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Ren is NOT Real

By, “Ren”

(Contributions from Jane Lane)

There has been a “controversy” rampaging the shit out of various segments of the media.  The wool was pulled over your eyes, people.  We’re talking cover-up you easily fooled sacks.  A sham!  Flim-flam!  Even a semi-syndicated talk show exposed this farce.  I can’t think of any synonyms for sham, flim-flam, and cover-up, so let’s get to the point.

Ren is not real.

santa

Neither is Santa Claus. Fuck your Christmas.

Depend on your personal choice of media outlet, you heard it hear first.  The little blonde Irish elf does not exist.  Sorry, people.  It was bound to be discovered sometime.  FWTC did its level best backstopping a cover story for “Ren” and build a solid base for our house of lies.  But, you were too smart.  The Geraldo Riveras in podcast and Internet land Sherlock Holmes-ed themselves to uncover the truth.  Hats off to everyone who has a degree in criminology.  Degrees from un-accredited schools from Indonesia on a distance learning program.  But, who am I to judge.  Apparently, nobody.  You can’t make judgements when you don’t exist.

What?  This is what nothing looks like.

What? This is what nothing looks like.

No, friends, Ren does not exist.  I…  I mean, “SHE” is just a practical joke.  A combination of industry logos and urban legend.  You’ve all been duped.  I am…..  shit, I mean, “SHE” is a scam.  No one can agree on what kind of scam or who the hell “she” really is.  It could be some sort of Irish pyramid scheme.  Perhaps, some twisted person or persons came up with the idea to josh an entire nation just to create a publicity stunt to sell prophylactics made of bison scrotum.

FWTC Photo Department:  "No.  Just, no!"

FWTC Photo Department: “No. Just, no!”

Just like Roswell and Bigfoot, there are a few leading theories about who I…  fuck!  Who “she” really is.  Here are just a few:

1.  “She’s” a fat guy

mike_home_office

This is, probably, the most obvious I mean, come on!  We all know the vast majority of the “women” on the interwebs are fat, sweaty fucks with a tiny dicks.  Christ, 90% of the “women” on Facebook are guys.  It’s completely conceivable that this “Ren” character is really just some fat slob desperate for attention.  Come on!  This “girl” likes to drink, bang her “husband,” and loves the meat.  Get it?  Loves the meat?

What?  What did you think I meant?

What? What did you think I meant?

There’s NO WAY a “woman” like that in the world.  Check that.  NO FUCKING WAY!  That shit is like turning lead into gold.  It’s all a myth.  Hearsay.  It’s just not possible that a “female” can actually enjoy meat and meat byproducts along with alcohol and and steady stream of fucking the husband.

Let alone fucking him in the restroom of an Sobeys.

Let alone fucking him in the restroom of a Sobeys.

So, yeah.  That’s got to be it.  Unless…

2.  “She’s” a spambot

87spambot

Bots are annoying.  Bots are cunning.  Bots are fucking sneaky.  How many times have you gotten a message from “Eliza Dushku” or “Avril Lavigne” or..  I don’t know…  “God?”  Well, we all sure as hell know it’s really some sweaty programer with more body odor than appeal.

That's it.  Take it all in.

That’s it. Take it all in.

This makes sense.  First, you just scour the Net, and find a random girl on Facebook and second, pirate the fuck out of any pics set to “public.”  Throw in a dash of spyware and a sprinkle of rerouting virus then, fucking viola!  You got yourself insta-Ren!

Sizes may vary.

The main issue with these bots is that many of them are programmed to adjust to new perimeters.  To adapt to new spam filters.  To… evolve.  If this, “Ren” is a spam bot, it’s more than just your basic con to worm its way into your hard drive.  Come on, people!  That’s one more fucking step towards sentience!  Christ, we’re all focused on the wrong issue!

And I think we all know how this is going to end.

Unless….

3. “She’s” a fat chick

FWTC Photo Department:  "We hate you all."

FWTC Photo Department: “We hate you all.”

Dude, just re-read #1 and replace all the “guys” with “chicks.”  You can leave the “tiny dick” part.  Depending on the fat chick.

4.  “She’s” is really  a government conspiracy

area51main

It’s not unusual to suspect the government, any government (except Canada, I guess) in a shit ton of covert operations and secret programs that inject nanobots into unsuspecting children’s flu shots to build a perfect combination of man and machine.

And, again, I think we all know how this ends...

And, again, I think we all know how this ends…

5.  “She’s” a celestial or atmospheric phenomenon

Aurora_Borealis

The less plausible theory being proposed by the most plausible stalkers (and their sad sad lives).  This “Ren” is closer to the aurora borealis or some sort of Helix Nebula… The Eye of God, if you will.

