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Amnesia Lane: Halloween Pumpkin Carving: Gateway to Mass Murder

Yeah, it’s almost December and we’re just now putting this into the AMNESIA LANE chute.  Don’t care.  READ IT!  Who wouldn’t want to read about Roode’s pumpkin carving inadequacies?

I Hate Glee. What Are You Going to Do About It?

By Roode–

If you’re a regular or semi-regular reader of mine, you’ll know that I have a profound dislike for most everything.  Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of things I like.

OK, so this pretty much encompasses all my “likes.”

Perhaps, television is both my favourite and most hated of life’s little staples.  It’s a harsh mistress; dressing up for you all pretty like one moment, then pissing all over you the next.  God knows I hate television networks.  These wonder-tards are responsible for some of the worst decisions in entertainment history.  Fuck it.  I’m talking about FOX.  FOX has been anally raping its viewership since the dawn of Married:  With Children. Let’s check the score:

  1.  Arrested DevelopmentCANCELLED
  2. Terminator- The Sarah Connor ChroniclesCANCELLED
  3. Lie to MeCANCELLED
  4. FuturamaCANCELLED
  5. Family GuyCANCELLED
  6. DollhouseCANCELLED
  7. FireflyCANCELLED

Then, there are the shows that FOX execs gave a collective, “fuck it” and greenlit baffling shit like:

  1.  Who’s Your Daddy:  Fatherless child + paternity tests + slut mother + a group of guys who couldn’t keep it in their pants + TV audience + cash reward = eventual suicide
  2. Married by America:  The viewing audience could now get involved with helping young couples fuck up their futures
  3. The Littlest  Groom:  He’s a midget!  Get it?  [It actually pained me to type “littlest”]
  4. Babes:  Fat chicks.  That’s it.  There’s nothing else.
  5. House of BugginJohn Leguizamo’s latest tragically unfunny attempt at replacing “In Living Color

Even more ball-smashingly painful are the shows FOX, not only keeps on the air, but seem to have an L. Ron Hubbard type following.  Again, let’s go to the board:

  1. American Idol:  Definition of beating a dead horse and making it sing.
  2. X Factor:  What they’re calling “American Idol,” but with Simon Cowell and Pepsi.
  3. House:  Look, he’s a cranky ass, drug addicted, pompous, douchebag doctor.  We get it.
  4. Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader:  Short answer:  No
  5. Glee:  Fucking Glee

Although I can shake my fist and send human waste to FOX for the first two lists, there is no one to blame but the American people for the last.  What the fuck is wrong with society?  “But, Roode,” some of you are no doubt saying to your monitors like I give two shits, “if you don’t like these shows, don’t watch them.”  If you’re one of the people who just said that, punch yourself in the kidneys as hard as you can.  I’ll wait.

Or, have Batman do it.

The excruciatingly painful root canal of a problem is that these entertainment equivalents to eyeball AIDS don’t just stay on TV.  They’re everywhere.  They spill over into every other aspect of life:  water cooler chat, trite morning show coverage, bullshit marketing shenanigans, and a host of other methods designed to shove this camel piss down your throat.  For fuck’s sake, you half expect the doctor to give you a rectal exam with an official “GLEE” probe.

“Collect them all!”

Glee. Fucking Glee.  Outside of “reality” shows, Glee has to be the prickliest cactus that has ever been shoved up my ass [figuratively, sickos].  It combines all the things I hate in life:  singing, high school drama bullshit, singing about high school drama bullshit, hair styles from the 80’s, poser-hipster-geekdom, a Barbara Streisand wannabe, and all the douchebaggery contained therein.

And this goofy fuckstick.

Impossibly aggravating twirling paraplegic aside, I’m completely baffled as to how in the fuck this show became the runaway success it is.  I guess it has all the ingredients of an asinine network TV show popular with the toothless public:

Unrealistically pretty high school “teenagers” + mismatched couples + painfully dubbed singing + forced and contrived gay character(s)

=

RATINGS GOLD

Alright, maybe most of that is superficial for a list of reasons why I hate this show more than a punch to the yam bag.  But, it’s a goddamn TV show.  What else do I need?  It’s television cancer!  The background music, itself, is enough to drive one into a murderous rage.

I tried to watch the show once [read:  woke up on the couch while wife was watching it].  I timed myself.  It was exactly one minute until I was filled with homicidal rage.  It’s like fingers on a chalkboard.  It’s not any ONE thing.  It’s EVERYTHING.  Individually, I’m pretty sure I could stomach each vomit inducing annoyance for an hour-long show.  I hate singing in a television show, but I managed to put up with episodes of The Simpsons that shoe-horned musical sketches into the show.  High school drama on TV makes me want to set fire to an orphanage, but I was able to sit through Veronica Mars.

Kristen Bell might have had something to do with that, though.

But, all those little annoyances in concert is like being hit with a bag of oranges.  It’s a constant left-hook, right-hook combination.  It’s one of the few situations when running headlong into a wall is the better of two evils.  Take the hits too long and you’ll end up like Sylvester Stallone in Rocky V.  No, not the Rocky character.  I really mean Sylvester Stallone.

Poor bastard couldn’t tie his own shoes with help from Mr. T.

Glee has become oh so fashionable!  Why, everyone who’s ANYONE wants to have their songs shit on, ham-fisted into a “plot” then have the very essence changed to discuss the problems of kids in wheelchairs not being able to get enough blond poontang.

Look, I just really fucking hate this kid.

Ah, that’s what FOX wants you to think.  Every now and then an artist is able to withstand the evil and money to protect his work from being shat out the prime time sphincter.  Who?  Who dared defy the FOX gods and deny them their power and inefficient hybrids?

Dave MOTHER FUCKING Grohl!

Back in March of 2011, Dave declined to give the rights to his song, “Everlong.”  [Read:  Go fuck yourselves]  Grohl feels that musicians shouldn’t feel pressured to bow down to Glee’s awesomeness and beg to give them any song out of their catalogue the studio wants.  Check this:

“It’s every band’s right, you shouldn’t have to do fucking Glee,” Grohl, 42, told The Hollywood Reporter. “Dude, maybe not everyone loves Glee. Me included. I watched 10 minutes and it wasn’t my thing. “

Translation:  Fuck you, Ryan Murphy, creator of Glee.  Your shit absolutely DOES stink.  Not only that, but we can see what you ate for lunch.

