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Amnesia Lane: Halloween Pumpkin Carving: Gateway to Mass Murder

Yeah, it’s almost December and we’re just now putting this into the AMNESIA LANE chute.  Don’t care.  READ IT!  Who wouldn’t want to read about Roode’s pumpkin carving inadequacies?

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Article Fail; Charting the Death of a POS

By, Roode-

You would be surprised how often an artist had to try before he came up with his masterpiece.  Michelangelo had to carve countless dongs out of marble to get “David” just right.  I don’t know what he did with all the extras, but I’m pretty sure I have a guess.

It’s only a matter of time before some archaeologist finds this.

This is also true with FWTC.  As Tresckow pointed out here, many an idea for an article is shit canned, dies on the table, or sits in the queue until someone takes responsibility for it.  It’s not that all of these ideas suck (well, none of mine).  It’s just that, sometimes, we can’t make them work.  Even if we can, something comes along to ball- tag us into submission.  The server could shit its pants just before we hit “save.”  One of our computers will lock up and give us the finger.  Some dipshit (Tresckow) could click the wrong button and end up using a later version of the write-up and derail the train.  In any case, it happens to me, sometimes.  This instance isn’t because the subject sucked or that I couldn’t make it work.  It’s more like it was killed with an over abundance of laziness and cyber-bullshit clusterfuck.

Towards the end of 2010, Facebook’s Friend Finder bullshit was on everyone’s monitor.  It would outright lie and do its best to con your dumb ass into signing up for their thinly veiled market research campaign.  It pissed me off.  I know, it’s hard to imagine.  But, I shit you not, it sent me on more than one curse filled rant.  So, I figured I’d write an article about it.  Why not?  If Ren can pull a bit about ConAir out of her ass, I surely can spin hate-fueled gold.

The start: 

At this point, I’ve got a pretty good handle on things.  I’m raring to go and stayed up all night looking for new ways to say, “dick bag.” 

I remember when I never used Facebook.  Those were wonderful times.  I’m naturally pretty adverse to most technology; smart phones, navigation systems, online social media, shoes…  Look, the point is that I like life to be simple.

Still too complicated!

Here, I proudly admit to my complete monkey-dumbassary as far as technology goes.  As with most pieces on comedy websites, a well-trained author will throw in a little self-deprecating humour in an effort to pretend he’s on the same level as the readers.  That’s not true.  In actuality, the author is on a completely different plane of existence; too advanced to be understood by simple mortals and their love for ass-chapping reality television shows.

It took many a round of convincing by the wife that Facebook was a good tool to keep in touch with family and friends.  You know, the fuckers I try to stay away from.  But, as usual, I caved.  Yeah, I’m a complete sucker for my wife.  From angrily watching Glee with her to removing the frozen pizza from the box BEFORE I put it in the oven.

Set the stove on fire a few times and suddenly I’m the bad guy.

Yes, another jab at my baffling incompetence with being a functioning part of society.  Please note that I have, once again, put my wife on a pedestal, calling notice to her ability to both deal with my shit and walk through life doing every-ever-fucking-loving thing perfectly.  That, and I figured it’s a pretty good half-assed attempt in getting laid.  You know, build her up while making myself look like a stooge.  In case you’re wondering, it didn’t work.   

I signed up for FB, after answering a thousand shit eating questions.  Sure, I could have just opened an account and left it at that.  But, FB doesn’t play that game.  It mocks you every time you sign on.  “Hey!  Your profile is empty!”  “Why not add some interests?  Everybody else is doing it!”  Even if I can manage to avoid that social networking bastard’s taunts, fucker goes ahead and tells the world that I’m a slack ass.

STOP JUDGING ME!

Now, I still have a pretty tight grasp on where this article is going.  Remember, 1.  I hate technology, 2.  I hate Glee, 3.  Facebook is a bag of dicks. 

After I waded through all that touchy-feely bullshit I Ronco-ed that bad boy; set it and forget it.  One of the reasons I chose FB (other than my wife’s mysterious, yet sexy power over me) is that it didn’t have as many of those annoying aps as MySpace.  As soon as I got somewhat comfortable with my virtual existence I was hit by a shit storm of game invites, survey results, and constant advertisements calling me by name.

