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Amnesia Lane: Halloween Pumpkin Carving: Gateway to Mass Murder

Yeah, it’s almost December and we’re just now putting this into the AMNESIA LANE chute.  Don’t care.  READ IT!  Who wouldn’t want to read about Roode’s pumpkin carving inadequacies?

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5 Better Ways the Grinch Could Have Stolen Christmas

By, Adel-

So, the other day, How the Grinch Stole Christmas was on tele.  Per usual, I watched it.  It’s hard to ignore things like that from your childhood.  My son loves the program, but seems to root for the Grinch.  He makes me so proud.

Don't worry, my boy. We'll get it all back someday.

The clever boy that he is, he pointed out that the Grinch didn’t really steal Christmas.  He just stole “things.”  As long as the Whoos were still around, they would keep Christmas alive in their hearts. I sat there and pondered his observation for a bit.  He was completely right.  It’s not possible to steal an entire day, let alone one with such reverence and centuries of religious ideology.  The little furry buggers would still sing, wish each other a “Merry Christmas,” and be as annoying as ever.  No, sir.  It wasn’t the day that was the problem.  It was the Whoos.  They were the problem.  In order to effectively end his torment, the Grinch has to dispatch of them. ALL of them.

Get it?

But how?  How could the Grinch take care of his Whoo problem in one, efficient moment?  Well, building a bloody sled, making a Santa costume, and dressing up your little dog sure as hell won’t help.  He has to get creative.  Luckily, human history is riddled with pointers for the person who wants to wipe out an entire people.

Look, don't give me shit about this.

1.  Nuclear explosion

Perhaps the most obvious way to take care of the Whoo menace is to detonate a nuclear warhead in the center of town.  It’s fast, thorough, and (if done correctly) will leave the area completely uninhabitable for decades.  The Grinch lives far away on a mountain top.  There’s a good chance that the trade winds will blow the fallout away from his cave.  However, just to be safe, he will want to invest in the proper safety equipment.  Hey, to solve the problem, one must make sacrifices.  The bastard is already green and covered with fur.  How much more damage can radiation do?

Plant it under their town Christmas tree. It's brilliant!

Alright, some of you may wonder how the Grinch could get his green hands on such a device.  Apparently, it’s not too difficult.  With thousands of surplus Soviet nuclear weapons out there, every half assed wanker with enough cash and a certain level of insanity can start his own collection.

It's more fun than drunk dialling South Korea.

2.  Blankets infected with small pox

This method of extermination is nothing new.  Conspiracy theories tell us the US Army perfected this little ditty in the 19th century when it wanted to get rid of those pesky Plains Indians.  Well, that’s what wannabe Indian and political controversy whore Ward Churchill would have you believe.  This story is, more than likely, a complete fabrication and a poor attempt to shoehorn douche bag behaviour into history.

(Allegedly) Making shit up and stealing from others is fun!

Regardless of whether the US Army actually did this or not, it’s a viable option for our grinchy fellow.  Under the guise of making peace, he can have crates of infected blankets sent to every Whoo in Whooville.  He just wants to make sure they are all warm and snuggly throughout the winter.  But, wait.  Something is wrong.  One Whoo gets sick.  Then another.  Then another.  They’re dropping like flies now!  I guess the Grinch kept the small pox vaccine all to himself.

Oh you magnificent, ethnic cleansing bastard!

3.  Fuel-Air Bomb

A Fuel-Air bomb is a thermobaric weapon that, quite literally, sucks in all the available oxygen and sets the surround atmosphere on fire.  This gives you all the horrific face melting punch of a nuke, without those pesky radiation side effects.  The only issue is that this Satan-spawn engine of destruction must be dropped on its target.  I’ve watched How the Grinch Stole Christmas many times.  I don’t recall ever seeing an airplane hangar carved into the mountain side, so it’s safe to say he doesn’t have adequate air transportation.  He could have a helicopter sitting on a pad somewhere, but the topography of his mountain makes it terribly unlikely.

No. That's avalanche territory.

Given the Grinch’s knack for building, I have no doubt he is fully capable of constructing some sort of rudimentary catapult on his mountain top in order to sling that bad boy to its target.

4.  Zombiefication

If Zombiland has taught me anything, it’s that the walking dead are dumber than a bag of hammers and easily killed.  An assortment of other zombie movies show that, once the human food supply runs out, they start to feed on each other.  It’s a win-win for the Grinch.

I’m going to skip over how, exactly, our green genocide machine can acquire the needed  mutant gene/bio-weapon/magic spell.  It’s the bloody Dr. Suess world.  If those little hairy tossers in Whooville can invent completely ridiculous contraptions to play with (and they work), then the Grinch can be just as resourceful and get his hateful hands on some zombie-making fuel.

If this monstrosity can exist, surely so can a Whoo zombification super weapon.

Once the plan is in motion, that yellow eyed engine of hate can sit back and watch the fun.  What he chooses to do is completely up to him.  For a little sport, he can set up shop on a rocky outcrop of his mountain fortress and pick off the zombie Whoos one by one with a high-powered rifle.  Or, if he’s in the mood for something more passive, simply watch the Whoos turn on each other and feast, feast, feast.

Looks like they've already started.