“Someone’s not eating enough roughage.”

But, I suppose Dave Grohl’s story isn’t indicative of the norm.  Well, that would be true if Slash and Kings of Leon didn’t do the same damn thing and FLAT OUT REFUSED to let their music be a part of that bile gargling sing-com.  I can only hope this becomes some sort of movement within the music industry that has musicians actually KNOW what their songs are being used for when they accept a fat check. Just say NO, Alice in Chains.  JUST SAY NO!

Do these fuckers look like they WANT to have “Check My Brain” or “Man in a Box” used to sell toilet scrubbers, let alone be butchered on Glee? Layne Staley would come back from the grave and kick EVERYONE’S ass!

The ONLY redeemable decision this holocaust of a show ever made was just chance.  Heather Morris was hired, originally, to work out the coreography for the mind numbing dance scenes.  She worked with Beyoncé and knew a thing or two about choreography.  It was her job to teach the cast of mouth breathers how to dance well enough for prime time television.  I guess she did pretty well, because they ended up hiring her to play Brittany Pierce in a recurring role. In the second season she was made a full cast member.  I wish I understood why.

·

Oh, yeah.  I see why.  Excellent job!

Sincerely,

Roode

Article Fail; Charting the Death of a POS

By, Roode-

You would be surprised how often an artist had to try before he came up with his masterpiece.  Michelangelo had to carve countless dongs out of marble to get “David” just right.  I don’t know what he did with all the extras, but I’m pretty sure I have a guess.

It’s only a matter of time before some archaeologist finds this.

This is also true with FWTC.  As Tresckow pointed out here, many an idea for an article is shit canned, dies on the table, or sits in the queue until someone takes responsibility for it.  It’s not that all of these ideas suck (well, none of mine).  It’s just that, sometimes, we can’t make them work.  Even if we can, something comes along to ball- tag us into submission.  The server could shit its pants just before we hit “save.”  One of our computers will lock up and give us the finger.  Some dipshit (Tresckow) could click the wrong button and end up using a later version of the write-up and derail the train.  In any case, it happens to me, sometimes.  This instance isn’t because the subject sucked or that I couldn’t make it work.  It’s more like it was killed with an over abundance of laziness and cyber-bullshit clusterfuck.

Towards the end of 2010, Facebook’s Friend Finder bullshit was on everyone’s monitor.  It would outright lie and do its best to con your dumb ass into signing up for their thinly veiled market research campaign.  It pissed me off.  I know, it’s hard to imagine.  But, I shit you not, it sent me on more than one curse filled rant.  So, I figured I’d write an article about it.  Why not?  If Ren can pull a bit about ConAir out of her ass, I surely can spin hate-fueled gold.

The start: 

At this point, I’ve got a pretty good handle on things.  I’m raring to go and stayed up all night looking for new ways to say, “dick bag.” 

I remember when I never used Facebook.  Those were wonderful times.  I’m naturally pretty adverse to most technology; smart phones, navigation systems, online social media, shoes…  Look, the point is that I like life to be simple.

Still too complicated!

Here, I proudly admit to my complete monkey-dumbassary as far as technology goes.  As with most pieces on comedy websites, a well-trained author will throw in a little self-deprecating humour in an effort to pretend he’s on the same level as the readers.  That’s not true.  In actuality, the author is on a completely different plane of existence; too advanced to be understood by simple mortals and their love for ass-chapping reality television shows.

It took many a round of convincing by the wife that Facebook was a good tool to keep in touch with family and friends.  You know, the fuckers I try to stay away from.  But, as usual, I caved.  Yeah, I’m a complete sucker for my wife.  From angrily watching Glee with her to removing the frozen pizza from the box BEFORE I put it in the oven.

Set the stove on fire a few times and suddenly I’m the bad guy.

Yes, another jab at my baffling incompetence with being a functioning part of society.  Please note that I have, once again, put my wife on a pedestal, calling notice to her ability to both deal with my shit and walk through life doing every-ever-fucking-loving thing perfectly.  That, and I figured it’s a pretty good half-assed attempt in getting laid.  You know, build her up while making myself look like a stooge.  In case you’re wondering, it didn’t work.   

I signed up for FB, after answering a thousand shit eating questions.  Sure, I could have just opened an account and left it at that.  But, FB doesn’t play that game.  It mocks you every time you sign on.  “Hey!  Your profile is empty!”  “Why not add some interests?  Everybody else is doing it!”  Even if I can manage to avoid that social networking bastard’s taunts, fucker goes ahead and tells the world that I’m a slack ass.

STOP JUDGING ME!

Now, I still have a pretty tight grasp on where this article is going.  Remember, 1.  I hate technology, 2.  I hate Glee, 3.  Facebook is a bag of dicks. 

After I waded through all that touchy-feely bullshit I Ronco-ed that bad boy; set it and forget it.  One of the reasons I chose FB (other than my wife’s mysterious, yet sexy power over me) is that it didn’t have as many of those annoying aps as MySpace.  As soon as I got somewhat comfortable with my virtual existence I was hit by a shit storm of game invites, survey results, and constant advertisements calling me by name.

How do you know my name?! Who are you?!

Yeah, another compliment to the wife.  Look, I need all the help I can get.  I tend to get banished to the couch a lot.  But, my point is clear.  Facebook exploits a human’s basic need to play online games that aren’t worth two shits in Wyoming. 

Oh, Adel questioned the reference to Ronco; saying no one born after 1978 was going to get it.  As with everything else I’ve written, my philosophy is “Fuck you.”

Fuck it.  It’s not 100% intrusive.  These fucktarded ads are just in the left column.  There are ways to ignore bullshit Mob Wars and Whose-it-fuckis FarmVille/town/empire/concentration camp.  Wait.  FarmVille Concentration Camp may be something I’d get into.  Build your barbed wire fences little by little.  Earn enough funds from the government to hire all the guards you need.  And bullets…  lots and lots of bullets.

I can just feel that I’m going to hell for this.