How do you know my name?! Who are you?!

Yeah, another compliment to the wife.  Look, I need all the help I can get.  I tend to get banished to the couch a lot.  But, my point is clear.  Facebook exploits a human’s basic need to play online games that aren’t worth two shits in Wyoming. 

Oh, Adel questioned the reference to Ronco; saying no one born after 1978 was going to get it.  As with everything else I’ve written, my philosophy is “Fuck you.”

Fuck it.  It’s not 100% intrusive.  These fucktarded ads are just in the left column.  There are ways to ignore bullshit Mob Wars and Whose-it-fuckis FarmVille/town/empire/concentration camp.  Wait.  FarmVille Concentration Camp may be something I’d get into.  Build your barbed wire fences little by little.  Earn enough funds from the government to hire all the guards you need.  And bullets…  lots and lots of bullets.

I can just feel that I’m going to hell for this.

 I’m particularly proud of this section.  “FarmVille Concentration Camp” is the best idea in the history of social networking.  Someone get on this NOW!  I once hammered out a complete schematic of how this game would work.  I had to draw it in pencil, because as you can tell, I suck royal ass at photoshop.  Once completed, I showed it around to a few friends for their take on it- you know; railway stations, mines, labour groups, random executions…  No one really said anything.  I just got a call from Amnesty International.

Then, that’s it.  It went off the rails.  No, my writing didn’t spiral down into a pit of hellishness not seen since Ugly Betty.  I banged out another page or two of ball-grabbing hilarity.  But, oh no.  Life gladly took my efforts on top of Mount Son-of-a-bitch and threw them over the side.

My computer and the FWTC server decided to have a pissing contest.  It didn’t matter who won, because I lost.  FireFox told me that my session lasted a little too long, so it had to shut it down.  So what?  The FWTC server generously supplied by wordpress updates and saves every few minutes.  I may lose that last joke about vagina hockey, but I can add it once I reopen the file.  See?  Easy!

They were all out of “Easy” buttons.

 Firefox decided it was imperative that I leave the website’s dashboard IMMEDIATELY!  Something got its panties in a bunch and it wanted to shut the whole fucking system down.  Alright.  Fine.  I’ll just click “save” on the dashboard and Bob’s your uncle.  Wait a second…

 What in fuck’s name just happened?  the WordPress dashboard won’t let me save my work.  In fact, it’s just staring at me like a retarded kid during a school bus ride.  I click “Save” once.  I click it twice; the little bastard just stands there.  The “Save” button doesn’t give a shit about me or  my needs.  I can’t go forward, because Firefox won’t let  me.  I can’t reason with the dashboard, because it, flat-out, wants to see me in a rage that will take the house and half the block with it.  Hmmm.  The back arrow isn’t all grayed out.  It’s my only choice, I guess.  Otherwise, I’m going to be sitting in front of this fucking computer forever.

Pretty much the scenario I was in.

So, as I usually say when cars, computers, alcohol, and kids are concerned, Fuck It!  The back arrow is my friend.  It has to be.  I just lost a day’s work here.  Something has to still be hanging around on one of the previous windows.  Right?

 FUCK!  That sure as hell didn’t work!  It skipped a few dozen pages and took my ass to a page visit from two days ago?  Why?  Who’s fucking with me?  One of the greatest masterpieces of all times is getting shit-canned because, the cyber-world is being a little bitch.  All I wanted to do is complete this article, get it copy edited, then click “send.”  BAM!  Off to the next.

Well, when there’s hope, there’s someone to kick you in the head with an iron boot!  I backtracked all the previous versions of my article.  WordPress makes it relatively easy to compare and contrast versions just in case you want to include that line about that fat lady being arrested for causing a ruckus (to all you motherfuckas- sorry, I was channeling Busta Rhymes for a second) on that quiet car on that Amtrak train going from Oakland, CA to Salem, OR.  I can’t quite remember if I called her a “douche bag with a phone attached” or “illiterate, obnoxious fat ass.”  So, I go back into my archives (or versions as WordPress calls them) and check the older saved versions.  That would have worked on any other day.  Today is not any other-fucking day.

