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5 Things Society Would Give Up If It Was Serious About The Environment

By Adel

Far be it from me to associate myself with Roode or any of his articles, but I felt the need to expand upon his Earth Day piece (of shit). It got me thinking. No, not thinking about how Roode has kept out of prison for this long. Not this time. I started thinking about how, exactly, would society have to tackle environmental issues in a way that matters. Then it occurred to me, most of the big changers would never be done, because society is only willing to go so far. Sure, some will toss a plastic bottle into a recycling bin, but you bet your ass someone will drive a block to buy their lottery tickets and cigarettes instead of undertaking such an arduous journey of walking.

Sidewalks? Are we savages?

So, what would society REALLY have to do without in order to actually make an impact on the environment? Check that; a POSITIVE impact. My list of ways to make a negative impact is pretty much never-ending.
Setting a river on fire is way #23, in case you were curious Ohio.

So what would the Earth’s population have to sacrifice to make a dent? I have a few ideas. But, we all know none of them are ever going to happen….

1. Make Country Leaders Give Up Personal Jets

Right out the gate I’m taking a swing at politicians. Well, sort of. I’m not talking about government policies. I’m talking about the non-stop, gas guzzling trips made by most of the world’s leaders.  General air travel has skyrocketed after that pesky Luftwaffe was grounded in ’45. The “lower prices” and bigger airline fleets made air travel a practical reality. Until the early 21st century, that is. Now it’s nothing more than nickle and diming, TSA strip searches, and big shiny targets for terrorist groups.

Our world leaders need to be able to travel at a moment’s notice. They have to tour earthquake areas to acknowledge that, yes, buildings have been reduced to rubble. They need to attend state funerals for people they never knew for PR and, during election season, be able to drop themselves in whatever state they need to whore themselves in for electoral votes. But, isn’t this all outdated and nonessential? Let me answer that for you. Yes. Yes, it is.This is the modern age, you silly pillack. Everything’s virtual or digital… and other things that end in “al” I imagine. First, invest in a Skype or WebEx account. You don’t have to physically be everywhere to give your partisan speeches. Pipe that digital goodness into the Brazilian government‘s multi-purpose room. You don’t see Bin Laden jetting all over the West to distribute his messages of death and infidel fueled rage. It’s all recorded, baby, and posted online. Yes, he’s got a blog and their whole operation is hiding in a cave!

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Second, downgrade the bollocks out of the fancy pants transportation. Air Force One, do you really have to be the size of a jumbo jet? I’m thinking more of a Cessna or a Piper Cub. What? It’s just as secure as a gigantic jet aircraft. In fact, it’s even better. Everyone knows that small planes are infinitely harder to hit and easier to land when damaged (The Big Bopper thing was a fluke). Cram the president’s entourage into one of those things with a WiFi ready system and, Bob’s your uncle!

Trust me. I will look a lot better with the Presidential seal on it. Maybe a little less yellow.

2. Stop driving.

 We’ve all heard the non-stop ramblings about how the individual driver is really the cause of much of the Earth’s pollution. So? Billions of people drive every day. China and India have just started the joys of modern auto travel (modern for 1955, that is). Trust me, they’re not going to stop anytime soon. If anything, nations that are just entering their automobile phase are going to rape and poison the Earth in a fraction of the time it took North American and Europe. It’s going to get a lot worse before it gets better. Let’s face it, if China can’t be bothered to NOT add antifreeze to cough syrup, what makes you think they give a shit about emissions testing?

Mmm. Breathe in that fresh city air, Beijing.

Are you really serious about saving the environment, society? Then stop driving, unless your vehicle is hydrogen powered. What about the Toyota Prius? It’s rubbish. If the only alternative to good old fashioned fossil fuel burning automobiles is a car with a glorified D cell battery, it’s best not to drive at all.  Alright, fine. I suppose some vehicles could be allowed. Service vehicles like, trash trucks, UPS vans, and pizza delivery wagons. But, in the spirit of maximizing efficiency and radically lowering emissions, they all have to be the same vehicle. Just think of all that o-zone we would save with our trash-UPS-pizza delivery trucks!

In some cases, the pizza may actually taste better.

What about the children? Surely, they need transportation to school. Why bother? Each generation is getting progressively dumber. Society might as well admit defeat now and end schooling of any kind. Not only would it save billions of dollars, it would finally usher in the downfall of society we’ve all been waiting for.