 I’m particularly proud of this section.  “FarmVille Concentration Camp” is the best idea in the history of social networking.  Someone get on this NOW!  I once hammered out a complete schematic of how this game would work.  I had to draw it in pencil, because as you can tell, I suck royal ass at photoshop.  Once completed, I showed it around to a few friends for their take on it- you know; railway stations, mines, labour groups, random executions…  No one really said anything.  I just got a call from Amnesty International.

Then, that’s it.  It went off the rails.  No, my writing didn’t spiral down into a pit of hellishness not seen since Ugly Betty.  I banged out another page or two of ball-grabbing hilarity.  But, oh no.  Life gladly took my efforts on top of Mount Son-of-a-bitch and threw them over the side.

My computer and the FWTC server decided to have a pissing contest.  It didn’t matter who won, because I lost.  FireFox told me that my session lasted a little too long, so it had to shut it down.  So what?  The FWTC server generously supplied by wordpress updates and saves every few minutes.  I may lose that last joke about vagina hockey, but I can add it once I reopen the file.  See?  Easy!

They were all out of “Easy” buttons.

 Firefox decided it was imperative that I leave the website’s dashboard IMMEDIATELY!  Something got its panties in a bunch and it wanted to shut the whole fucking system down.  Alright.  Fine.  I’ll just click “save” on the dashboard and Bob’s your uncle.  Wait a second…

 What in fuck’s name just happened?  the WordPress dashboard won’t let me save my work.  In fact, it’s just staring at me like a retarded kid during a school bus ride.  I click “Save” once.  I click it twice; the little bastard just stands there.  The “Save” button doesn’t give a shit about me or  my needs.  I can’t go forward, because Firefox won’t let  me.  I can’t reason with the dashboard, because it, flat-out, wants to see me in a rage that will take the house and half the block with it.  Hmmm.  The back arrow isn’t all grayed out.  It’s my only choice, I guess.  Otherwise, I’m going to be sitting in front of this fucking computer forever.

Pretty much the scenario I was in.

So, as I usually say when cars, computers, alcohol, and kids are concerned, Fuck It!  The back arrow is my friend.  It has to be.  I just lost a day’s work here.  Something has to still be hanging around on one of the previous windows.  Right?

 FUCK!  That sure as hell didn’t work!  It skipped a few dozen pages and took my ass to a page visit from two days ago?  Why?  Who’s fucking with me?  One of the greatest masterpieces of all times is getting shit-canned because, the cyber-world is being a little bitch.  All I wanted to do is complete this article, get it copy edited, then click “send.”  BAM!  Off to the next.

Well, when there’s hope, there’s someone to kick you in the head with an iron boot!  I backtracked all the previous versions of my article.  WordPress makes it relatively easy to compare and contrast versions just in case you want to include that line about that fat lady being arrested for causing a ruckus (to all you motherfuckas- sorry, I was channeling Busta Rhymes for a second) on that quiet car on that Amtrak train going from Oakland, CA to Salem, OR.  I can’t quite remember if I called her a “douche bag with a phone attached” or “illiterate, obnoxious fat ass.”  So, I go back into my archives (or versions as WordPress calls them) and check the older saved versions.  That would have worked on any other day.  Today is not any other-fucking day.

Yup. That was pretty much my day.

 The most recent version that was saved was waaaaay back when I first started the article.  It had a title and the by-line.  That’s it.  I was miffed.  Maybe, a tad upset.  Fine!  I threw my keyboard out the window.

Happy now? Feeling good about yourself to out me as a rage-a-holic?

But, I couldn’t let my loyal fans (fan?) down!  I diligently pieced together the article, calling upon my photographic memory to fit the puzzle together.  After a couple of hours I was stoked.  Screw the last version of the article!  This one is IT!  THIS ONE!  It’s funnier, more offensive, and more ROODE than all the other versions combined.  I AM ALL THAT IS MAN!

I hit “save” and sent a message to Tresckow that my future Nobel Prize worthy article was ready for copy editing.  Now all I had to do was sit back and wait for the final product; a few funny pics here and there, some grammar correction, maybe a new variation on the term “ball sack…”  That’s right, Jack.  I was sitting pretty.

Somehow, some way Tresckow managed to fuck it up.  Who the hell knows what happened?  He hit the wrong key?  Spilled whiskey on the keyboard?  Called the server a reach-arounder?  In any event, once again, my article was thoroughly punched in the taint.  Half of it disappeared like in a bad Chris Angel sketch (sort of redundant).  What I was left with was the original half of the article I lost a day before.  Whether I was sabotaged, because of jealousy of my AWESOME writing skills or the server really wanted to dick me over; one thing was very clear:

 

2010: The Year of the Ren

By, Ren-

That’s right.  Read that title over again.  Again.  One more time.  Got it, now?  I fucking rule.  Of course, this is no surprise to you readers.  How many other little blonde Micks can mock international law, escape molestation by a clown on Saint Patrick’s Day, and manage to rub elbows (among other body parts) at a Playboy Mansion Halloween extravaganza?  None.  You know none.  Don’t even try to pretend you do.  You’re just embarrassing us all.

You know who you are.

2010 will be known for a lot of things:  um, something about whales, maybe?  There was a lot of bullshit surrounding the IPhone.  Then, again, 2010 was the year when people, the world over, were smacked in the taint by the roughest recession since the years of Warner Brothers cartoons in movie theaters and cars were built to last.  Come to think of it, 2010 sucked a major amount of yak ass.  Companies downsized, business went broke, government lost its mind, and that Justin Bieber fucker was everywhere.  2010 was such a shitshake, even my own Da pined for the “good old days” of the Cold War.

Say what you want about it. The world was a lot more stable, food and fuel a shit ton cheaper, and if worse came to worse, mankind would go out in a fiery vengeance of style.

There is one shining part of 2010 that must be remembered and recorded for the sake of future history.  We don’t want our future history only talking about gun fights at Florida school board meetings or devoting an entire chapter in a text book to the cluster fuck that is BP.  There was one brightly burning light that 2010 emitted during its waning hours filled with party goers blowing chow then trying to get into the pants of someone who just might end up being a distant cousin.  What was this shining beacon of hope?  Where was it?  What did it mean?  Calm the fuck down.  I’ll tell you.