5.  Poison the Town’s Food and Water Supply

If the Soviet occupation of Afghanistan taught us anything it was that the fastest way of eradicating an entire town is by poisoning their food and water supply.  Well, that and the historical precedent of easily invading Afghanistan, but being unable to leave it once you’ve finished.  That’s another story, entirely.

Chances are Whooville’s water comes from a source in the high mountain tops surrounding them.  Perhaps a cold mountain stream like the one shown in the Coors commercials.  Yes.  Just like that, but without the horrible, tasteless moose piss that is Coors Light.

All I'm saying is that your beer of choice shouldn't look like a urine sample.

As with old Cold War nuclear weapons, there are multiple caches of unused biological weapons dating back to the First World War.  He doesn’t even have to break into the Deseret Chemical Depot in Utah and pinch a few pounds from their stockpile of over 6000 short tons.    That’s a good thing, because 1. He will, more than likely, be killed trying to break in and 2. He won’t have to set foot inside Utah.  If given the choice between the two, choose death.

Pictured: Fate worse than death.

Luckily, our Grinchy Grinch doesn’t have to make that decision.  No, sir.  This green embodiment of Whoo hate can wait for the shells of World War I mustard gas to come to him! A clamming vessel off the shores of Long Island is hauling this stuff in like there’s no tomorrow.  There won’t be a tomorrow if someone drops one of those bad boys.

Future, shmuture. We want to dump our chemical weapons now!

These are just a few ideas off the top of my head.  No doubt the Grinch could come up with a dozen more ideas; all equally effective and horrific.  Then, he doesn’t have to worry about sneaking into every Whoo house in Whooville, stealing all their decorations and gifts, and avoid the mind games of Cindi Lou Whoo.

Oh, she's a demented, twisted little bitch.

A Very Roode Christmas Letter

By, Roode-

Dear friends,

First off, let me tell you how happy I am that the end of this godforsaken year is in sight.  I am sure I can speak for my wife when I say 2010 has been ten pounds of shit in a five-pound bag.  Of course, I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know.  I have no doubt that many of you were slapped in the face with the used toilet paper of life.  Somehow, that makes me just a bit happier.  Not that misery loves company (not JUST that), but because I generally wish ill upon mankind.  Hey, the ill will has to start somewhere.  Why not with people I know?

Before I go on, let me just say that I apologize for sending a form letter.  Everybody that writes one of these year-end Christmas letters says that.  I mean it.  I didn’t want to write a letter at all.  I, personally, don’t want you people in my shit.  The only thing I care less about than your life is telling people about mine.  While I’m apologizing, I might as well say that some of  these letters are printed on the back of some old STD informational forms and flyers from World War II I found in a dumpster.  I don’t have the money to spend on neat, clean sheets of paper.  We’re not all made of money.  I think you’ll find the ominous VD exam posters particularly festive.

I don't know. Draw a Santa hat on him and hang it on the wall.

I suppose this is the point where I have to offer updates on my family and such.  In order to avoid typing more than I have to, I’ve put it all in bullet point form.

  • I was laid off by my employer
  • My previous place of employment burned to the ground
  • I was arrested for suspicion of arson
  • I, recently, ran for public office- running on the “pistol whip your child” platform
  • I was beaten soundly by my political opponent
  • My political opponent’s home burned to the ground
  • I was arrested for suspicion of arson
  • I applied for several jobs in the area, but nothing panned out
  • Several places of business in the area burned to the ground
  • I was arrested for suspicion of arson
  • I’m working on becoming an alcoholic
  • Tried to join the fire department, but didn’t make the cut
  • Ironically, the local fire department burned to the ground
  • I was arrested for suspicion of arson
  • I joined the police force.
  • The local police station is standing and fire free
  • We got a cat

Above: Solution to life's problems.

The only good thing about 2010 is that it was full of valuable life lessons for me.  For instance, did you know that most convenience stores hand out free packs of matches?  They’re great for a multitude of things; lighting candles, making campfires, and burning evidence.

Another important tidbit of knowledge I gathered is how to properly make a Molotov cocktail.  It’s easier than you think.  It’s amazing what you can do with packing peanuts and the proper mixture of kerosene and tar.

Perhaps, the most amazing thing that has happened in 2010 is the fact that I’m still married.  Aside from the wife’s annoying tendency to be a perfect human being, she has been very supportive of my struggles this year.  She has also been quite useful for the occasional alibi and no longer bothers asking questions when I come home covered in soot.  Although, the internalizing of all that stress could, conceivably, manifest itself into some sort of brain tumor down the road.  I guess we’ll find out.

I can't help but feel partly to blame for your crippling migraines. On the plus side, you're still smoking hot.

This year has been the Road Runner to my Wile E. Coyote.  And that fucking Acme mail order company keeps screwing me over.  But, ultimately, I am to blame.  I keep ordering their defective and fucktarded products thinking that “THIS TIME” I’ll finally get that feathered road running fuck.

Things usually start well enough.

But, I always end up falling off that fucking cliff.

In closing, I am happy to see the shit storm that was 2010 go.  I’ve decided to skip Christmas and go straight for the bottle of Night Train.  Well, bottles of Night Train.  My ultimate goal is to not regain consciousness until late Spring.

Might as well invite a few of his friends, too.

Sincerely,
Roode

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