I can hear you judging me now. How disturbing. A grown man who wants to bone cartoon characters. First off, you judgmental prick, it wouldn’t be “boning.” It would be banging. The difference is subtle, but it’s there. Secondly, this is just all theory. Hot is hot. If the opportunity ever arose that either 1) you found yourself in cartoon form and able to knock water-color boots with the animated hottie of your choice or 2) you were able to blur the real world/cartoon world boundary and do some of the inter dimensional nasty.
There are just some two-dimensional girls on the tube a guy wouldn’t kick out of bed for eating crackers. No, not the two-dimensional girls you see on E! or other mindless television programming like Rock of Love . Venereal disease ridden yeast oozing frat whores can’t touch any of these animated honeys.
there drawing their personal R rated fantasies of a cartoon mouse.
Hey, I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. Lois is a hot redhead with one hell of a computer animated body. She’s into S&M, bondage, and the occasional cocaine binge. I’m not making this shit up. It’s all in the series.
The research team had no problem coming to a consensus with Lois. She’s that wild MILF that has no problems twirling around a stripper pole at night. Ryan was particularly adamant about her “boneability” factor. Hey, don’t give me that look. It’s a scientific term, just like bangtastic or humpalicious.
The only thing that took away from Lois’ bangable factor was that she has three kids. One way or another, we’re thinking some elasticity was lost in the fun zone along the way.
We are sort of baffled how she ended up being married to a buffoon. Yes, there are chubby chasers out there. Are there functional retard chasers too? If there are, that opens up a lot of opportunities for some of the research team.
Oh, yea. If your first response to the “We are sort of baffled how she ended up being married to a buffoon” line from above was something like “I don’t know, Roode. Let’s ask your wife,” I hope you catch gout you fucker.
2: The Princess of Hyrule/Zelda- Legend of Zelda
*Alcohol consumed during the research process: Vodka
After deciding that beer was for chumps, we started downing vodka. We kicked around a few more animated cuties, before Phil brought up the old Legend of Zelda television series that aired every Friday on The Super Mario Bros. Super Show in the late 80s. Hmmmm, intriguing. All of us downed another shot of vodka and mulled it over.
[Yes, in this pic, Zelda is high beaming. Hey, I didn’t draw it.]
Yes! Absolutely! Now it all came back to us. Zelda was hot! I don’t know what the hell the animators were thinking when drawing this bangable cartoon Betty. Many a Third World tracer had a stiffy while diligently cranking out the animation cells for the weekly show. It almost made up for the shitty wages DIC was tossing to them.
In this cartoon, Zelda was more than some stuck up princess locked in a tower somewhere. That dumbass just sat there waiting for someone to rescue her. Shit no! This Zelda was proactive; going on adventures with Link because, she knew that elf dipshit would fuck it up alone.
As young boys journeying to manhood, having a shapely, active, and oh so nimble blond to watch on TV was friggin OK with us! It was our version of porn damn it! She had a better rack than most of the girls we knew in the real world at the time.
That made even me feel dirty.
Link didn’t even want to be there. His entire motivation for putting forth the effort to thwart Ganon was to get a kiss from Zelda. For our purposes, we decided “kiss” meant using his sword to penetrate Zelda’s secret treasure.
But, um, we’d like to watch her sleep for a little longer..
3: The Black Cat- Spiderman animated series
Anyone who watched the 1994- 1998 version of Spiderman, the Animated Series should be familiar with the character Felicia Hardy. Yes, she’s another cute cartoon blond. But, her alter ego, the Black Cat gave all of us a new standard for female cartoon hotness. Not to mention another way we could defile the cartoon world with our sick and twisted male minds.
About ten minutes after we traded up from vodka to whiskey, James made a fantastic philosophical proclamation. The Black Cat was groin grabbingly hot. Shit, look at her. That outfit was made for form AND function. What better way to incapacitate the villain than by wearing a get- up that all but promised to suffer a wardrobe malfunction? We imagine that a few bad guys had problems standing up and just surrendered after a quick bathroom trip and a cigarette.
It wasn’t even just her look that got her on our scientifically compiled list. Her constant double entendres, sexual innuendos, and all out aggressive sexual behaviour helped knock the ball out of the park. After a minute or two of the “deep soul-searching in this clip from “Spiderman- Web of Shadows” you’re not sure if she’s prodding Spiderman to throw away the mask and run away together or get him to sling his web in her secret hideout.
This is based on a kid’s show? How many super heroines wear costumes tight enough in the crotch to sport camel toe? Not enough, damn it! We have a feeling that more than a few young men wore out their VCRs pausing and slow motioning the tape when the Black Cat’s scenes were up. Not that we would know anything about that.
