before theirs.  We’re not running around worshiping the sun or offering our children to Yahweh on a funeral pyre.  Not often these days, anyway.  However, we cling on to our “enlightened” (enough with the fucking quotations, already) religious philosophies.  Jews KNOW God exists.  Muslims KNOW Allah is watching over them.  Christians KNOW Jesus was the Son of God.  Throw the Dali Lama in there while we’re at it.  His followers KNOW he is the reincarnation of the reincarnation of the reincarnation of the first…  um…  Lama?

Don't judge me.  I barely remember when to kneel during Mass.

Don’t judge me. I barely remember when to kneel during Mass.

OK, so what’s the fucking point?  Each and every follower of every religion can’t produce concrete proof that their god(s) exist.  Shiva isn’t in the directory and Thor doesn’t have a Facebook page.

Oh.  Heh. He does.  A shitload of them, too.

Oh. Heh. He does. A shitload of them, too.

Even atheists believe that there is no higher power to the point where that disbelief turns into their beliefs.  So, is it possible that this fictitious “Ren” actually exists in the hearts of man?  Does “she” exist in our actions?  Our thoughts?  Our dreams?  Is it possible that there is a little bit of “Ren” in all of us?  How the fuck should I know?  I don’t exist.  Ask someone who isn’t a figment of your imagination.

XiJinping-Snuffleupagus-Photo-20121214

________________________________________

*When not writing for the Fuse Was Too Cold, “Ren” exists only in the world of imagination. 

*When not contributing, Jane Lane exists to make you miserable to the point of embracing the sweet release of death..

I Hate Glee. What Are You Going to Do About It?

By Roode–

If you’re a regular or semi-regular reader of mine, you’ll know that I have a profound dislike for most everything.  Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of things I like.

OK, so this pretty much encompasses all my “likes.”

Perhaps, television is both my favourite and most hated of life’s little staples.  It’s a harsh mistress; dressing up for you all pretty like one moment, then pissing all over you the next.  God knows I hate television networks.  These wonder-tards are responsible for some of the worst decisions in entertainment history.  Fuck it.  I’m talking about FOX.  FOX has been anally raping its viewership since the dawn of Married:  With Children. Let’s check the score:

  1.  Arrested DevelopmentCANCELLED
  2. Terminator- The Sarah Connor ChroniclesCANCELLED
  3. Lie to MeCANCELLED
  4. FuturamaCANCELLED
  5. Family GuyCANCELLED
  6. DollhouseCANCELLED
  7. FireflyCANCELLED

Then, there are the shows that FOX execs gave a collective, “fuck it” and greenlit baffling shit like:

  1.  Who’s Your Daddy:  Fatherless child + paternity tests + slut mother + a group of guys who couldn’t keep it in their pants + TV audience + cash reward = eventual suicide
  2. Married by America:  The viewing audience could now get involved with helping young couples fuck up their futures
  3. The Littlest  Groom:  He’s a midget!  Get it?  [It actually pained me to type “littlest”]
  4. Babes:  Fat chicks.  That’s it.  There’s nothing else.
  5. House of BugginJohn Leguizamo’s latest tragically unfunny attempt at replacing “In Living Color

Even more ball-smashingly painful are the shows FOX, not only keeps on the air, but seem to have an L. Ron Hubbard type following.  Again, let’s go to the board:

  1. American Idol:  Definition of beating a dead horse and making it sing.
  2. X Factor:  What they’re calling “American Idol,” but with Simon Cowell and Pepsi.
  3. House:  Look, he’s a cranky ass, drug addicted, pompous, douchebag doctor.  We get it.
  4. Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader:  Short answer:  No
  5. Glee:  Fucking Glee

Although I can shake my fist and send human waste to FOX for the first two lists, there is no one to blame but the American people for the last.  What the fuck is wrong with society?  “But, Roode,” some of you are no doubt saying to your monitors like I give two shits, “if you don’t like these shows, don’t watch them.”  If you’re one of the people who just said that, punch yourself in the kidneys as hard as you can.  I’ll wait.

Or, have Batman do it.

The excruciatingly painful root canal of a problem is that these entertainment equivalents to eyeball AIDS don’t just stay on TV.  They’re everywhere.  They spill over into every other aspect of life:  water cooler chat, trite morning show coverage, bullshit marketing shenanigans, and a host of other methods designed to shove this camel piss down your throat.  For fuck’s sake, you half expect the doctor to give you a rectal exam with an official “GLEE” probe.