It was ME.  That’s right world, ME.  I joined FWTC in 2009.  I did what I had to do to get on the ground floor of something that will never make a dime or win any journalism awards.  That kind of shit is gold!  After the arguing, death threats, and constant hazing I clawed my way to the top!  I made it to “COLUMNIST.  There’s no pay, no perks, and little in the way of publicity.  But, Momma was determined to break the racial barrier and shoe horn a nutty little blonde Irish chick into the ranks of FWTC.  Roode and Tresckow bitched and moaned about it.  Roode didn’t want more chick shit on the site, being that Adel had that covered.  Tresckow was convinced I would use the site as a soapbox to spread my anti-loyalist beliefs to the masses. (if hating Loyalists in Northern Ireland is wrong, I don’t want to be right).  The point I heard time and time again was, “You’re not a writer.  There’s a difference between doing funny things and WRITING about them.”  Fuckers didn’t believe I could translate my drunken comedy of errors into an article.  What BULLSHIT!

After a bit of whining and the occasional exercise I like to call, “Total War” (steel Roode’s tires, sign Tresckow up for a fuck ton of large and lovely women catalogs to be sent to his home, and harassing Adel every day by rearranging her furniture in innovative and surprising ways) they finally threw me a “guest writer” gig.  It got a good amount of hits and FWTC decided to keep me on.  Like I was some sort of lost fucking puppy.  Like adding The REN would have done anything but make this piece of  shit, dime-a-dozen blog rocket to the stars!

That's right. That's me, the brightest motherfucking star in the galaxy.

I had a bit of a handicap going for me; the other writers having a year head start and all.  Adel, Roode, and Tresckow already found their niches and some “loyal” readers.  That didn’t deter me.  I jumped right in to hammer out some flaming awesomeness in 2009.  Then, I decided that 2010 was going to be Momma’s year!

Interesting thing is that after I was two or three articles in, the site’s readership went up.  On our Facebook Page it seemed that my articles were getting passed around a lot more than the others.  What could that mean?  Am I eons funnier than the other writers?  Is it because I am witty and urbane?  Perhaps it’s because I have been elevated to FWTC‘s sex symbol?  Yes.  Yes, to all of these.  I’m fucking fantastic.  The readers know it.  Our sponsors know it.  Future history knows it.

I fucking rule!

Perhaps, the best indicator that tells us 2010 was the year of the Ren are the readership stats.  The boring side of any blog is, without a doubt, the admin side.  That’s where our geeks look at all the statistics to see which article was the most popular in any given week or month; which author was the most popular, etc.  Tresckow and Adel are the number crunchers; plowing through it to get the quarterly stats and come up with a game plan for the site’s sponsorships and whatnot.  Well, as most sites are want to do at the end of the year, we wanted to connect all the dots and see just who among us was the most “popular.”  Which one of us had the most read articles, who stayed on top the longest, blah blah blah.  I have no interest in calculations.  I’d rather drink the better part of a bottle of Shanahans and wake up with a stripper (a HOT stripper, please).  I’m the sort of girl who just wants to hear the end result.

For the love of God, Tresckow! Just tell me what the fuck all the math means!

I tuned out just about everything Tresckow’s said about growing our sponsorship base, advertising, topic and writer expansion…  JUST GET TO THE FUCKING END!  Flipping to the next slide, a table was shown listing all our articles, writers, and topics in order of popularity and readership.  I looked up, expecting Roode to start tap dancing; fucker always thinks he’s the one who puts butts in the seats.  All I heard was, “Are you fucking kidding me?” bellowing from Roode’s mouth like the words were on fire.  The top author of EVERY quarter of 2010 AND the number 1 author for the entire year was

ME MOTHERFUCKERS!

I’m shocked! Speechless! I didn’t prepare any remarks.

I wasn’t ahead by a small amount either.  No, baby, Momma holds a 60% lead over everyone else.  ME!  Fuck you, Roode!  I’m putting butts in the seats now!  Always bet on the tiny Irish dark horse.  ALWAYS!  She’ll ruin your shit every time.  EVERY TIME!

So, what will 2011 bring for the NUMBER 1 writer on FWTC?  I’m not sure.  Maybe a series of video blogs instructing the viewer on the proper ways of peeling a potato.  Or a pod cast where I can dispense my worldly wisdom of the most efficient and orgasm-tastic sexual positions.  Oh, yeah.  Bacon.  Bacon must be a steady theme throughout 2011.  Shit, maybe I’ll contract with cable and launch my own reality show.  Well, “surreality” show”

 

Momma ROCKS so hard it whips a bull's ass!

 

10 Rules of EVERY Paranormal Reality Show

By Ren

The world is in a paranormal reality show death grip. Flip through the channels. There’s a good chance you’ll run into one of an ass load of ghost searching, alien seeing, bigfoot humping pseudo-documentaries. Why? Because, as a species, we love seeing half-assed programs run by people with no formal scientific, technical, or basic high school grammatical training. Does this stop me from watching this shit? No. So what? I’m part of the problem. Fuck off.

Thank you 1950’s for investing in a technology responsible for the downfall of civilization. And Hell’s Kitchen.

I bet you’re going to say it all started with Ghost Hunters; spawning a dozen copies. I actually blame Ripley’s Believe It or Not. That was pretty much a bullshit freak show. Who wouldn’t try to pass off a monkey head sewn to a fish body as a mermaid? Jack Palance, that’s who. As the original host of Ripley’s Believe It or Not, the viewer could tell, without a shadow of a doubt, that Palance didn’t give a shit one way or the other. His eerie, asthmatic “Believe or Not,” was his way of telling the audience to eat shit; he was getting paid either way.

This wasn’t even in the “City Slickers” script. Jack just felt like carving him up some Billy Crystal.

After careful study (drinking and watching TV) and follow up research (drinking and surfing the web) I identified a few common rules that every one of these shows obeys. After that, I celebrated (more drinking).

Rule 1: Paranormal activity is light sensitive

Worst offenders: Ghost Hunters franchise, Destination Truth, Ghost Lab, Most Haunted… everything else.