Yup. That was pretty much my day.

 The most recent version that was saved was waaaaay back when I first started the article.  It had a title and the by-line.  That’s it.  I was miffed.  Maybe, a tad upset.  Fine!  I threw my keyboard out the window.

Happy now? Feeling good about yourself to out me as a rage-a-holic?

But, I couldn’t let my loyal fans (fan?) down!  I diligently pieced together the article, calling upon my photographic memory to fit the puzzle together.  After a couple of hours I was stoked.  Screw the last version of the article!  This one is IT!  THIS ONE!  It’s funnier, more offensive, and more ROODE than all the other versions combined.  I AM ALL THAT IS MAN!

I hit “save” and sent a message to Tresckow that my future Nobel Prize worthy article was ready for copy editing.  Now all I had to do was sit back and wait for the final product; a few funny pics here and there, some grammar correction, maybe a new variation on the term “ball sack…”  That’s right, Jack.  I was sitting pretty.

Somehow, some way Tresckow managed to fuck it up.  Who the hell knows what happened?  He hit the wrong key?  Spilled whiskey on the keyboard?  Called the server a reach-arounder?  In any event, once again, my article was thoroughly punched in the taint.  Half of it disappeared like in a bad Chris Angel sketch (sort of redundant).  What I was left with was the original half of the article I lost a day before.  Whether I was sabotaged, because of jealousy of my AWESOME writing skills or the server really wanted to dick me over; one thing was very clear:

 

Have You Seen Me? Saint Patrick’s Day May Have Claimed Ren

By Ren-

*Editor’s note:  Ren was last seen preparing for her Saint Patrick’s Day dumbassary Thursday morning.  She instructed us to publish this “farewell” letter in the event of her disappearance.  Since we haven’t seen her for well over 24 hours, we figured now is as good of a time as any.  That and Roode wants to get started deleting all her articles as soon as possible.

Dear friends, admirers, worshipers, family, and the various stalkers I’ve grown fond of,

If you are reading this, then I am already (circle all that apply) gone/dead/passed out/in Yakima/detained by Canadian authorities.  I assure you that I was awesome until the very end.  But, you would expect nothing less of me, your reason for living.

It's OK. There's no shame in admitting I'm your sunrise.

Saint Patrick‘s 2011 feels different from all the others in the past.  I feel that I may not make it back.  There is something in the air.  Some sort of morose stillness envelops the town.  It’s as if fate is telling me that this may be the Normandy of Saint Patrick’s Days.  That and the $2 Jameson and $3 Guinness special I saw in the paper.  Let’s face it, that’s just putting a lit match next to a whisky soaked powder keg.

Oh, just fucking kill me.

As I prepare for what may be my last day (circle all that apply) on earth/ in Montana/in the United States/in the Pacific Northwest/outside of federal custody, a calmness washes over me.  This is something I must do.  If not for me, then for my Irish ancestors.  Saint Patrick’s Day was never an Irish holiday.  No, Micks don’t need to have a “holiday” as an excuse to drink.  I mean, I’m drinking right now.  Even so, the Irish are under a lot of pressure to show you wannabe Irish how it’s d0ne.  We have to kick it up a notch.  While you swill on Coors, we gulp Guinness.  While you drink your Jack Daniels, we up the game with Shannahan’s.  Long after your sorry asses are carted off to the ER to have you stomachs pumped, we’ve tapped our fourth keg.  You’re fucking lightweight Irish posers is what I’m saying.

Sure, many of you will end up with a skull shattering hangover the next morning.  I assure you, my kind is still fucking drinking.  After you’ve spewed the technicolored yawn into your toilet (or in your roommate’s shoe), we’ve had our fifth bar fight…  that morning.  Your mortal way of killing your liver and drinking years off your life means nothing to us.  We, as a people, need more.  Much more.

Babies.

Quick, ,where is the strangest/most awkward place you’ve ever come to after an all night bender?  Shut up!  I don’t need to hear it.  I already know it’s lame.  Unless your story includes ice skates, a Canadian Mountie, or something with a tennis racket and the windshield of a car, spare me.  Amateur.