3. Stop using electricity. Everywhere.

You read that right. I’m not talking about simply turning the lights out when you leave a room. I’m talking about turning the lights out forever. Do you know how much fossil fuel is used to generate electricity to run our televisions and industrial strength wall outlet powered marital aids? Neither do I, but I’m guessing it’s a lot.  Imagine the money your average Joe would save by jumping off the grid. Citizens of nations everywhere would save thousands of dollars a year without electricity bills! Alright, so some of that money would have to be invested in glow sticks. I suppose most households would have to find an alternative heat source, too. Our ancestors managed without electricity. They used fire for warmth, light, and cooking. What’s that? Burning wood is still polluting the environment? For fuck’s sake! You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

Not that you’re really going to be able to make too many cakes in our new electricity free world.

Kicking electricity to the curb may even enrich our society. Without electricity there will be no computers. Without computers there will be no blogs. It will no longer be easy for any half-witted dipshit to vomit typed out dumbassary for the masses. It will be like the old days, the sheer expense and effort weeding out the posers. We’ll have to go back to reading actual books and newspapers. I hear you, an increase in newspapers means the death of more trees, yadda, yadda, yadda. Well, society is going to need to wipe their asses with something. Newspaper is one hell of a multi-tasker! Just be sure to read BEFORE you wipe.

 

Wait until you read and wipe with the first print edition of The Fuse Was Too Cold.

4. Wipe out big chain stores.

Nothing embodies the crushing of the very soul of world commerce like the Wal-Mart or Target empire. Mom and Pop stores went the way of the Utah Raptor and Hammer pants. At first, we all cheered. Finally, there is somewhere to go for our economy sized enema needs! Want to buy a pair of boxers and a head of lettuce? At the same store? Well, my friend, you can do that. Never again will you have to make multiple trips to buy condoms, baby lotion, and duct tape.Well, I guess you’re not really serious about healing the planet, then. These gigantic chain and bulk stores are generating enough waste and energy consumption to make Mr. Burns blush.

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According to this article, states have accused Wal-Mart stores of polluting their water with shitty construction practices. Do you know how much electricity retailers need to refrigerate food, power lights, and operate the exit theft alarms that go off for no apparent reason? Our research tells us it’s a shit load [citation needed]. Even when the store is closed the energy consumption keeps trucking on. Do we really want to hurt our environment for a cheap 12 pack of socks and a case of Dr. Thunder? Well, I’m fine with it, but that’s just me.

What WOULDN’T we do for a 12 pack of Dr. Thunder?

Bring back the Mom and Pops. Not only will that diversify the market, it just might bring scurvy back in style. Quick, it’s the middle of winter in northern Saskatchewan and you want an orange. Tough luck. I guess you should just get used to those bleeding gums. Mom and Pop stores, although romantic and quaint, probably won’t be able to carry anything out of season. Your average corner shop may never be able to buy and stock anything outside of an affordable geographical radius. If a store owner was lucky enough to get a hold of a crate of Spanish clementines, they would have to jack up the price to, about, $10 an orange. Scurvy is cheaper.

5. No more concerts, rallies, or protests.

How many of us have a brilliant sexual, drug, or cop beating concert story to tell? Maybe at that Screaming Trees concert the midget next to you projectile vomited so hard at he actually propelled himself through the air. Or what about that rally/protest for something or other you’ll remember for the rest of your life? There’s nothing like showing up somewhere, en mass, to support/protest the troops/president/lactose/soap…. Seriously, there are rallies for anything these days. You don’t really have to know what you’re protesting about.

 

Be warned, Betty White.

It’s nice to know that people out there are willing to express their opinions and use their right to free speech while punching the environment in the face. The millions of people around the world that go on pilgrimages to see Winger live are also killing the environment. Well, in addition to murdering musical taste.

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem, Stewart.

 Think about it. For your average concert you’ll have one bus for the band, 10 or more trucks for the equipment, one bus for the whores, a catering entourage, a couple more buses for the crew, and a huge power supply for all those trippy lights. Take all of that and add the thousands upon thousands of cars driven by the attendees. Well, why not just set a baby deer on fire?

Go on. Do it. Get the lighter fluid and have at it you monster.

 Protests pretty much cover the same ground. Perhaps, the pinnacle of contradiction is when thousands of people, rock bands, and politicians blow a million tons of fuel to attend some sort of global save the world rally. The environment would be better off if everyone stayed home and live streamed Bono’s pretentious egotism on YouTube.