I don’t recall the Ghostbusters ever turning out the lights. Then again, the movie came out when I was a fetus, so I might not remember everything. Somewhere along the line people got it in their noodles that the only way to seek and (rarely) find ghostly activity is to make the entire area shitacularly pitch black. Why? Are you afraid the ghosts will see you? Do spirits really comprehend the difference between night and day? Have there been no ghost sightings in daylight?

It’s spooky to see Stallone’s career actually die in front of your eyes.–

It sort of makes sense for Destination Truth, even though at least one of the cast is going to careen off a cliff at some point for lack of adequate lighting. But, when you’re searching around for Blood Feast Island Man you’ll want to shut the lights off. I guess. I don’t know. Does Blood Feast Island Man like the dark?

Rule 2: Did you hear/see that?

Worst offenders: Ghost Hunters franchise, Destination Truth

Every episode and I mean EVERY mother fucking episode, the question “Did you hear that?” or a variation thereof is uttered no less than a thousand times. Guess what the answer is? NO. No, no one heard that. No one is ever going to hear that. The audience doesn’t know what the shit you’re talking about. We hear jack shit.

I’m pretty sure this is American Sign Language for “I don’t hear shit.” *citation needed

People, I’ve strained to “hear that.” I’ve paused the DVR and listened to the same scene a dozen times. I NEVER hear what the hell they’re talking about. It’s not just that the sound of the what’s-it-fuck paranormal noise is too soft. Microphones can only pick so much up. It’s the bullshit post production that renders us deaf. That leads me to ….

Rule 3: Deafening background music

Worst offenders: Ghost Hunters franchise, Destination Truth

Is there a damn reason the mood music has to be so ungodly ear drum raping loud? Of course no one watching is ever really going to hear shit. The fucking volume of the music is turned to 11.

The cynic in me says that the reason for this is to make it impossible for the viewers to hear what may or may not have just happened. The only indicator that some netherworld beast coughed, farted, or uttered, “A loser says what?” is when they use that stock smashing the piano keys sound. That’s the producers telling you that something was heard. You don’t need to hear it for yourself. Just trust them. Would they lie?

Rule 4: Use bullshit gadgets

·
Worst offenders: Ghost Hunter franchise, Ghost Lab, Haunting Evidence,

It seems like anything can be bastardized into a ghost hunting tool. In the beginning, it was innocent enough; MP3 recorders used for EVPs, camcorders to capture mist on video, and such. Then, it all got weird. They started using custom built tools and misusing existing equipment to sense vibrations, speak to dead people, or… I don’t know, measure dick size.

 
All you really need to inspect the length of your junk is a good old fashion tape measure and a girl that won’t judge… too much.

The main issue is that there is no scientific evidence, whatsoever, that any of this shit does what it’s supposed to, let alone actually work. Take the Ghost Hunters’ K-II meter dealy. It’s supposed to measure the electromagnetic field of a given location. That’s great. So what? How in sphincter’s name is that really supposed to help? No one knows if EMF readings mean monkey spank. There they are, waving this blinking piece of crap around and having virtual orgasms because it lights up from time to time.

Rule 5: Manly fist bumps


Worst offender: Ghost Hunters

I’m not even going to pretend I understand the fist-bump to begin with. It’s like the lazy man’s high-five only gayer. Whatever the reason, it’s almost exclusively a guy thing. I guess that’s why Jay and Grant brush knuckles at the end of every cotton picking show.

I guess that beats ball tagging each other. No, wait, that would be cool.

Alright, it’s the way the two manly men express accomplishment. That doesn’t make it any less retarded. It beats giving the Nazi salute or the stink palm.

Wait a second! Are you just trying to get me to eat feces?

Rule 6: Inexplicably hot cast members

Worst offenders: Ghost Hunters, Ghost Hunters International, Destination Truth

I’m not really sure the above should say “worst offenders.” This is a God-given reward for all the horse hockey we have to put up with. That being said, it’s a baffling phenomena. In the sea of fugly chuds you’ll find an island of hot. GHI has Ashley Godwin, a girl I would definitely want to do more with in front of the camera than look around for shadows. What? Was that too corny? I’m saying I’d go down on that. Understand now?

Susan Slaughter.  Well what’s to say?  She has raven black hair, a hot little body, and a sultry voice that makes Momma need to change into a clean pair of undies.  What?  WHAT!

Truthfully, Kris Williams is pretty much why I watch Ghost Hunters. I mean, look at her! She’s a friggin model for fuck’s sake. Go on, click on that link. Lord knows, I have. Kris’ presence on Ghost Hunters messes with my head. I passively watched the show in the past. One night, this tall, statuesque, brunette with a nice rack was in the scene. I’ve been hooked ever since.

Oh yea. Mama likes.

Jesus, look at Destination Truth. Jael Depardo and Erin Ryder are smoking. The only truth I want to find is whether or not Ryder is a screamer in bed, too.

Alright, so I’m only naming the ladies. That’s sort of not fair. Well, on the other side of the gender fence there’s…. um… dude, I got nothing. Sorry, there’s not much to choose from. Aside from the strange clique of people who want to bone or be boned by one or all of the male cast, I dare say not one of them is bangable. No. Josh Gates only works if you’re into lumbering Frankenstein-esq guys. Now, this makes total sense:

Kris Williams + Ren = hardcore mattress dance.

Rule 7: Fail to account for your environment

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Worst offenders: Ghost Hunters, Ghost Hunters International, Destination Truth

Here’s the thing; if you’re doing an investigation in the woods at night (Jersey Devil) or in an old, abandoned whoopee cushion factory, you probably should do a little research as to what creepy crawlies are already hanging around. Ghost Hunters does this off and on, but I think they do a better job at factoring this stuff in after the fact. Destination Truth, however, sucks on toast.

OK, Josh Gates and company are looking for some hairy fanged beast in the forest somewhere. Every mother-chucking moment they hear a noise or see something on the thermal camera they freak the fuck out. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhgggggggggggggggggggggggggggg!!!!

Holy shit! It’s a ghost bear!

Here’s the deal, you’re in the woods, chuckle heads. Of course you’re going to hear and see all sorts of shit. Things fucking live there! Chances are you heard a deer skipping through the underbrush or a cheetah slowly stalking you for death. Either way, calm the fuck down. Unless it’s the cheetah. You’ll want to freak out a little for that. Make sure you get that shit on camera, though.