Hey, this kind of shit happens.

Anyhoo, what the hell was I saying?  Oh yeah, I’m better than you.  But, you already knew that.  Don’t get me wrong, I love you little people.  The obscene letters help get me through the day.  I know it has been your privilege to know, nay, LOVE me.  My absence will make your lives shallow and meaningless.  Quite frankly, I’m not sure how you can go on without me.

I'm not advocating anything here. Just making an observation.

Alas, I enter this Saint Patrick’s Day wide-eyed and packing a ton of Excedrin.  It will be a battle of wills.  On one side you have every drop of alcohol in the county.  On the other, me; a little blonde Irish girl with big dreams.  If I go down, I’ll go down fighting.  Or, I may go down on one of those hot bartender chicks.  I’ll do that before I go down fighting.  Shit, I lost my train of thought now.

Like I'm not gonna get me some of that.

So, as you hear the news of my (circle all that apply) death/detainment/immigration/enlistment/crime against humanity by way of (circle all that apply) family/friends/co-workers/classmates/CNN/Interpol, please know that I went out MY way; yelling Gaelic curses and double fisting whisky bottles.  Maybe there was a moose involved?  I don’t know, my track record for drunken chicanery is pretty extensive.

Can't a girl snuggle with her beer bottle without being labeled a "drunk?"

So, always remember me.  Don’t just remember me as a writer, a student, or a sex object.  Remember me as awesome.  And as a sex object.  I like that one, too.

There's no reason to put this sexy pic of Sarah Shahi here. I just think she's smoking hot.

Póg mo thóin!,

Ren

PS:  Of course, I could have just made an ass of myself and woken up in the lap of a mime (again).  If that’s the case, disregard all the above.  Well, except for the parts about me being awesome and a sex object.

Halloween Pumpkin Carving: Gateway to Mass Murder

By Roode

Kids love Halloween. It’s the one time of year they can get free candy that doesn’t involve creepy old men in bathrobes. Adults love it, because it’s the one time of they year that dressing up like Tyra Banks isn’t exclusively for drag queens.

Remember when Jamie Fox was funny? Of course you don’t.
§

I don’t dress up. I don’t trick or treat. I don’t have kids so I’m not forced to pretend I give a shit. This may surprise some of you, but I’m not a happy go lucky holiday celebrating person. I wouldn’t put up that fucking Christmas tree if I didn’t get a guilt trip from the wife each and every “have to buy new strings of lights because the ones from last Christmas never fucking work” year. I suggested we just forgo the tree one year. It was like I proposed we put on cleats and go kitten stomping.

My bags are always packed for the latest guilt trip provided by The Wife Travel Agency.
§

Last weekend I hung out with Ren. I was bored and sober. I knew that belligerent Irish drunk had booze. I had wifey in tow for a low key Saturday evening. Adel was out of town making plans for her wedding (that’s right kids- more on that another time) and who the hell knows what Tresckow was doing. Maybe storming Poland?

Tank rental is surprising affordable.
§

I was quite happy to sit there, watch TV, and suck down Guinness. The hens were yapping in another room and Commando was on TV. Awesome! Beer, violence, and HDTV. I defy you to come up with a better combination. Defy you, I say!

Somewhere around the part when Schwarzenegger is slaughtering the island army lead by Nick Tortelli Ren had the most horrible idea since CNN’s coverage of the Michael Jackson funeral. “Hey! Let’s make Jack O’Lanterns.” Bitch.
Sure, I protested. You married guys out there know resistance is futile. Over the years my “Fuck it! Whatever!” switch developed a hair trigger. I learned about three years into married bliss that it’s the path of least resistance that gets you laid. So, when someone has a fucktarded idea like this and the wife is into it, fuck it. I’m as powerless as Valtrex is on TilaTequila.

This fucker is pretty much always set to “on.”
§
I knew I was in for a rocket ship to a ball taggingly painful night when it took the girls 30 minutes to find the right pumpkins. It was the like the Goldilocks of pumpkin searching. This one is too small. This one has too many bumps. This one has a funny looking stem… damn it! At this point I didn’t give a shit if the son-of-a-bitch was oozing blood while demonic voices chanted an ode to Satan. Why the fuck can’t women find ANYTHING in under half an hour? Holy yeti piss, the fucker’s going to end up a rotting corpse on the stoop anyway.