Little known fact: Bono’s ego and sense of self-satisfaction can power a city the size of London.

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Hey, Earth Day: Being Aware Isn’t As Good As Giving A Shit

By Roode

Earth Day. This is the day I’m supposed to prance around wearing shorts made of hemp and make out with trees. Right? No? No, wait, that’s Arbor Day.

We must appreciate trees. Mankind needs something to slash and burn.

According to the soon to be sentient Wikipedia (laugh, but it will be an event of SkyNet proportions) Earth Day is:

… a day designed to inspire awareness and appreciation for the Earth‘s environment.

Frankly, I’m not sure how we couldn’t be “aware” of the Earth’s environment. It slaps us in the face every minute of every day. Driving to the store: environment. Cutting the grass: environment. Smoking a cigar while burning a pile of bald tires: environment.

What? Is burning used tires a bad thing now?

The other part of the definition is “appreciation.” That’s not going to happen. Sorry, but appreciating something more than internet porn and schlitz with today’s society is too tall an order. The most recent generation doesn’t appreciate the gut-wrenching bullshit previous generations went through to ensure they can act like pretentious emo pricks. Little things like abolish slavery, win World War II, the Civil Rights movement, and the Industrial Revolution. We’re in the era of “Gimme Now, Gimme Fast.” For shit’s sake, kids, today, don’t know where the goddamn milk they put in the mochiatos comes from!

More mysterious than Bigfoot and less exciting than Game Stop.

Hey, I’m AWARE that grain alcohol will make me go blind. I just don’t CARE. Awareness, from cancer to butt crack exposure, doesn’t accomplish shit. Great! Now people are aware that the environment exists and taking a dump in someone’s well water is a bad thing. So, what now? Being “aware” is more useless than having Ellen Degenerous judging on American Idol.

Seriously, was Gallagher busy?

The trick is to get people to give a shit. I’m not talking about giving a shit on the same level as Ed Begley Jr. or the environmental equivalent to the Irish Republican Army, Greenpeace. There is a line between giving a shit and being an outright annoying and insufferable asshole. Especially when it seems like the biggest advocates are full of crap. We’re looking at you, Al Gore.

Sure, this guy is AWARE he’s taking a nap on the train tracks. He just doesn’t care.

The preachers of green doctrine want us to believe that the individual has the power to reverse global warming, heal the rain forests, and re-freeze glaciers.

This poor bastard got a head full of that doctrine. It got him an indescribable tank tread crushing .

Get ready, here it comes; I’m going to rain all over your environmental circle jerk parade.

Seek shelter, because this mother fucker is gonna pour!

I recycle, because my wife is annoyingly saintly. As a single man, it was perfectly acceptable for me to use my apartment as a land fill/future archaeological artifact pit. Most people won’t recycle unless they legally have to. In areas without mandatory recycling, people seem pretty content mixing their plastics with used condoms and broken dreams.

Above: Your plans to be a doctor and
Pabst Blue Ribbon fueled disappointment.

Take a look at your local airport next time you’re being pissed on by an airline. Most will have recycling bins next to regular old trash cans. People chuck their plastic bottles and paper in the trash can. The recycling bin is literally 1 inch away, but they STILL dump their recyclable shit in the refuse. Why? Because mankind is a species of lazy and thoughtless fuckers. Alright, MOST of mankind is a species of lazy and thoughtless fuckers. A healthy portion is just plain rock stupid. Even with step by step instructions, colorful maps, and cheerful muppets some people are still confused about the whole brown glass vs. clear glass deal.

Even Oscar the Grouch is feeling pressure from the green movement and he’s pissed about it.

You can completely greenout, reusing bacon fat and building a Rube Goldberg machine to separate your plastics from your used toilet paper. There is absolutely no guarantee that smelly mess you so painstakingly separated will make it to a recycling plant, let alone not be exported to a third world country with a healthy helping of medical waste. Take this epic bullshit play a couple of British recycling contractors [allegedly] pulled on Brazil. Worldwide Biorecyclables Ltd and UK Multiplas Ltd are accused of being liberal with their definition of plastic recyclables. In an alleged international act of douche-baggery, the companies threw in bags of blood and dirty syringes to round out the shipment. Hey, a little bit of medical waste never hurt anyone.

Oh, yeah.