 Rule 8: Painfully scripted dialogue

Worst offender: Ghost Hunters

I’m not suggesting that the entire show is scripted. In order to time things right they surely have to make some sort of a loose list of cues. This would, especially, be true for the live Halloween shows. They don’t have the luxury of post production to edit the shit out of the footage. If Dave Tango walks into a wall, he walks into a wall and we’re all better for having seen it.

Reality

It’s the evidence reviewing segments that are the most painful. Nothing Steve/Dave say to each other during these bits sounds or looks natural. I’ve seen more life from the hobo in town performing his one man MacBeth. At least that’s what I think it is. I assume the blood on his hands is for the part of Lady MacBeth. Right? Maybe I should call the police.

Rule 9: Misleading smash cuts before a commercial break

Worst offenders: Ghost Hunters franchise, Destination Truth, Most Haunted, Ghost Lab

A successful show wants to build the tension level just before a commercial break. It’s their way of making sure you either make that trip to the keg quickly or hit pause before you go to the can for a monumental dump. CSI, Fringe, Castle, and a butt-ton of other shows have made this into an art. The difference is that these shows have a full fledged script and reward you for hanging around.

Thank you for returning to NCIS: Los Angeles. As a reward, here’s LL Cool J flying over cars.

 

Before every god damned commercial break on ALL of these ghost/mystical beast shows someone exclaims, “Oh my GOD!” or “What was that!?” Then the big time suspense music gets jacked up and we go right into a tampax commercial.

But, we constantly get duped. It’s all bullshit! It always ends up being something completely retarded. OMG WHAT WAS THAT??!! It was a mouse taking a shit. It was a spider web making Steve piss his pants. Any way you slice it, it’s complete and utter moose piss.

Rule 10: The investigation can only last a few hours

Worst offenders: Ghost Hunters franchise, Destination Truth, Most Haunted, Ghost… fuck it… all of them.

How, exactly, are you supposed to prove or disprove paranormal activity by devoting a whopping 12 hours to the investigation? Shit, the IRA peace process took decades to hammer out. Alright, so that looks like it’s going to shit, but imagine how much worse it would be if they crammed everything into six hours.

Pretty much the same thing that would happen if they crammed the whole process into 6 centuries.

Spending a few hours in a “haunted” museum or the New Jersey Pine Barrens looking for the Jersey Devil isn’t going to do jack. Sure, they catch the odd piece of evidence here and there (something Ghost Hunters is a lot better at), but they just don’t devote enough time for a thorough investigation. I’m pretty sure the ghosts at the Winchester Mansion aren’t going to show up all at once just because Jay and Grant have a tight window.

I don’t give a shit what people say. Sarah Winchester was a fruit loop.

All in all, these shows are doing pretty well, even though what they’re doing isn’t an exact science. Frankly, lots of it is just plain batshit nuts. Still, there’s more truth to these shows than anything on E!

America’s fascination with Jersey Shore and this douche bag is the real mystery.

5 Things Society Would Give Up If It Was Serious About The Environment

By Adel

Far be it from me to associate myself with Roode or any of his articles, but I felt the need to expand upon his Earth Day piece (of shit). It got me thinking. No, not thinking about how Roode has kept out of prison for this long. Not this time. I started thinking about how, exactly, would society have to tackle environmental issues in a way that matters. Then it occurred to me, most of the big changers would never be done, because society is only willing to go so far. Sure, some will toss a plastic bottle into a recycling bin, but you bet your ass someone will drive a block to buy their lottery tickets and cigarettes instead of undertaking such an arduous journey of walking.

Sidewalks? Are we savages?

So, what would society REALLY have to do without in order to actually make an impact on the environment? Check that; a POSITIVE impact. My list of ways to make a negative impact is pretty much never-ending.
Setting a river on fire is way #23, in case you were curious Ohio.

So what would the Earth’s population have to sacrifice to make a dent? I have a few ideas. But, we all know none of them are ever going to happen….

1. Make Country Leaders Give Up Personal Jets

Right out the gate I’m taking a swing at politicians. Well, sort of. I’m not talking about government policies. I’m talking about the non-stop, gas guzzling trips made by most of the world’s leaders.  General air travel has skyrocketed after that pesky Luftwaffe was grounded in ’45. The “lower prices” and bigger airline fleets made air travel a practical reality. Until the early 21st century, that is. Now it’s nothing more than nickle and diming, TSA strip searches, and big shiny targets for terrorist groups.

Our world leaders need to be able to travel at a moment’s notice. They have to tour earthquake areas to acknowledge that, yes, buildings have been reduced to rubble. They need to attend state funerals for people they never knew for PR and, during election season, be able to drop themselves in whatever state they need to whore themselves in for electoral votes. But, isn’t this all outdated and nonessential? Let me answer that for you. Yes. Yes, it is.This is the modern age, you silly pillack. Everything’s virtual or digital… and other things that end in “al” I imagine. First, invest in a Skype or WebEx account. You don’t have to physically be everywhere to give your partisan speeches. Pipe that digital goodness into the Brazilian government‘s multi-purpose room. You don’t see Bin Laden jetting all over the West to distribute his messages of death and infidel fueled rage. It’s all recorded, baby, and posted online. Yes, he’s got a blog and their whole operation is hiding in a cave!

South-park-640x480.jpg

Second, downgrade the bollocks out of the fancy pants transportation. Air Force One, do you really have to be the size of a jumbo jet? I’m thinking more of a Cessna or a Piper Cub. What? It’s just as secure as a gigantic jet aircraft. In fact, it’s even better. Everyone knows that small planes are infinitely harder to hit and easier to land when damaged (The Big Bopper thing was a fluke). Cram the president’s entourage into one of those things with a WiFi ready system and, Bob’s your uncle!

Trust me. I will look a lot better with the Presidential seal on it. Maybe a little less yellow.