Pictured: Good investment.
§

After buying four medium sized pumpkins (four, because the odds of fucking up are excellent when you’ve been drinking since 3) we carted the orange bastards back to the house. First off, let me say it’s completely fucking ridiculous the amount of goddamn work you have to put in just to cut the top off. Then, there’s a shitload of stringy, gag reflex slapping innards that have to be scooped out. This shit looks, feels, and acts wrong. Not only does it feel like goopy, stringy shit from a camel with diarrhea, it’s nye impossible to keep it in one place. If you’re lucky, it just falls on the floor like so much spaghetti of the damned. If you’re not so lucky, it can find its way into your pants. Don’t fucking give me that look. It happens.

Look at this putrid, stringy mess and tell me you don’t want to blow chunks.
§

It’s not over yet. Oh no, there’s more labor intensive bullshit waiting to play ping pong with your dangly parts. Now you have to scrape the meat of the friggin thing. There’s nothing remotely appealing about that phrase. Scrape the meat? That conjures up all sorts of fucked up Donner Partyimages.

Delish.
§

Hold on! Before you start scraping chunks of pumpkin meat, you need to know two things; 1) No kitchen utensil in the known world is built for this and 2) if you take too much out the whole fucking thing will collapse. Who knew this was a science?

I don’t know, Bill. Maybe there is no cure for Jack O’Lantern carving rage.
§

Of course, my wife is a friggin genius with this shit. She’s the artsy crafty one. I’m the one that gets pissed off and dynamites random things in nature. Ren, the dumbass that came up with the idea, redefined suck. She bought one of those stencils that is supposed to help you carve designs. That fucker was too complicated for a drunken Mick. It didn’t end well.

After giving up on ever stenciling this thing right, she decided to carve the fucker with a hammer.
§

Well, that gourd was out of commission. Mine, on the other hand, was still in the race. Sure, it frustrated me a little…

The fucker had it coming.
§

This sucks! Who started this butt fucking tradition anyway? Liquored up, pissed off people shouldn’t be asked to hack the almighty shit out of produce. That’s how Bundy got started.

Bundy.
§

After another (4) beer, I went back to the taunting, round poop stain. OK, I just stabbed it a few times. It’s fixable. I’ll just get to work cutting out the nose and smile. This shit has to be getting me brownie points with the wife, right? RIGHT? Besides, I know I can do better than Ren’s second attempt.

I’ve never seen a Jack O’Lantern with Downs Syndrome before.
§

I decided, then and there, that I would not be defeated by a piece of fruit… or vegetable… whatever. With each slip of the knife and fucked up tooth, I started to fantasize about setting fire to all its smug ass brethren. All of a sudden I understood punkin chunkin. Its not a bunch of drooling momma’s boys who smell like a mix of body odor and Red Bull (not exclusively, anyway). It was mankind’s way of getting back at those sack lickers.

This may have cost more money and time than any sane person would invest,
but, it must be therapeutic to see that mother launched into the air and disintegrate on impact.
§

When the dust settled, there were three Jack O’Lanterns. Mine looked like it was married to Ike Turner. Ren’s did an amazing Sling Bladeimpersonation. My wife’s… that’s not important. Shut up!

One of these days she’s going to fuck SOMETHING up and I’ll be there to see it.
§

If the night wasn’t rage inducing enough, this Jack O’Cock Knocker saved the best for last. As soon as I picked it up to carry outside the asshole started to cave in. Remember that whole don’t scrape too much of the meat off thing? Well, guess what? I didn’t fucking pay attention to that at all. The face started collapsing faster than Michael Jackson’s cosmetic surgery (yes, two MJ references in one article. I’m not proud).

Stick a candle in his skull and it’s the spitting image of my imploding Jack O’Lantern.
§

It was over. The damn thing didn’t even stay together long enough for me to make it out the door. I snapped. To quote a great philosopher, “That’s all I can stands and I can’t stands no more!”