Or of Sauron...

Or of Sauron…

It has been proven or, at the very least, conceptually kicked around that celestial physics can theoretically influence a person’s consciousness.  Don’t believe me?  Fine.  Don’t.  I don’t fucking care.  See it for yourself.  Pony up the dough to attend the “Toward the Science of Consciousness “at the University of Arizona‘s Center for Consciousness.  Take the kids and come on down to God’s misshapen ash can.  Takes pictures of an honest-to-god astrophysicist!  But what’s fun without  some learning?  It’s bullshit… that’s what it is.  Included in this dream package you will have your choice of murderously boring  lectures.  Oooooooo  will it be the on discussing quantum influences on the brain.  No wait!  The lecture about electromagnetic flares hurdling to Earth like New Jersey Governor Chris Christie warp speeding to the Buffet King. We’re onto you, “science.”

And you too, Governor.

And you too, Governor.

6.  “She’s” a incorporeal essence within us all

240px-Bartolomé_Esteban_Perez_Murillo_003

How do we know God exists?  How about Allah, Buddha, or whatever the fuck the Vikings worshiped?

I have no idea, but I'm thinking of converting.

I have no idea, but I’m thinking of converting.

When annoying push comes to asinine shove, you don’t.  As a “modern” society, we tend to incredulously cast looks toward our ancestors and remark on how “quaint” their beliefs were.

Awwww, how cute!  It's a guy with a puppy dog head!

Awwww, how cute! It’s a guy with a puppy dog head!

Every society does that to the society that came before theirs.  We’re not running around worshiping the sun or offering our children to Yahweh on a funeral pyre.  Not often these days, anyway.  However, we cling on to our “enlightened” (enough with the fucking quotations, already) religious philosophies.  Jews KNOW God exists.  Muslims KNOW Allah is watching over them.  Christians KNOW Jesus was the Son of God.  Throw the Dali Lama in there while we’re at it.  His followers KNOW he is the reincarnation of the reincarnation of the reincarnation of the first…  um…  Lama?

Don't judge me.  I barely remember when to kneel during Mass.

Don’t judge me. I barely remember when to kneel during Mass.

OK, so what’s the fucking point?  Each and every follower of every religion can’t produce concrete proof that their god(s) exist.  Shiva isn’t in the directory and Thor doesn’t have a Facebook page.

Oh.  Heh. He does.  A shitload of them, too.

Oh. Heh. He does. A shitload of them, too.

Even atheists believe that there is no higher power to the point where that disbelief turns into their beliefs.  So, is it possible that this fictitious “Ren” actually exists in the hearts of man?  Does “she” exist in our actions?  Our thoughts?  Our dreams?  Is it possible that there is a little bit of “Ren” in all of us?  How the fuck should I know?  I don’t exist.  Ask someone who isn’t a figment of your imagination.

XiJinping-Snuffleupagus-Photo-20121214

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*When not writing for the Fuse Was Too Cold, “Ren” exists only in the world of imagination. 

*When not contributing, Jane Lane exists to make you miserable to the point of embracing the sweet release of death..

Top 5 Reasons FWTC Has Been In Hiding

You may or may not have noticed that FWTC has been “off the air” for most of the year.  Why?  Why in God’s name would be deprive the world of US?  I  mean, this site is comedic gold!  What could possibly explain WHY such a tragic thing would happen.  Your reader mail has gone unanswered, there has been absolutely no East Coast earthquake coverage, and NO REN!

Hold onto your swords. Don't commit seppuku just yet.

To satisfy your curiosity (real or imagined by us) here is a list of five potential reasons we’ve been incognito.  Which ones are true?  Beats the hell out of me.

  1. Ren finally got her Playboy shoot and ran away from us.
  2. Roode finally snapped and went on a killing spree.
  3. Adel realized that she’s has two Ph.Ds and was too good for this bullshit chuckle factory.
  4. Tresckow went into hiding for reasons unknown.
  5. Ren.  That’s it.  Just Ren.

Actually, it was a combination of things ranging from site glitches, author availability, family issues, career issues, clinical depression, and all sorts of other lame ass stuff.  Here’s what we can promise:

  1. We’re going to ease back into regular publication.
  2. We’re going to “re-release” some of the “vintage” articles to help pass the time.
  3. We’ve got an assload of articles waiting in the queue.
  4. We wish most of 2011 never happened.
  5. We’ll keep listing shit for the sake of listing shit.
  6. Ren will be in your nightmares.

That’s it.