2. Stop driving.

 We’ve all heard the non-stop ramblings about how the individual driver is really the cause of much of the Earth’s pollution. So? Billions of people drive every day. China and India have just started the joys of modern auto travel (modern for 1955, that is). Trust me, they’re not going to stop anytime soon. If anything, nations that are just entering their automobile phase are going to rape and poison the Earth in a fraction of the time it took North American and Europe. It’s going to get a lot worse before it gets better. Let’s face it, if China can’t be bothered to NOT add antifreeze to cough syrup, what makes you think they give a shit about emissions testing?

Mmm. Breathe in that fresh city air, Beijing.

Are you really serious about saving the environment, society? Then stop driving, unless your vehicle is hydrogen powered. What about the Toyota Prius? It’s rubbish. If the only alternative to good old fashioned fossil fuel burning automobiles is a car with a glorified D cell battery, it’s best not to drive at all.  Alright, fine. I suppose some vehicles could be allowed. Service vehicles like, trash trucks, UPS vans, and pizza delivery wagons. But, in the spirit of maximizing efficiency and radically lowering emissions, they all have to be the same vehicle. Just think of all that o-zone we would save with our trash-UPS-pizza delivery trucks!

In some cases, the pizza may actually taste better.

What about the children? Surely, they need transportation to school. Why bother? Each generation is getting progressively dumber. Society might as well admit defeat now and end schooling of any kind. Not only would it save billions of dollars, it would finally usher in the downfall of society we’ve all been waiting for.

3. Stop using electricity. Everywhere.

You read that right. I’m not talking about simply turning the lights out when you leave a room. I’m talking about turning the lights out forever. Do you know how much fossil fuel is used to generate electricity to run our televisions and industrial strength wall outlet powered marital aids? Neither do I, but I’m guessing it’s a lot.  Imagine the money your average Joe would save by jumping off the grid. Citizens of nations everywhere would save thousands of dollars a year without electricity bills! Alright, so some of that money would have to be invested in glow sticks. I suppose most households would have to find an alternative heat source, too. Our ancestors managed without electricity. They used fire for warmth, light, and cooking. What’s that? Burning wood is still polluting the environment? For fuck’s sake! You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

Not that you’re really going to be able to make too many cakes in our new electricity free world.

Kicking electricity to the curb may even enrich our society. Without electricity there will be no computers. Without computers there will be no blogs. It will no longer be easy for any half-witted dipshit to vomit typed out dumbassary for the masses. It will be like the old days, the sheer expense and effort weeding out the posers. We’ll have to go back to reading actual books and newspapers. I hear you, an increase in newspapers means the death of more trees, yadda, yadda, yadda. Well, society is going to need to wipe their asses with something. Newspaper is one hell of a multi-tasker! Just be sure to read BEFORE you wipe.

 

Wait until you read and wipe with the first print edition of The Fuse Was Too Cold.

4. Wipe out big chain stores.

Nothing embodies the crushing of the very soul of world commerce like the Wal-Mart or Target empire. Mom and Pop stores went the way of the Utah Raptor and Hammer pants. At first, we all cheered. Finally, there is somewhere to go for our economy sized enema needs! Want to buy a pair of boxers and a head of lettuce? At the same store? Well, my friend, you can do that. Never again will you have to make multiple trips to buy condoms, baby lotion, and duct tape.Well, I guess you’re not really serious about healing the planet, then. These gigantic chain and bulk stores are generating enough waste and energy consumption to make Mr. Burns blush.

mrburns.jpeg

According to this article, states have accused Wal-Mart stores of polluting their water with shitty construction practices. Do you know how much electricity retailers need to refrigerate food, power lights, and operate the exit theft alarms that go off for no apparent reason? Our research tells us it’s a shit load [citation needed]. Even when the store is closed the energy consumption keeps trucking on. Do we really want to hurt our environment for a cheap 12 pack of socks and a case of Dr. Thunder? Well, I’m fine with it, but that’s just me.

What WOULDN’T we do for a 12 pack of Dr. Thunder?

Bring back the Mom and Pops. Not only will that diversify the market, it just might bring scurvy back in style. Quick, it’s the middle of winter in northern Saskatchewan and you want an orange. Tough luck. I guess you should just get used to those bleeding gums. Mom and Pop stores, although romantic and quaint, probably won’t be able to carry anything out of season. Your average corner shop may never be able to buy and stock anything outside of an affordable geographical radius. If a store owner was lucky enough to get a hold of a crate of Spanish clementines, they would have to jack up the price to, about, $10 an orange. Scurvy is cheaper.

5. No more concerts, rallies, or protests.

How many of us have a brilliant sexual, drug, or cop beating concert story to tell? Maybe at that Screaming Trees concert the midget next to you projectile vomited so hard at he actually propelled himself through the air. Or what about that rally/protest for something or other you’ll remember for the rest of your life? There’s nothing like showing up somewhere, en mass, to support/protest the troops/president/lactose/soap…. Seriously, there are rallies for anything these days. You don’t really have to know what you’re protesting about.

 

Be warned, Betty White.

It’s nice to know that people out there are willing to express their opinions and use their right to free speech while punching the environment in the face. The millions of people around the world that go on pilgrimages to see Winger live are also killing the environment. Well, in addition to murdering musical taste.

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem, Stewart.

 Think about it. For your average concert you’ll have one bus for the band, 10 or more trucks for the equipment, one bus for the whores, a catering entourage, a couple more buses for the crew, and a huge power supply for all those trippy lights. Take all of that and add the thousands upon thousands of cars driven by the attendees. Well, why not just set a baby deer on fire?

Go on. Do it. Get the lighter fluid and have at it you monster.

 Protests pretty much cover the same ground. Perhaps, the pinnacle of contradiction is when thousands of people, rock bands, and politicians blow a million tons of fuel to attend some sort of global save the world rally. The environment would be better off if everyone stayed home and live streamed Bono’s pretentious egotism on YouTube.

Little known fact: Bono’s ego and sense of self-satisfaction can power a city the size of London.

Company Mascots We Want to Send on a Death March

By Roode

I’m on a roll! To continue my “Things on TV I Want to Physically Hurt, Then Shit On” series, I’d like to expand my musings beyond brain hemorrhage causing jingle jangle commercial jingles. Yes, once they get into your head, you’ll cut your own ears off to be free of the pain. But, we can do without ears. You tell me what the shit in this world is really worth listening too. Don’t give me that artsy fartsy answer of “music.” I love Alice In Chains just as much as Ren and Tresckow, but I would sacrifice hearing some of the best heroine and death oriented lyrics in the known universe if it meant no more shit grinning jingles.