Wise beyond his years.
§

I bellowed “Fuck you gourd!” OK, so it was a bit loud and I’m pretty sure someone called the cops, but I didn’t give a shit. This sadistic orange fuck has toyed with me for too long! I let it drop to the ground and I nailed the mocking tea bagger in the mouth. That’s right, pumpkins everywhere can eat me. It’s on now. Every assclown pumpkin I find will die. I hereby declare my plan for pumpkin cleansing! Pumpkins, watch your backs (wherever the fuck your “backs” are). It’s war now!

He was, but the first to fall!
Sincerely,
Roode

A Half Assed Alcoholic’s Guide to Invading Canada

by, Ren-

You know where Canada is, right? It’s that giant wasteland north of Montana where they try to pass curling off as a sport and ham as some sort of exotic bacon. Yeah, that maple leaf flag place with pictures of the Queen on their money. It also happens to be where Roode is from. Yuppers, Roode is Canuckian. We all knew there was something wrong with him. I mean other than the whole rage-a-holic who sneaks into the women’s bathroom categorizing cartoon women he would lay watercolor pipe to thing.

The janitorial version of hockey, I guess. Next, the sawdust on puke competition.


Before some pug nuts accuses me of being anti-Canada and writing hate speech, let me set everyone straight. I like Canada. I’ve visited often. Some of my best friends hail from the Great White North. In fact, I love how some of Canada’s citizens celebrate their patriotism.


I’m an alcohol enthusiast. I dare say I can give Tresckow a run for his money; which is to say drink his Eliza Dushku obsessed ass under the table. Sure, he drinks a bottle of bourbon while watching Hell’s Kitchen. That’s kid stuff. My people refer to whiskey as “water.” You got it, my family is right off the potato boat. My Irish ancestors invented the bar fight, alcohol poisoning, and booze fueled domestic abuse. In short, Momma can drink like a champ. So, why not exercise my drinking muscles once in a while? Hey, I drink responsibly. I always cut myself off when I lose consciousness.

No, this isn’t me. I don’t drink shitty beer and I’m a fuckload cuter.

Not too long ago, my merry little band decided to go bar hopping. It’s the tried and true tradition of crashing a bar, drinking to the point of arguing with one of the bar stools, then moving on to the next pub before the cops arrive. It’s never a good idea to wing your itinerary. To hedge your bets, you really should plot out your drunken flight path with Google maps. It just helps avoid the inevitable geographical catastrophe. What about your cell phone’s GPS? Forget it. You can barely dial drunk, let alone use any application that requires more than just yelling at the phone.

And this is just using the key word “bars.”

Fridays bring out the worst in drunks. Especially if that drunk is a booze swilling, obscenity spouting, potato farming Mick. Hey, I can say that shit. I’m Irish. Not just Irish, but NORTHERN Irish. It’s not a racial slur if you’re talking about your own people. Your own smashed, whiskey gulping, fighting mad drunk people. Éirinn go Brách! Póg mo thóin!

We’re not exactly in the cradle of civilization over here. It’s an arctic tundra during the fall, winter, and spring and a sadistic Easy Bake Oven in the summer. As with most of this part of the country, civilization is completely spread out. If what you want isn’t in the town you’re in, you’re pretty much shit out of luck. You’re going to have to sit there and live without a Snuggie. If you can call that living. Or, you can suck it up and drive the two hours to the next town with a fully operational Bed Bath and Beyond.

Yes, I know this is just a backwards, terry cloth version of a Jedi’s robe
and it just might be the most ridiculous “As Seen On TV” product known to man.
Don’t ask a girl to explain. I just fucking want one!

A good, hardcore pub crawl in this area is only for the dedicated. I can completely use up all the bars worth going to in one city with ease. It’ll take your professional bar hopper no time to vanquish the worthwhile watering holes. Where do you go from there? You take your wasted show on the road. That’s precisely what we did.

Take that shit on the road!

Someone had the brilliant idea to just “head north.” Why not? Like I said, everything in this God forsaken state is a hundred miles away from everything else. Bars (the acceptable ones, anyway) tend to cluster in decent sized towns and cities. I’ve learned to keep the fuck out of back road shit holes with a flickering sign that simply reads “BAR.” I’m way too girlie, have too many teeth, and 200 pounds too light for syphilis rampant road houses.