Back to the “awareness” vs. “giving a shit” issue. There is no contest. “giving a shit” is the only savior the green movement has. Look at this way: the U.S. was quite “aware” that the Japanese bombed the shit out of Pearl Harbor. If this country stopped with “awareness” Hawaii would belong to the Japanese today. Standing around the shipyard pointing as you mumble to your adjutant, “I am aware the Arizonais sinking and there are tons of men trapped,” won’t really help the situation “Why, yes commander, we are aware Japan has kicked us in the nuts and declared war.” See how being “aware” absolutely didn’t do a fucking thing? You know what did? “Giving a shit.”

“I’m aware that another ship full of sailors over there has just sunk.”

Giving a shit” isn’t content to point its fingers around and count the damage. “Giving a shit” wants, no, DEMANDS we get off our asses and do something about it. While that “awareness” pussy is sulking on the dock, aware that another cruiser is on fire and sinking faster than a fat chick from a Tru TV reality show in a tub of fudge,”giving a shit” said, “Mother fucker! Find out what’s going on, who did it, and their home addresses. Let all of us work as one to a common goal. We will be strong in our unity and resolve!”

See what giving a shit gets you? Flaming hot, radioactive JUSTICE!

No, man. “Giving a shit” needs more. Don’t get me wrong. To “give a shit” you have to, first, become aware of the situation. Then you move the fuck on to constructive action. If your first urge after absorbing the Earth Day doctrine is to show up with a bunch of sandal wearing, hairy, slacked jawed, wannabe hippies toting signs, then my friend, you are part of the problem. FWTC can’t help you.

No, sir. We wash our hands of it.

Continuously bitching while holding signs and throwing environmentally friendly red paint on people to raise their awareness of animal abuse and shouting “You’re murders!” isn’t a way to make friends. It’s no where near the way to garner support for your cause. Especially if it’s during a thousand man BIKER RALLY. You, my hippie friend, will not accomplish jack. I mean other than getting your asses handed to you over and over again or being duct taped to the bitch seat of a biker’s ride, because his old lady couldn’t make it and you’re “close enough.” Ask this group what it got them.

People are aware this dude is taped to that tree. They just don’t give a shit.

Instead of regrouping and examining where they went wrong in their lives, the animal rights group became whinier and more self-righteous. In addition to the above treats, the soldiers in the “war against leather” found themselves being used as urinals, duct taped in fast food dumpsters, and encased in a silvery cocoon of duct tape in a tree (They truly are the Renaissance Men of duct tape). No, this is not a segment of Sons of Anarchy. If it were, it would be one of the coolest scenes ever! Shit! I just stopped writing to give myself a high five out of the sheer awesomeness a scene like that would bring. This shit went on for real this past January at the Johnstown, PA biker rally.

Pictured: Motorcycle enthusiasts that do not take being hit with red paint well.

But, Roode” I can hear some unwashed, meatless diet following, red paint spewing asstard say. “How can you say the individual doesn’t matter? Some of the greatest events in history have happened, because of 1 person.

First of all, shut the fuck up. I don’t even know you, but I can smell you over the interwebs. For the rest of you, NO. Individuals haven’t made a shit sack worth of difference. On their own, that is. Caesar didn’t change ancient Rome by himself. He had an ass kicking, ball busting army to help. Harriet Beecher Stowe may have written one hell of a tome about the injustice of slavery, but it was a shitload of individuals that fought against it and, finally, a government that had to outlaw it. Lincoln may have wanted to outlaw slavery in the second half of your Civil War, but if he was the only one, his ass wouldn’t have been elected in the first place.

“What? I’m the ONLY one that thinks slavery is a bad idea? Fine, let’s just go back to killing Indians.”

Not only does one person have to give a shit, tens of thousands have to. Finally, enough people will give a shit that the government HAS to take notice. This is the tricky part. The government can be “aware” of things until the sun turns into a bran muffin. They need to give a shit too or at least pretend for re-election. Or, in the case of the American Revolutionary War, get tossed out and replaced by a government that makes “give a shit” their motto (well, for 80 years or so). See? Giving a shit is a lot harder than it looks.

Let’s face it, giving a shit requires too much energy for most people. It’s a lot easier to bitch and moan while holding a protest line in front of a Carl’s Jr. You just stand there, chant ridiculous rhyming tag lines, and endure the police beatings that follow. So, you protesters and activists can go back to your display of awareness and hand holding. Maybe I’m wrong about all of this. I’m sure the Earth will be just fine for future generations with awareness, alone.

Oh.

Sincerely,
Roode