Sure, Vincent van Gogh was batshit insane, but maybe there was a method to his madness.
He would only have to hear 50% of these ear canal rotting songs.

Our eyes, ladies and gentlemen… what would we be without our eyes? We would bump into shit constantly, be unable to watch Sons of Anarchy, and would miss out on some serious eye candy during the summer months. 

Seriously, if I couldn’t enjoy sights like this, I might as well be dead.

*Note: If you are blind and offended by my statement… No. Forget it. What the fuck are you doing on the web in the first place. This shit doesn’t come in Braille.

Why would anyone even consider plucking out their own eyes? Seeing your parents bumping uglies on the kitchen table? Getting a glimpse of ANY man in a speedo? Well, yeah. But, what are the odds of that shit happening. Eh, the speedo thing plaques Europe, I’ll give you that. However, there is a more sinister force that penetrates your inner sanctum like Michael Jackson NO. Not this week. I’m nixing all MJ jokes from this damn column.

What the shit was I saying? That’s right. There’s a more sinister force out there that knows where you live and can get to you anytime it wants. It comes disguised as sequential images of douche bag wanna be celebrities, chefs, and (not enough) Hayden Panettiere.

Trust me. This Canadian is saluting the red, white, and blue.

Television provides another conduit for ass hair pulling, fucktarded bullshit devised to drive you tin foil hat wearing insane. What am I talking about now? Mascots. Company mascots, spokes people, whatever you want to call them, are an outright assault on all things ocular. Sonsabitches are everywhere. No matter where you flip to, there’s always another one of those shit painting jackasses prancing around on TV. We want them to be deported to concentration camps. Admit it. I know you’re thinking about it every time you see another asshat doing cart wheels for Vagisil. Shit like…

Burger King: The “King”
You know what’s a brilliant advertising idea? Give up? How about creating a mascot that embodies every viewer’s childhood fears? Smooth job, Burger King. You fuckers are making sandwiches without bread.

What is this thing supposed to communicate? It’s sure as hell isn’t the flame broiled taste of a grill kissed bacon cheeseburger. Using a stone faced, silent, pantsless creep with all the charm of a rapist doesn’t quite hit the mark. The King is there, watching some dude sleep. He’s there at some chick’s bedroom window. The fucker is shoving his hand into random people’s pants pockets on the street. Right, he’s “giving money back.” I’m sure it has nothing to do with copping a feel on an unsuspecting pedestrian’s junk.

The King’s next step to deflower Whopper “virgins.”

Geico: Kash
While we’re on the subject of outright nonsensical bullshit, let’s devote some time to this bugged eyed, Mysto & Pizzi jamming motherfucker. Why, it’s the money you could be saving with Geico! You asshole! That’s cash you could have spent on porn, Quaaludes, or a hooker (sometimes the three come as a package).

This is another creepy bastard that just stares. It doesn’t say anything, it’s an inanimate stack of filthy 5 dollar bills. What the fuck does it want? So what? You opted for State Farm instead of Geico. Does that mean you’re going to be haunted by this googly eyed prick until you switch? Here’s an idea, pick the fucker up, rip his eyes off, and hit a strip club. Tear him apart, one bill at a time and cram them in a stripper’s g-string. Now THAT makes financial sense!

Pictured: A much better investment than GM.

Geico: Cavemen
Geico is such a mascot shit generator, I had to put it on the list twice. I was on board the Geico caveman commercials in the beginning. They were short, funny, and semi witty. But, just like everything else on TV, the Man had to bludgeon our skulls with a once good thing. These mop heads are almost as tired and played out as Paris Hilton. Or, pretty much anything on the E! network (except The Soup, although McHale’s NBC show sucks a massive amount of slug sphincter).

When did it all go downhill? The commercials were still bearable until around 2007. Shit, I was still drinking the Neanderthal kool aid when they launched their own micro site. Then, the executives had to piss all over it. They threw the caveman concept down on the ground, unzipped, and rained yellow all over its parade. You know what I’m talking about. This piece of rotting warthog shit: the TV series. I knew this was going to be the death knell for the whole concept. What made the commercials work was the quick timing and brevity. Stretch out that concept for a full 22 minutes and you have a televised suicide note. It redefined bad and not in the “so bad it’s good” way. This was Teddy Z bad. OK, some of you children may not get that reference. How about this one? The show was “Jay Leno Show” bad.

Above: A crime against humanity.

Aflac: The Aflac Duck
How do you move insurance? Dub one of the most annoying voices in the history of mankind over a duck. I don’t have anything against the duck, per say. I like ducks. Ducks are fine. I guess this is more of a hatred for Gilbert Gottfried.

Wikipedia identifies his “distinctively loud, obnoxious, rasping, grating voice” as a trademark. OK, fine. If that’s the case, then sufferating pustules are the Bubonic Plague‘s tradmark. Barbed wire and zyclon b are Germany’s. While we’re at it, we can say male on male rape to banjo music is the trademark of the US South. No? Those aren’t trademarks? Just because something’s associated with a person, a place, or a thing doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a trademark. It just means Godfrey’s act is a big old pile of annoying smothered in shit sauce. I wish that fucking duck would peck your larynx out.

Six Flags: Mr. Six
Take a good, long look at this fucker. That’s right, take it all in. We don’t even have a Six Flags within a thousand mile radius of here. But, that doesn’t stop those corporate ass cracks from barraging us with this creepy, latex laden, fake geriatric ball buster.

Mr. Six, as they call him, dances like a scary epileptic patient to shitty Euro-trash pop music. If that wasn’t enough, they gave the asshole his own bus to, apparently, roam around the country and pick up children. I wonder if this guy hangs out with the King. Jesus, now I feel unclean.

It’s no wonder why these dill holes have gone bankrupt. Hey! Assholes! Your mascot is freaking everybody the fuck out! What the hell is wrong with you? You would have a better chance of dragging people to your playground of death if you advertised all the random animal attacks and appendage severing incidents.

I just don’t have the words.

Sincerely,
Roode