.
Sorry, dude. Still no deal.

The only one of us not investing in a future case of Sclerosis of the Liver was the designated driver. That poor son-of-a-bitch had to drive our belligerent alcohol soaked asses from bar to bar. Before you start feeling too sorry for him, take this into consideration: 1) He’s one of those Canadian people, 2) he got to watch a couple of the girls play a drunken game of “make out and giggle,” and 3) I’m pretty sure I let him cop a feel a few times. That last part is a little hazy.

Bar by bar we worked our way North, hitting a string of towns and the only “city” in that area, Great Falls. Being nice and liquored up, it was decided that the trek North shall continue! Hey, our DD knows a pretty awesome bar a little further North. We totally should go! Fuck yeah! NORTH! BAR! GO!

Point that arrow thingy to N and move out!

This is when it all gets a little muddy. I remember a strip club that had some pretty rock’n wings. I want to say one of the girls ended up dry humping the stripper pole on stage (Jesus, I hope it wasn’t me). Someone brought a monkey, because the monkey knocked over the drink cart. What I clearly remember is our DD getting obliterated on shots of grain and Captain Morgan. Alright, whatever. So we’ll have to find a place to crash and sleep it off. After kindly turning down an offer for shelter from a nice man in a trench coat and sunglasses, we all decided to get a hotel room, collapse, and each engage in our own, personal vomiting ritual.

Post a sign all you want, society. I’m still going to do the Technicolor yawn in your bushes.
 

As pleasant as it may be to pack 5 people who smell like stale alcohol, vomit, and vanilla cupcakes (that one has me baffled), the first thing you want to do when you rejoin the world of the living is get the holy fuck out of that room and get some fresh air. Okay, I did take a few quick seconds to take a couple cell pics of the rest of my party in strange, passed out positions. What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t?Having no recollection of where we were, what hotel we were in, or why my underwear was now blue instead of green (I could have sworn I put on green undies before this whole thing began), I stumbled out of the building. Thank God. Finally, somewhere that doesn’t smell like a bus station in Belfast. Sun? WTF? Oh yea, I have a hangover. I scanned the area looking for someplace to get a few dozen cups of black coffee and more whiskey (hair of the dog and all). My poor eyes were just slits. They hated the sun too.

The sun is such a dick when you have a soul crushing hangover.

I started walking around looking for a combination Starbucks-liquor store. Hey. There sure are a lot of cars with Canadian license plates. Damn Canucks, always coming to this state, eating our food, breathing our air… Damn, Alberta? Most of the tags were from Alberta. What, is there some sort of Albertan invasion of Montana? Dude, take it.

I noticed something else that seemed strange to me. The speed limits in this town are absurdly high.

Holy vehicular homicide, Batman!

Oh, wait. The sign continues. Hmm, there is more writing under the numbers. Shit, I hate lowering my head. My eyeballs hurt. My neck hurts. If it was important it would be in my line of sight. Holding my chin with my hand, I slowly lower my entire head, using the least amount of neck power possible. I have no doubt that I looked like a little blonde mental case. This shit better be worth it.


KM/H? Canadian car tags? Alberta? The smell of cooked ham on pizza? Did I hear someone say “Aboot?” Aboot? Eh? Alright, let me do the math. Ugh, my head. No. Concentrate. Whose thong is this in my pocket? STOP! THINK. KM/H. Canadian tags. “Aboot.” This all sounds familiar. God, I want a slice of pizza. Maybe one with Canadian bac….. FUCK! It can’t be! How the shit did this happen.

I thought the US flag looked strange. It’s all maple leafy…

We went North, alright. The damn hoser DD did know of a kick ass place to party. He just left out the part about crossing international borders. Canada? The four of us from a country that’s had a flag for more than 50 years were a might concerned. Not so much about Canada; I mean who’s concerned about Canada? It was more about re-entering the United States and dealing with border security, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, and the fun time guys in Homeland Security. Did I mention none of us had our passports? I should have mentioned that none of us had our passports. Who the fuck takes their passport along when going on a bar crawl? Apparently, I should have. Come on. We managed to get into Canada without papers. Five sloppy drunks drove over the border without so much of a “Hey there,hi there, ho there, Eh.” How hard will it be to slip back over?

shit.