4: Rogue- The X-Men Animated Series
Somehow we went from single malt whiskey to cheap bourbon. But, with the switch, came a new entry into our scientific research. That’s right, this is STILL scientific research. This is all in the name of science! Stop being judgmental!
In 1992, FOX blessed us with X-Men the Animated Series. This show was arguably the pioneer of animated comic book cartoons. Why? It did stay pretty faithful to the comic plot. Not that we cared. When the research team reviewed all the available data (drank), Tom postulated a hypothesis. This series was successful because Rogue was built like a brick shit house.
Alright, I feel like I’m losing you now. Let me take you back to 1995. This show was in its prime. Story lines were finely crafted; the characters well defined. What mattered even more than character development and story arcs? The fact that the cartoonist decided that Rogue should have the body of a porn star.
We’re beginning to think that every animator/cartoonist/artist has a hardwired need to draw female cartoon characters that will increase that chances of male viewer pitching a tent. That’s what we call developing a loyal fan base.
Rogue was sassy, impervious to most types of harm, and could beat a guy to death with the Rock of Gibraltar. There is no part of that last sentence that isn’t a turn on. Why do you think Gambit kept trying to get in those ridiculously tight spandex pants? Sure, Rogue could absorb his powers, potentially killing him. Quite frankly, it would be worth a life force draining or pelvis crushing to get some of that action.
5: Belle- Beauty and the Beast
By this time, we were drinking rye straight from the bottle. Ryan may have vomited all over Tom’s shoes. It’s also a sure bet that someone was just in his boxers at this point. I’m just not sure which one of us it was. Amazingly, we were allowed to continue our important research.
No self respecting man has ever seen Beauty and the Beast the whole way through. Somewhere between the singing furniture and realizing the portly mantel clock butler was really the even portlier Major Charles Emmerson Winchester from M*A*S*H, we bailed.
The only thing any of us remembered was Belle, the hot little peasant brunette that had a thing for hairy, tall men with anger management issues. It’s probably because she heard somewhere in the village that the size of a man beast’s tail is directly proportional to the size of his…forget it . This is crossing that whole bestiality line I drew in the sand earlier.
See? She’s equally pants tightening in naughty school girl wear or boob highlighting formal attire.
6: Erin Esurance- Esurance commercials
*Alcohol consumed during the research process: Grain
Our research was almost complete. We were missing one last animated vixen, however. At this time only James and I remained conscious. The rest of the research team was exhausted after a full night of scientific investigation. Some may have mistaken their exhaustion for being passed out under the pool table. That’s dedication damn it! That’s mother fucking commitment!
When we ceased to be able to function under our own power, we were hit with an epiphany. Erin Esurance was on television all the time. You couldn’t watch a show without her strutting her fine self around. She’s a double agent in a, you guessed it, skin-tight body suit. We really couldn’t ask for more. We really couldn’t speak without slurring.
Because James and I were drunk to the point of being color blind, I made a quick call to Tresckow to verify Erin’s cartoon boneability. His contribution of, “Oh, yeah, I’d get full coverage with her. In my PANTS!” substantiated our deduction. He then proceeded to launch a long soliloquy about the prospect of Ms. Esurance and Eliza Dushku in a three-way with… To tell the truth, I don’t really remember how the call ended. I hurled my phone at the head of who I thought was Oprah Winfrey. Don’t ask.
This mistress of insurance is athletic, flirtatious, and a closet dominatrix. She shoots out sexual innuendo after sexual innuendo. That’s our kind of woman! Well, animated woman. Shit, we’re past the point of semantics. She even has her own Chickipedia page.
The cartoonist doesn’t even bother attempting to hide Erin’s blatant ani-sexy-mation. It’s his intention to make us stop fast fowarding the DVR during the commercials. Nothing makes you want to buy car insurance like a tight bodied pink haired secret agent donned in what might as well be black body paint.
We would have no problem taking it out for Erin. Better yet, she can reach in and grab it. Just put her hand in there…
What? Reach in my glove compartment. That’s where I keep my insurance card. What did you think I meant? You’re a pervert. What did you think I was talking about? Sicko.
Esurance has even set up Erin’s World on their website. Essentially, you are in her apartment and can snoop around. You can watch her adventures on the flat screen, read her diary, go through her pics, and check out her Andy Warhol-ish art gallery. I know what you really want to know. No, there isn’t an option to root around her underwear drawer. We tried. We tried for hours.
Erin even has her own Chicipedia page. Did I mention that already?
A quick spin around the internet revealed that our petite car insurance fox is much appreciated by her fans. Maybe disturbingly so. The sheer volume of erotic/pornographic fan art [NSFW] is both impressive and frightening. As much as we would love to fill her insurance application… we are only willing to take it so far. We’re not total perverts.
Shit, we are.