“Collect them all!”

Glee. Fucking Glee.  Outside of “reality” shows, Glee has to be the prickliest cactus that has ever been shoved up my ass [figuratively, sickos].  It combines all the things I hate in life:  singing, high school drama bullshit, singing about high school drama bullshit, hair styles from the 80’s, poser-hipster-geekdom, a Barbara Streisand wannabe, and all the douchebaggery contained therein.

And this goofy fuckstick.

Impossibly aggravating twirling paraplegic aside, I’m completely baffled as to how in the fuck this show became the runaway success it is.  I guess it has all the ingredients of an asinine network TV show popular with the toothless public:

Unrealistically pretty high school “teenagers” + mismatched couples + painfully dubbed singing + forced and contrived gay character(s)

=

RATINGS GOLD

Alright, maybe most of that is superficial for a list of reasons why I hate this show more than a punch to the yam bag.  But, it’s a goddamn TV show.  What else do I need?  It’s television cancer!  The background music, itself, is enough to drive one into a murderous rage.

I tried to watch the show once [read:  woke up on the couch while wife was watching it].  I timed myself.  It was exactly one minute until I was filled with homicidal rage.  It’s like fingers on a chalkboard.  It’s not any ONE thing.  It’s EVERYTHING.  Individually, I’m pretty sure I could stomach each vomit inducing annoyance for an hour-long show.  I hate singing in a television show, but I managed to put up with episodes of The Simpsons that shoe-horned musical sketches into the show.  High school drama on TV makes me want to set fire to an orphanage, but I was able to sit through Veronica Mars.

Kristen Bell might have had something to do with that, though.

But, all those little annoyances in concert is like being hit with a bag of oranges.  It’s a constant left-hook, right-hook combination.  It’s one of the few situations when running headlong into a wall is the better of two evils.  Take the hits too long and you’ll end up like Sylvester Stallone in Rocky V.  No, not the Rocky character.  I really mean Sylvester Stallone.

Poor bastard couldn’t tie his own shoes with help from Mr. T.

Glee has become oh so fashionable!  Why, everyone who’s ANYONE wants to have their songs shit on, ham-fisted into a “plot” then have the very essence changed to discuss the problems of kids in wheelchairs not being able to get enough blond poontang.

Look, I just really fucking hate this kid.

Ah, that’s what FOX wants you to think.  Every now and then an artist is able to withstand the evil and money to protect his work from being shat out the prime time sphincter.  Who?  Who dared defy the FOX gods and deny them their power and inefficient hybrids?

Dave MOTHER FUCKING Grohl!

Back in March of 2011, Dave declined to give the rights to his song, “Everlong.”  [Read:  Go fuck yourselves]  Grohl feels that musicians shouldn’t feel pressured to bow down to Glee’s awesomeness and beg to give them any song out of their catalogue the studio wants.  Check this:

“It’s every band’s right, you shouldn’t have to do fucking Glee,” Grohl, 42, told The Hollywood Reporter. “Dude, maybe not everyone loves Glee. Me included. I watched 10 minutes and it wasn’t my thing. “

Translation:  Fuck you, Ryan Murphy, creator of Glee.  Your shit absolutely DOES stink.  Not only that, but we can see what you ate for lunch.

“Someone’s not eating enough roughage.”

But, I suppose Dave Grohl’s story isn’t indicative of the norm.  Well, that would be true if Slash and Kings of Leon didn’t do the same damn thing and FLAT OUT REFUSED to let their music be a part of that bile gargling sing-com.  I can only hope this becomes some sort of movement within the music industry that has musicians actually KNOW what their songs are being used for when they accept a fat check. Just say NO, Alice in Chains.  JUST SAY NO!

Do these fuckers look like they WANT to have “Check My Brain” or “Man in a Box” used to sell toilet scrubbers, let alone be butchered on Glee? Layne Staley would come back from the grave and kick EVERYONE’S ass!

The ONLY redeemable decision this holocaust of a show ever made was just chance.  Heather Morris was hired, originally, to work out the coreography for the mind numbing dance scenes.  She worked with Beyoncé and knew a thing or two about choreography.  It was her job to teach the cast of mouth breathers how to dance well enough for prime time television.  I guess she did pretty well, because they ended up hiring her to play Brittany Pierce in a recurring role. In the second season she was made a full cast member.  I wish I understood why.

·

Oh, yeah.  I see why.  Excellent job!

Sincerely,

Roode