Canada is the roach motel of North American countries. I’m not comparing the nation to a poisonous roach infested trap, so don’t get your panties in a bunch, Canada. It’s more like Americans can enter, but they can’t leave sort of thing. Obviously, no one gives a flying fuck who enters Canada. But, when you want to turn around and drive the other way, there’s a problem. You see, the US is all bent out of shape about terrorism and terrorists sneaking past the border from Canada and doing harm unto us. Hey, that’s a legitimate concern. The problem is that its nyeim-fucking-possible to secure a 3,142 mile long border. In the good old days, if you lived close enough, you could pop into Canada and back, no questions asked. Today, fuck you! You’re a terrorist until we can prove otherwise. I sure as shit fit the profile being 5′ 1″ 100 pounds, pale, and blonde. I’m part of the little known Al Qaeda cell made up completely of angry Mick leftovers from the PIRA (IRA to you slaves of movie pop culture).

But, when the Irish found out that whiskey and Guinness were forbidden by religious law, they promptly gave everyone the finger and went to the nearest pub.

After the last of us came to, we decided to make a break for it. Our Canadian DD couldn’t remember exactly how we came in. It seemed like every secondary road was blocked from the Alberta side. Awesome! They’re just waving people through! We might just pull this off!

Fuck.

Before I knew it, a couple of officers from the Royal Canadian Mounted Police knocked on our window. Our ship was sunk. We were caught. Maybe it was because the car reeked of vomit and Irish Car Bombs. Maybe it was because I said the phrase “Irish Car Bombs.” Whatever it was, the Horsemen nabbed us and impounded the car. Why? Fucking racial profiling, man!

Once again, four out of the five of our little posse came from the States. Out of that four, exactly ZERO could offer any sort of paper work to the RCMP, let alone US border patrol. Our state drivers licenses were useless. My attempt to seduce my way out of Canadian custody fell flat. Great. Now I have self-esteem issues to boot. Fucking Mounties.

For the record, we were “detained” not arrested. There’s a mile of difference. Being arrested involves jail and a cavity search. Being detained entails a lot of retarded questioning, bad coffee, and constantly reaffirming that when you said “Irish Car Bomb” you meant the damn drink.

Don’t you Sasquatches mix drinks?

It was a chicken and the egg routine. In order to get past the border, we needed our passports. In order to get our passports, we needed to get past the border. Our options were:

  1. Have someone mail them to us while we wait in Calgary, in custody.
  2. Get shipped to the US Embassy in Ottawa.
  3. Have someone drive to the border checkpoint and bring them to us.
  4. Undertake a Steve McQueen type “Great Escape.”

We didn’t have enough shovels or Charles Bronson to complete number 4. Number 1 and 2 would just take us deeper into Canada; the OPPOSITE direction we needed to go. Not to mention staying longer than humanly possible. Number 3 seemed the most possible. I knew precisely who to recruit. My big brother! That’s it! He lives where this whole carnival of dipshittery began. That was only a mere… 1… 2… 4… 6 hours away! That’s practically down the road.

After some convincing, pleading, and threatening to tell everyone that he secretly watches iCarly when no one’s around (oops), he reluctantly agreed. It took him over an hour to locate and secure all four of the needed passports. A friend of his tagged along for the ride to watch the hilarity ensue. Joke’s on that asshole. He doesn’t have a passport, so the border patrol made him wait on the US side while my brother drove through. HA!

I was free! Even though, I’m damn sure I was entered in some sort of Albertian-Canadian-Canuckian watch list.

I’m sorry, Ms. Ren. You seem to be a person of interest…

I suppose I should be grateful that it was the RCMP that kicked up a fuss and not Homeland Security. I’m not sure I could take a stint in Gitmo. I guess I should be grateful that my brother made a 12 hour round trip to bail his little sister out of an international bind. But, dude, some of those strippers at the club were HOT!